Page 26 of Degradation

He leaves me alone to sleep.

He leaves me alone for days.

I stay in this room, unsure what to do. Food is brought to me, but I barely do more than pick at it. It’s nothing like the meals my mother provided. I’m used to steamed vegetables, brown rice, simple, easy to digest. All these are thick sauces and rich spices that make my stomach churn, but I don’t dare ask for anything else. What if he serves me stale bread? What if he decides to starve me instead?

The meat upsets my stomach, so I make a point of not eating that but with little else in the way of protein, I have a raging headache, and I feel so low in energy.

I have clothes hanging in my dressing room. I have makeup and perfumes and so many things all here but none of it is mine. It’s all new. I have nothing from my old life, not even a keepsake, not even a photograph.

I don’t see my mother again. I don’t see anyone. I’m all but locked in this room with nothing to amuse myself with. I have no books, no tv, absolutely nothing but my own thoughts and as the days pass, they start to spiral more and more.

When my husband finally returns, I’m almost grateful to see him.

I spring up from the bed, crossing the room before I collect myself.

He tilts his head, taking in the silk pyjamas I’ve been lounging in. “Did you not think to make yourself pretty for me?” He asks.

I gulp, glancing down. “I’m, I’m sorry.” I say quickly. “I didn’t know you were coming, you’ve been gone for days now, but if I had…”

He snarls cutting across me. “You think you should be appraised of all my comings and goings, is that it? You think you have a say in where I go and what I do?”

“No.” I gasp, dropping my head further. Christ, I’m fucking this up.

“You should always be ready for me. Always ready for your husband.”

I nod quickly. “I will. From now on, I will always…”

His hand strikes my face and I fall, landing on the floor with a cry.

“Why the fuck are you still stood here then?” He says, towering over me now. “I didn’t come here for a conversation.You think I want to get your opinion on anything? You think I want to hear your damned voice? Get on the bed, spread your legs like a good little wife and let me sink my cock into you already.”

I whimper, crawling across the floor and hastily pull the clothes from my body.

As I get onto the bed, I don’t know how best to lay so I copy the pose he had me in last time. I place my arms above my head and widen my thighs while I try so desperately to stop the shaking.

My cheek stings from where he struck me but if that’s the only pain I have to endure today, then I’ll happily take it.

He undoes his tie, undoes his belt, holding it out like a whip. “Maybe I should give you a beating, maybe then you’d learn.” He growls.

“I’m sorry.” I gasp before I bite my tongue to shut myself up. Speaking has only gotten me in trouble, I need to remember to keep my mouth shut.

“Sorry?” He repeats and then it’s like something softens, something he changes. He tosses the belt, climbs onto the bed and he cradles me as if all that anger has just vanished.

His arms wrap around me, he buries his face into the warmth of my neck and thankfully the bruising has gone down enough for me not to react in anyway that might just piss him off again.

“I want you to be good, wife.” He murmurs while stroking my face. “I need you to be good. I need you to understand your place. To understand what this is.”

I nod back, “I want that too.” I reply. “I don’t want you to be angry with me. I want you to be happy, I want to make you happy.”

He lifts his head, catching my face, “You mean that?”

He’s almost childlike now. I frown trying to figure what the fuck this is. A voice in my head tells me that this is the momentmy mother spoke about, this is how I wrap him around my finger, how I ensure that I control him and not the other way around.

“I mean it.” I say.

His lips curl, he grabs my face, plunging his tongue into my mouth and I almost choke as he starts swirling it around. I’ve never kissed anyone. Beyond the almost chaste kiss he gave me in the Cathedral, I’ve never even put my lips onto another person.

His tongue engulfs mine. I don’t know if this is how it’s meant to be but it feels sloppy, messy. His salvia comes down onto my chin and I can feel it sitting there.