Page 47 of Count the Cost (The Secrets of Elizabeth Bennet #2)

E lizabeth dropped into the nearest chair with a sigh, thinking of Mr. Darcy’s enigmatic gaze as he followed Papa. What was he thinking of? If she had been here, Mama might have read far too much into it; but … no.

She sighed. Mr. Collins was here, his presence causing a brooding dread within her, and the knowledge that Mama was setting up what would be a most unpleasant scene. The worst of it was that Elizabeth could think of no way of avoiding the situation.

Mama would ensure that Mr. Collins would be encouraged to make her an offer.

His own conceit would make him believe he was irresistible.

Her own refusal was equally as certain.

The ensuing unpleasantness was just as inevitable.

She sighed, rubbing her forehead in a vain attempt to cure her looming headache.

It would have to be borne, she knew. It was time to consider leaving Longbourn.

She had grown beyond it. But she had enjoyed this evening.

It was some time since they’d had a theatre evening, and she had enjoyed herself, particularly as the whole occasion vexed Mr. Collins exceedingly.

Perhaps she ought to extol the event to him as being able to showcase her talents and make him think her unsuitable to become Mrs. Collins and disgrace him in front of Lady Catherine.

She smiled with sly amusement to herself. Yes, she would do that. Perhaps it would work.

She laughed with her youngest sisters at what had happened during the performance, especially Lydia unexpectedly being covered by the backdrop.

Then she excused herself, and made her way upstairs, wondering what Mr. Darcy had been thinking.

He had laughed, but he was plainly uncomfortable.

Perhaps high society would disapprove; would judge harshly the lack of dignity shown by the family.

She straightened up. What did that matter? None of them were going to be in high society in the near future. Elizabeth herself had had a taste of it, and that was more than enough. Jane had been dignified; and Mr. Bingley did not move within the highest circles unless he was with Mr. Darcy.

Although: perhaps it would be better for the family to maintain decorum when there were outsiders present. We could save our laughing, teasing and noisy affection for each other for when we are family alone, perhaps, and keep a little more dignity in front of others.

She sighed again, shook her head and continued upstairs.

An hour before dinner, there was a soft tap on the door, and Elizabeth opened it to smile at her elder sister. “Come in, Jane. I thought you might have something to say.”

“What do you think I am going to say?” Jane settled herself on the bed and watched her sister tidying her hair.

“Why, that we ought to have outgrown such mortifying behaviour now that we are all nearly full grown — especially in front of guests!”

“I suppose the appearance of Mr. Darcy was rather unfortunate,” Jane conceded. “Were you very embarrassed?”

“Not at all!” Elizabeth was rather too vehement, she thought. “He already knew about our little theatricals. I told him one day when we were attempting conversation that wasn’t led by Miss Bingley. Shakespeare was the topic that did it.” She laughed, and Jane smiled hesitantly.

“I think on this occasion you rather wanted to put Mr. Collins off the pursuit.”

Elizabeth nodded reluctantly. “I did have hopes.” She made a face at her reflection.

“But I could see he rather thought I was a challenge, that he could cow me enough to do his bidding — and that would please his beloved patroness!” She jumped to her feet and swept Jane a low curtsy. “Just like that.”

Jane laughed. “You must not accept him, Lizzy. You cannot.”

“I have no intention of it, Jane.” Elizabeth shook her head. “But it will make things very difficult with Mama.”

“I know. I wish we could stop it.” Jane raised her head.

“Lizzy, I know you spend quite a lot of time at Gracechurch Street, and I can assure you that you will always be welcome to stay with me and Charles after we are married. Just as long as you like. I do not like to think of you here without me.” She looked very anxious.

Elizabeth crossed the room sat beside Jane and took her hand. “Thank you. I very much appreciate your offer, and I may take you at your word, although I think Miss Bingley might be all the houseguest you want!”

She sighed. “No, I have always wanted my own home, somewhere I can have all my things around me, where I will be free of Lydia searching through my private possessions, or be able to leave a book open on the table and find it still there the next morning.” She gave a sigh.

