Page 16 of Dignity

Somewhere, in the middle of unleashing my rage, my migraine popped.

* * * *

They say the eye of the hurricane is where everything goes eerily quiet and still.

Iwishthat were true.

What they tend to leave out of that saying is thatonce the storm returns, the winds slam into you from the other direction, usually harder than before. And it whips you around and does even more damage.

That’s kind of what this feels like.

After Henry drops the axe, Lou and two very polite security guards escort me up to my office so I can grab my personal phone, laptop, wallet, keys, coat, and a couple of other items. I hand in my ID, my officekey, and my work phone. Then they escort me downstairs, where Lou gets into the back of Henry’s SUV with me, and Henry’s driver ferries us to my townhouse.

I don’t talk during the drive, too relieved to be able to actually think without the ice pick grinding inside my skull or my stomach threatening to upend. I watch DC pass by outside the SUV’s windows and marvel at the Christmas lights peopleare already starting to put up. When we arrive, I assure Lou that I’m not going to do something stupid like kill myself, and that I’d prefer he let Henry’s driver take him back to the studio.

Watching them drive away from my front steps, I suck in a long breath of cold, sharp night air, blow it out again so I can see my breath frost, and wistfully smile before I turn and unlock my front doora little after nine o’clock.

Wow. Ireallylost track of time. I thought it was after midnight. I wonder how long I actually ranted before they cut to commercial or tape.

At some point, I’ll probably watch the video. I won’t be able to escape it.

For now, I need…

To sit and ponder my poor life choices.

I know I’ll draw fire because of my rant, from irate conservative viewers as well as fromthe left, who will take their opportunity to gleefully pick off what they’ll now perceive to be the weakest member of the GOP herd.

Fish in a barrel.

Hunting in a baited field.

Pick your euphemism.

Do I deserve it?

Probably.

Do I care?

Not really.

Not beyond wondering what thehellhave I done to my career and my ability to make a living for myself, all because I’ve finally given voiceto the myriad thoughts and hurts that have been bouncing around in my brain for years.

I mean, screw it, I can always go indie, if I have to, right? Create a podcast, a Facebook channel, and do my own thing. Technically not a violation of my non-compete clause, either. Fortunately, that only stipulates working for a competing network in a comparable position of visibility within markets overa certain size. It could’ve been a lot worse.

I already have my own blog and newsletter. Hell, I could write a book.

I think about it because it is very…tempting. Take shots at both sides and no longer have to worry about giving cover to damn conservatives who live one thing while preaching another. Being able to agree with socially liberal views without having to deal with muttered accusationsofcuckfrom assholes in the halls and the break room at work.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, the liberals do the same damn thing, to a certain extent. They’re simply smarter about how they pick their battles and how they hide their hypocrisy.

No, really, they are. Of course they’re just as liable to fly off the handle over stupid shit as the GOP is, but generally with a decent reason that doesn’thave jack shit to do with the damn Bible.

What’s the first thing you think of when you hear something like a lawmaker was arrested in a child sex sting, or caught hiring a gay prostitute, or something like that? Usually that they’re a member of the GOP, and probably vocally “family values,” or anti-LGBTQ, or other bullshit like that.

And you’re usually right.

Of course there are Democrat lawmakerswho get arrested for stuff, but it’s frequently simple, petty greed that does them in. Although greed catches its fair share of GOP lawmakers, as well.

While my migraine has popped, my appetite hasn’t returned despite my empty stomach. So I go upstairs, take a shower, and then return to the living room to watch cartoons.

Because, honestly? I’m not going to be able to sleep for a while.