Page 73 of Cream & Sugar

“Well, you would know,” I joke, though I’m secretly pleased. Kids are famously harsh critics.

With one little hand, Ethan slides the keyboard across the table towards me. “You play now.”

“Aw, you don’t want to hear me play. Why don’t I teach you something else—”

“No,” says Ethan, defiantly. “I wanna hear.”

The kid has made up his mind, and who am I to turn down a chance to perform?

“Alright. Just for you, Ethan. Since you’re a VIP and all.”

Ethan claps his hands together with glee as I scoot my chair around so my back is facing the rest of the café—it’s not fair to subject the customers to an unsolicited concert, and Anna definitely wouldn’t approve.

I fiddle with the keyboard’s settings until I find a sound I like. Then, I play the opening chords to Going Numb, in the original key, and quietly sing:

Said goodbye a thousand times,

To your memory inside,

So why does it feel,

Like I’m living a lie?

I try to run, I try tohide,

Now I know the reason why,

I’ll never get away,

But I can’t bear to stay.

I’m surprised by how nice the song sounds stripped back like this. Normally I’d accompany myself with some complex fingerpicking on the guitar, but I guess sometimes less is more. As I play the lead-in to the chorus, I forgo my usual mixed-belt for a clean falsetto.

Kept running away like it would do any good,

Wishing you’d come back, oh I hoped that you would,

Didn’t want to be everything I knew I’d become,

Living without you, I’m going numb.

Pain tugs at my voice like it always does when I sing about Mum. I’ve learned to control it over the years, to channel it into the performance, but it doesn’t stop it hurting. Ethan’s eyes sparkle as he listens.

The times when you would drift away,

It felt like you were meant to stay,

I couldn’t make you better,

Though I tried every day.

You left before your time,

Said you’ll always be mine,

So I’ll sing this song for you,

If it means keeping you alive.