Page 32

Early morning in chambers, before most were even awake, Nicola sat with elbow rested on the desk. She stared out of the window, brooding and thinking. Unlike her. Most unlike her.

Being found out had thrown Geeta, and more than Nicola expected. Calm and measured in so many ways, Geeta turned skittish at people knowing about them. And it hurt.

Still Nicola brooded, because she hadn’t worked out why it cut so deep. Of the two of them, she assumed she’d have more issues, and wondered if an element of shame would needle itself in. Funny now, how absent that was, because what was wrong with being with a woman. Shame seemed absurd, especially with someone as incredible as Geeta.

And yes, Nicola appreciated the complexities. They had many people in their lives with fixed views of them both and their roles. But surely she had the bigger task if anyone found out.

Nicola breathed in.

What did she expect, though? This was a fling for Geeta. Some experimentation, away from life’s worries of being a mum, daughter, colleague, an ex-wife.

She could see Geeta coming back to life. That was a woman a long way from crying on a church bench. A fire burned within Geeta when they bickered, laying down a challenge whenever they disagreed, blazing in Geeta's brown eyes, consuming her body, filling her with vitality. And Nicola smiled, her own body invigorated and heart beating harder just thinking about it.

Everything about Geeta gave her pleasure. Their shared conversations, the effervescent fun, the easy way they slipped into being together, as if made to do this dance.

And the sensual exploration of each other... She closed her eyes, seduced by memories and sensations of being entwined. She hungered insatiable for Geeta – the taste of her, their intense curiosity – more thrilling than anything she’d known.

But just because Geeta had fun when they were together, didn’t mean she wanted to be that person the rest of the time.

Oof, that hurt though. It landed hard, and the realisation sank heavier, as Nicola remained in chambers, unmoving, and the early sky coloured into blues.

A soft knock disturbed the door and Philip poked around his head.

“This is early, even for you.”

She twitched from her leaden stupor. “Come in,” she murmured.

His eyebrows shot up, perhaps surprised by her dejected tone, but didn’t comment as he sat down in front of her desk. He crossed his legs and rested entwined hands on a thigh.

She looked him in his patient, clever eyes.

“Philip.” This was one of the tricky ones. A person she owed. “There’s something you should know.”

He nodded. He already knew something was up.

“I’ve been seeing someone.”

A smile flickered, and he uncrossed his legs, then crossed them the other way.

“Is it someone...” he tilted his head, “with beautiful brown eyes and wavy black hair, who looks at you as if she could kiss you one moment, and kill you the next, with good reason, I imagine.”

She opened her mouth to deny it and preserve Geeta’s privacy, but he saw through her too clearly to evade this.

“Yes, but please don’t relay that to anyone else. She's...”

Nicola paused, lost for words, and that didn’t happen often. She breathed in again, attempting to shrug off this despondency.

“Geeta’s not long divorced,” she said. “And there are complications.”

There. She’d communicated the basics. Now to face the music, from her gay friend who she hadn’t always supported as she should. She tilted up her chin, ready to take the verbal punch.

A sad smile softened his features, and he only looked at her with kindness.

“Is it serious?” he asked, lightly.

Well, that was the question, and the answer only thickened her dejection.

“She’s on the rebound.”

Ouch, that was hard to say. Considering she’d known that fact all along, its edges cut sharp when said out loud. She was struggling here. Did Philip see it?

“It's just a fling for her,” Nicola carried on, the words catching in her dry throat. “So please don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to complicate things for her if it became public.”

She lifted her head, brazen and confident, but it weighed like lead.

“It’s possible someone might discover our involvement. So, I wanted to warn you before throwing your support behind me for head of chambers.”

He frowned. “Nicki, that’s–”

“Given your reservation about running yourself, I thought you should know. And maybe,” she sat back resigned, “now’s a good time for you to enter the ring, given the, well, queerness of the competition.”

She tried to smile, but the weekend had been sobering.

“Nicki,” he started again. His tone empathised and despaired at the same time. “Go public if you want. Or don’t. You have my support either way. I appreciate the complexities of coming out. But,” he leant forwards and squeezed her hand, “this is huge for you.”

She clamped her mouth shut.

Yes, it was.

It filled her chest with swirling feelings, large, unfamiliar ones. Because Geeta had got to her in yet another way. Because she’d been getting to her, in one way or another, for fifteen years.

If she closed her eyes, she saw Geeta immediately, as if someone projected a film on her eyelids. In sunlight by the lake, the water trailing over her beautiful brown curves. Closing her eyes and soaking up the rays. Laughing in bed, one of Nicola's most favourite ever things. She’d never enjoyed that afterglow and companionship so much as she did with Geeta. She could see Geeta every day like that and never want for anything. Just considering it made her swell high.

But that didn’t mean Geeta wanted the same or that it was what Geeta needed. She had to accept that, because she’d tacitly agreed to it all along. And elation waned cold.

Maybe it was maturity. Perhaps she deeply respected Geeta. Is that what it was? Adoring someone, but also fighting with yourself, because you wanted what was right for them. That what might be simple for you, wouldn’t work for them, and you didn’t want to take the easy road this time.

Not like parental affection. Not like the youthful highs with Daniel, and the disappointing lows of marriage. This deeply moving way Geeta affected her, because she had more respect for her than anyone else, while passionately admiring her and longing for her with every atom in her body.

She breathed in and lifted her chin. “Are you going to make fun of me?”

Sadness mingled in Philip’s smile. “No.” He shook his head. “Not when you’re finally falling in love, Nicki.”

Her breath caught as he looked at her with experienced eyes.

“I didn't know it could be like this,” she whispered.

“The irresistible attraction? The insanely good sex? The deepest bonding?”

“All of it.”

He gazed at her with an expression that said, now you understand.

“I didn’t believe it could be as strong. I didn’t imagine it comparable.” She shook her head. “Stupid.”

“And?”

“Stronger,” she gasped.

More potent than anything she’d known, and it might end too soon. Cruel. Like she finally discovered what she’d craved eternally, to have it whipped away. And the loss loomed huge.

What the hell was she meant to do with this? Which way to pivot now?

“Then this,” he murmured, “is bigger for you than I thought.”

“Why?”

“I’ve known you a long time and I’ve rarely seen you troubled deep down. You’ve certainly never admitted it like this.”

She couldn't say a word.

“If you can’t get something you want, Nicki, you sidestep. You brush it aside.” He waved his hand to sweep concerns away. “You fix what failed and move on. A new challenge. A new conquest. Never, ever defeated. Losses are a temporary inconvenience.”

He paused, but his eyes focused with unrelenting attention.

“Even with your disappointing marriage, you turned it into a tenable arrangement that was professionally useful to you and provided a home for your girls.”

Then he gazed at her, as if he saw everything.

“I’ve only ever seen you stumble with two things: your youngest daughter and now this woman.”

Yes, he saw everything.

“Do they know how much they mean to you?”

That feeling swirling inside? Terror.

“No,” she whispered. “No, they don’t.”

His eyebrows raised in the middle, and his tone softened. “Why? Out of fear?” He laughed quietly at the absurd notion. “You?”

Then his brow furrowed hard. “Or do you need to show them greater respect and tell them everything? Make it all open and equal. Accept them and everything they could throw at you. Which is potentially a great deal from Charlotte, and from this woman if you love her as deeply as I suspect.” He paused and gazed at her, unblinking. “Because, I agree, that is terrifying.”