Page 140 of Degradation

I pick up a pebble, tossing it in what feels more like anger than frustration.

I never imagined I would be free, I never imagined I’d ever get out of Oblivion. I thought that place would be my tomb, and I’d made my peace with that. I’d embraced that.

What the fuck do I do now? Where can I go from here? Is Magnus hunting me, does he plan to return me to my nice little prison cell, or will he simply eliminate me from the board?

I want to ask Devin, I have so many questions, and yet, we’ve never had a normal conversation, one where he treats me like an equal, where he tells me what I actually want to hear.

Will be just mock my fears?

Will he pat me on the head and tell me to leave it alone before he fucks me again?

I shudder, feeling that old familiar pain between my thighs. I didn’t want to fuck him. I didn’t want to do anything with him, and yet, just like always, I don’t have a choice.

He called me his wife-to-be. Like fuck I believe that. I know it’s another form of manipulation. That he must be playing me. And yet, there’s a tiny voice telling me he isn’t, that this is his plan, to marry me, to use my status as a Heseltine and a Founder and… what? What can he get from me?

It feels like an entire freight train slams into me as I realise that. I’m not a prize anymore. I’m not something to covet, to desire. I’m the lowest of the low. It should give me some relief after everything, but it’s hard to deny my feelings of shame, of disgust.

I am nothing now. I am ruined in every conceivable way. And yet, Devin claims to want me? It just doesn’t make sense.

I don’t realise I’m walking, pacing, until something sharp bites into the sole of my foot. I’m not wearing shoes. The skin on my feet has become pretty tough after years of being barefoot, but as I wince, I can feel there’s a tiny thorn sticking out.

“Fucksake.” I mutter, crouching down to assess the damage.

It’s not so bad. I sit down in the dirt and use my nails to try to pry it out.

Just as I toss the offending bit, a crunch of something alerts me to the fact that I’m no longer alone. No doubt Devin’s come to find his little whore, to see where his blind bitch has stumbled off to.

I screw my face up at that name, that insult, even though it’s my own mind that came up with it.

“God, it’s good to see your face.” My mother murmurs, sounding like she’s breathless with joy.

I swear my stomach drops at the sound. A the literal ghost from my past. “What the fuck?”

I don’t know how far I am from the compound. I know it’s behind me, that I need the heat of the sun on my back because it was in my face when I was walking. But there’s no way I can get there if she tries anything.

I’m half tempted to scream, to scream for the guards, for Devin, but what if they’re all in cahoots? What if that’s what’s really going on here? She’s somehow gotten them on her side, and they’ve held me until she was able to show up and…no, that can’t be right. It doesn’t make sense for them to be torturing me if that was the case.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” She asks.

“Like what?”

“Like you missed me?”

She really thinks that would be the first words out of my mouth? It’s been what, five years, she thinks of all the things I want to say, that would be my opening?

“You fucked me over.” I snap. “Antonio told me everything.”

She huffs. “Antonio is lying.”

“Like fuck he is.” I spit.

She sits herself down so delicately beside me and the way she starts positioning her dress makes it feel like she’s sitting on a soft cushion and not the dry, arid dirt. She tries to take my hand, and I quickly jerk it away.

“Paitlyn,” She says. “Hear me out.”

“Why should I?” I snarl. “You knew, you knew what he was, you knew what would happen, you knew exactly what you were setting me up for.”

“It wasn’t meant to go that way. I was assured Gunther was mad, but he wasn’t violent.”