Page 10 of Degradation

I stay where I’ve fallen, acting my part, acting like I’m just as surprised as everyone else. That I’m ashamed too, embarrassed. A voice in my head whispers with glee that this is it, this is enough. No one would want a bride who’s a clutz, will they?

Only, before my triumph can truly set in, a pudgy hand reaches down, fingers wrap around my body, and I’m scooped up.

I stare back in disbelief at the man holding me and for a second it feels like the entire world stops.

In books, they describe these moments, when you stare into the eyes of another human being, and you know your life has irrevocably changed. That the stars have aligned, that you’ve met your soulmate. But the person staring back at me, he’s not my soulmate.

He’s my destiny, yes, my future, but I can already taste the ashes in my mouth.

I can feel the pain.

The destruction, every horrific moment of what is coming. What this man will do.

My heart slams into my chest, my body trembles, complete and utter fear reverberates through me, and I can’t control it, I can’t stop it.

“Poor thing.” Gunther murmurs. “Do all these people make you nervous? Or is it fear of not being chosen that’s put too much pressure on you?”

I gulp back and my voice refuses to work.

I thought he was a leech last time I encountered him, but now, now I’m certain he’s so much worse than that.

He hooks a finger under my chin, lifting my face higher. “Such a pretty thing.” He mutters. “A pretty, pretty thing.”

I want to scream back that I’m not a thing. That none of us are. That we’re human beings, people, not merely objects for him to enjoy. But my defiance falters as I realise everyone is watching us now.

He sets me on my feet, no longer staring at my face but now down, at my body, at the parts of me that are exposed solely for his pleasure.

And then he nods like he’s made his mind up before he turns and walks away.

I don’t want to look up, I don’t want to see the anger on my uncle’s face, but I don’t know what else to do.

I look stupid, I look like a fool, stood here, right in the centre of the room.

The musicians begin to play, the other girls exchange glances with one another and then they start dancing again as if they can erase these last few moments from everyone’s memory.

I swallow my pride and begin to move once more, trying to shut up the voice in my head. Trying to shut up the steadily growing scream that’s getting louder and louder and louder.

Pailtyn

It’s happening. I know it. I can feel it.

I feel like I’m on a Ferris wheel, a merry-go-round that’s spinning faster and faster and it’s out of control, but I can’t stop it. I can’t.

I barely got any sleep last night and though my makeup is perfect, my hair pristine, I feel like an absolute wreck as I stand here, and I also feel like everyone else can see it.

My hands are trembling so badly I have to curl them into little fists. My uncle stands to my right and my mother to my left. They feel more like prison guards in this moment than family.

Gunther is stood with his back to us, having a conversation with someone while all the Senate behind him. I study their faces in their long fancy red robes, and, though they all seem to hold neutral expressions, something about their body language tells me they’re not happy about any of this.

My stomach twists more as that realisation sinks in. Antonio’s words ring out in my head. His warnings. This is a mistake. This is treason. I can feel it in my very bones and yet, there is nothing I can do about it.

I glance around the hall, noting the smiles of all the other girls, the way their families all stand in similar poses. Jesus, no one here wants this, do they? We’re all pawns, every single one of us. We’re all marionettes caught up in the whims of this man who can do what he likes, can be who he likes… except, he can’t. Not really. He may have power but it’s not unlimited. He may be Chapter Lord, but he still answers to our Grand Master. And if he oversteps, if he grows too bold, there will be consequences. I know this. Everyone knows this. Besides, it wasn’t that long ago that we had a living example of that – every Brethren knows the story, even though it was meant to be a secret. The Chapter Lord of the United States fumbled things so much an entire city went up in flames. His incompetence almost revealed what we are, who we are, to the entire world.

What if that happens here? What if all of this comes back and bites us all on the arse?

I tremble more, feeling sick from the amount of adrenaline swirling inside me.

“Paitlyn?” My mother whispers, clearly sensing how close to crumbling I am.