Page 18
There were two people in the world who got to her, Charlotte and Geeta.
Without even trying, they’d ambushed Nicola in a pincer movement, and she’d tripped spectacularly.
It was rare, but she’d tripped before.
Fifteen years ago, she travelled to Oxford to visit Charlotte. They were late, of course, because Daniel never took a bloody schedule seriously. He slept in the back of the car after pulling an all-nighter to write an article for The Telegraph , and Nicola drove.
She picked up Charlotte to shop for clothes and books before they were due to meet her friend for lunch, while Daniel insisted he’d take care of food for the picnic. Nicola bit her tongue, knowing he’d use the occasion to buy alcohol.
“I’ve been seeing someone,” Charlotte said.
Nicola flicked through a rail of smart coats in Hobbes on Oxford High Street. Charlotte claimed she didn’t want one, but Nicola knew she’d already be meeting influential future colleagues and needed to look the part.
“Oh, really?” Nicola replied, nonchalant and sweeping hangers aside. “What’s his name?”
“Mum.” Her daughter's voice was tiny. “Please don't make me say it again.”
Yes, she knew Charlotte had come out.
“Her name’s Becca, and she’s my first girlfriend.”
Nicola almost paused but swished another coat aside. She hoped they weren’t meeting this girlfriend today. No, Charlotte said they were meeting someone called Olivia.
She ground her teeth and scraped the hangers along the rail, while Charlotte wittered on and on about Becca.
Didn’t her daughter appreciate how little time Nicola had? How hard she’d worked to clear her schedule to come to Oxford today. And now Charlotte babbled about some woman instead of choosing a coat and taking her appearance seriously. Enough of this.
“For god's sake, Charlotte. When are you going to make that leap?”
Her daughter flinched on the other side of the rail, the two of them tall above it.
“Look,” Nicola relented. “I appreciate women are more attractive most of the time.”
The light in Charlotte’s eyes.
“They understand you. They’re generally more hygienic as teens. Smell nicer. They know what you’re going through. But you must grow out of this and make the leap to the real thing.”
The light in Charlotte’s eyes went out, and her face collapsed with despair.
But hadn’t Nicola been patient enough with this already. Yes, some boys took a few years to be civilised with girls. But honestly, there were plenty at Oxford and she didn’t have to crave girls anymore.
Nicola didn’t want people looking at Charlotte with the venom Stacy threw those girls at school. Caught in the changing room and whispered about for months. Years. Not her daughter. It killed her to think Charlotte would be treated that way. And a mix of shame and fear for her daughter curdled inside. She’d done everything possible to keep Charlotte from getting too close to girls.
“But if you understand...?” Charlotte said, before breathing out frustration.
“I can see why you might be tempted . But you can't be.”
People were tempted by all kinds of things, it didn't mean they should do them. Fantasies weren't always a safe scenario for reality. Why didn’t Charlotte understand that? But, no, she only had eyes for women. Why the hell couldn’t she turn away?
They left the shop, out of time, because of Charlotte's prevarication and distraction about girls, and they walked down High Street towards St Hilda’s, Nicola prickling the whole way.
You kissed boys, not other girls. It looked silly. Like pretending. Practicing at best. Definitely not the real thing.
“You have to move on,” she’d told Charlotte, over and over.
She spent years telling Charlotte that of course women were nice, but you couldn’t have babies and partner them and expect the world to approve. You had to make that switch. Plenty of girls horrified by boys as teens had wonderful marriages.
Daniel waited for them outside the porter’s lodge. Charlotte almost ran to him and his big easy smile, and lack of reprimand about this, because Daniel never faced up to anything difficult.
“Hey,” he said, giving Charlotte that smile and hugging her.
For the love of god.
“Daniel!” Nicola snapped. “Have you bought the sandwiches?”
The cool-bag swinging from his hand bulged with bottles and didn’t have room for anything else.
“I forgot!” He laughed. “I took a call then rushed back after getting these. Come and choose something with me baby girl.”
And Charlotte fled to him, just like she always did. Jesus Christ.
“Fine,” Nicola said. “I'll go ahead and make our apologies for being late.” Always tidying up after him.
Then moments later, Nicola met someone who affected her from head to toe. Who pulled at every atom in her body like a force of nature.
She saw her in the porter's lodge talking to a student. Nicola assumed she was a lecturer, perhaps chatting with a post-graduate, from the subject matter of the conversation and the ease and good humour of the way they talked.
Long, wavy, black hair, with the tiniest hints of chestnut catching the sunlight. Glowing golden-brown skin, complemented by the deep green silk of her embroidered salwar kameez. The most beautiful, generous smile and intelligent eyes.
Just seconds. That’s all it took to make an indelible mark on Nicola. The way the woman moved, comfortable with herself and others. Her expression open and engaging. The way she spoke, informed and interested. The mellow mid tones of her voice. Nicola adored it all.
She knew enough about that woman in a single minute to be infatuated, like the tone and outline was set, and more detail and flourishes would only make the picture more beautiful. That first impression touched Nicola with an enduring impact.
Nicola blinked, not realising she’d stopped in her tracks to gaze at the woman. She made herself move on towards the college-side door. The small lodge busy, she turned sideways to squeeze past the woman without making contact, but as she passed, the woman stepped back into her.
The soft warmth of the woman pressed to her chest was instantly intimate. Nicola held her arms to stop her from stumbling and it was the loveliest sensation she’d ever experienced. She felt compelled to hold her gently in place, and Nicola closed her eyes with the woman’s smooth hair against her cheek and subtle fragrance filling her head. It was all there.
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the woman said, unable to turn around in the confines of the lodge.
Nicola couldn't speak. She gently squeezed her arms, to say it was fine, and the sumptuous warmth in her hands tugged deep inside. Her face burned. Her heart thumped so hard her chest ached.
Finally, she did understand. How a woman could be the only person in a room. How you couldn’t turn away. And with leaden regret, she walked on.
She took a moment outside. So unlike her. Heart cantering and mind racing, she was forced to take a detour to calm herself, and minutes later, still not composed, she threw back her head anyway and strode towards the lawns.
But here she faltered again. Because the same woman hosted a magnificent spread of food, smiling with Daniel and Charlotte, and looking like the most beautiful person she’d ever seen.
The woman was Geeta Sachdeva, and before Geeta even knew she existed, Nicola experienced a powerful attraction to her that toppled her faith in herself.
Throughout the picnic, Geeta unwittingly compounded her shame by being the accepting, wonderful mother she'd never been, right in front of her. Such a double whammy. Nicola's heart responding to Geeta, then having to sit there, with everyone’s disapproval as an outsider, while Geeta held up a mirror to Nicola’s faults and so much more.
This had been the nub of her antagonism with Geeta for fifteen years, with Geeta’s enduring support for Charlotte the perpetual twist of the knife.
Geeta prodded sore points without even realising. Those parts of Nicola that said she’d been a bad mother. That said she’d been bigoted and unsupportive. And that she’d been wrong about her daughter’s sexuality. But most of all, she’d been wrong about her own.
Yes, there were precisely two people who got under her skin, her youngest daughter and Geeta Sachdeva, for very different reasons. And, of course, they would have to be friends.
Table of Contents
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- Page 18 (Reading here)
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