Page 18 of Dignity

“It’s…you did nothing wrong.” Something else I’ve said to her countless times.

We sit there like that for I don’t know how many minutes, Lauren not rushing me.

Eventually, I manage a little bit of the truth. “He was the first and only guy I was ever with,”I whisper, feeling ashamed of myself that, even with her, I can’t openly acknowledgeHim. “I love him so much.”

Against my scalp, her warm breath anchors me to the here and now, and her next words give voice to it. “You’ve always loved him.” There’s no anger or blame in her tone, just gentle acknowledgement.

Somehow, that’s worse.

“Yeah.”

“You walked away from him, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“Because of your dad?”

I sob. “Yeah.”

“College?”

I nod against her. “I walked away at the end of that week and never so much as called him again, even though he made me promise to. It was just one Spring Break, but I never got him out of my heart. How stupid am I?”

“You never saw him again?”

“No. Didn’t even to find him on Facebook. He probably hates me. I know I’d hate me. If he even rememberswho I am. He’s probably married to a great guy by now.”

Her hug grows tighter, cradling me against her acceptance. “You should go to Florida for a while,” she says. “Take some time for yourself.”

“I know. I booked a flight for tomorrow afternoon. That was the earliest one I could get.”

“Do you want me to do damage control for you here?”

“No. I don’t want you getting hit with blow-back.”

“I’m a big girl, sweetie. I can take care of myself.”

“You’ve done enough for me throughout the years, Laur. I can’t drag you into the mud with me.”

Another moment of companionable silence passes between us as I let her hold me, needing this brief respite.

“For what it’s worth, Kev, I agree with you completely. With everything you said.”

“I know. You and I are sort of the secret unicorns there.”

“Change from within.” She gently rocks me, and I draw in another shuddering breath, that she can still be so tender and graceful with me, even knowing what she now knows.

“This is…this isbad,” I say, finally giving voice to that.

“I won’t lie to you, hon, but yeah, it is. You dared to expose to the sheeple how the sausage is made. The network and higher-ups won’t let you off the hook for that.Henry can’t protect you against them, no matter how much he likes you.”

“Henry’s the one who fired me.” I finally sit up and reach for the roll of paper towels. I rip another sheet off and blow my nose again. “Forty-two years old, and I tank a twenty-year career.”

Her hazel gaze feels intense, piercing. “What triggered you? Shelly in the control room let me have the flash drive with your monologue.You went way off-script.”

I shrug. “I don’t know. I’m afraid to look at the tape. It was like I just… I don’t know.”

“You could always claim migraine-induced breakdown, take a mental health vacation, and then come back and host a late-night show or something.”