“But I think marriage for me might be even worse.”

“But Lizzy, that is not possible, not with our lack of fortune.”

“I know.” Elizabeth sighed. She trusted Jane, but she did not want her to have to keep secrets from the family, and she wasn’t ready to have more discussions about money, not yet. “Well, time for dinner. Let us go down.”

Dinner was as painful as ever. Mr. Collins fawned over her and flattered her all while doing so in such an insulting way that Elizabeth was hard put to it to keep her gaze on her plate and bite her tongue to avoid answering back.

She could hear Papa’s chuckles, but knew he would not defend her. Irrelevantly, she thought of Mr. Darcy’s set-down to Mr. Collins that afternoon.

“Lady Catherine has no authority on matters so far outside her purview, sir.”

She smiled to herself. He must have been as discomposed as most people would have been by the impropriety of their behaviour, but that had not prevented him from giving a set-down to Mr. Collins . She was grateful for it, too.

It was after dinner when Mama made her move, just as Elizabeth had known she would. “Lizzy, I would see you in my sitting room.”

Elizabeth followed her upstairs, her heart heavy. She might be embarrassed by her mother’s behaviour, but she still loved her and was sorry she could not make her happy with the answers she would have to give.

She sat on the chair as her mother began her nightly routine. “Now, Lizzy, I need you to think carefully about why Mr. Collins is here.”

“Yes, Mama.”

“Don’t take that tone with me, my girl. You know he is here to marry one of you.

And you know that it has to be you. When you wed him, you will have your own establishment, until you become mistress of Longbourn and save us all from being thrown into the hedgerows.

What could be more satisfying than that, you tell me? ”

“Not being beholden to a stupid man, Mama. Anything would be better than that!”

“Do not be silly, child! You can see he is not a vicious man. He will not be unkind to you. And, as you say, he is silly. You are a clever girl, you will easily be able to manage him and have your own way, all while letting him think he is managing you.”

How exhausting that would be. Far better not to have a man around at all. Elizabeth frowned.

“Lizzy! You will be secure and settled. I must see all my daughters married. You are clever enough to see why. Longbourn will not always be available to you. Your aunt and uncle have a growing family. You cannot expect to live off their charity. Your uncle will have to help the rest of us.” She swung round on her chair, half her hair tumbled down over her shoulders, the pins already in her pin box.

Elizabeth cast her gaze on the floor. “I know what you are saying, Mama. I would just ask to be able to have the choice.”

“Choice! Choice is something not given to ladies, Lizzy!” Mama’s voice rose in displeasure. “When I was a chit of your age, girls did what they were told — and married who they were told to. You can’t expect to have everything you want in life just handed to you!”

“No, Mama.” I have worked and worked to gain my unfettered independence, and I will never give it up, even though you will never understand.

Elizabeth stood up. She could never tell her mama her thoughts. To Mama, money meant a better fortune to tempt a better class of man, not be independent of being subject to any man. “Good night, Mama. I admit I am fatigued.”

In her room, she dropped onto the bed and closed her eyes.

She had outgrown living at home, she knew that now. She would happily continue to spend time as a guest at the Gardiners, but it must not become her home.

The only other option was to make her own home by acquiring a house — in the country would be better than in town. Closer to town than Longbourn to make the journey easier.

House or estate? An estate would earn an income. Would it be worth it for the increased cost? It would be a lot of work, and she wanted to work at her business.

A young single woman would have no respectability, living alone. Something would have to be done about that. But this was what she wanted. If she did not want to be subject to a husband, then she wanted independence on her own terms.

She got up and tiredly readied herself for bed. As she extinguished the candle and slid beneath the covers, she pushed her racing thoughts away.

I will not be driven by fear to any rushed decision. I must talk to my aunt and uncle.

She was asleep almost before the thought of Mr. Darcy giving Mr. Collins a set-down crossed her mind. Was he protecting her?