Page 92 of Choosing Hope

“I think I agree with him. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing you two together, and our nights as a threesome were life changing. But I respect his point of view. I’m not sure the throuple thing is right for us anymore.”

I release the breath I’m holding with a long sigh.

“What about Lily?” I sigh.

Her face contorts completely this time. “What do you mean?”

“What if she knew her father liked dicking around with her uncle?”

She squeezed my fingers. “Is that what’s worrying you?”

My chin drops of its own accord, too emotional to describe the shame I feel for my desires.

Sophie shuffles nearer, sitting so close that her thigh rests against mine. It feels nice, reassuring.

“Darling, Lily loves you. All she wants is to see her daddy happy. At three years old, there’s no reason she needs to understand the specifics of your relationship with Carlo.”

The worry lines between her eyes force me to close my lids. But the effort of trying to block her concern out only makes the noises louder.

“If Lily grows up knowing this as normal, then it will be normal to her. And that’s not a bad thing. Children grow up in same-sex or non-traditional families worldwide. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

I lift my chin slowly, eyes meeting hers. Her love is steady, unwavering, pouring out of her like she’s trying to carry this with me.

“But this isn’t about shame,” I murmur. “It’s not that simple. Carlo isn’t just the man I love. He’s—he’s everything I’m trying not to want.”

She strokes her hand over my forearm that’s lying in my lap in a soothing manner.

“Why am I like this?”

“Spencer, your relationship with Carlo is complex. I’ve always known that. It’s not just about sex for you. There’s almost a spiritual connection between you. It’s beautiful.”

I close my eyes, allowing some of my stress to seep out of me.

“You need to let this negativity go and just relax.”

She smiles sympathetically.

Christ, what did I do to find this woman?

“I know you’re right.” I trace my finger over the back of her hand. “But I’ve always tried to convince myself I was doing it for him. His folks abandoned him, and he needed affection. Later, Chess’ death provided another reason but that wasn’t true. I need him, Sophie. I’m so sorry that I do, and it has no bearing on you at all, but—”

Her longer than usual blink distracts me, but when she opens her eyes to look at me. Her expression shows her relief.

“When I met you, the first few weeks we dated were some of the best of my life. I fell in love with you. My feelings for you were so strong; the last thing I wanted was to lose you. But after that first time Carlo joined us, you lit up. Seeing you like that became addictive.”

She stands, sliding onto my lap. I wrap my arms around her.

How is it possible for her to interpret my need for her so acutely at the perfect moment?

“Do you regret the three of us being together?” she asks.

I bury my nose in her hair, inhaling a deep breath, and smelling her delicious floral scent. The scent of home.

“I’m confused about how I feel about it. After Carlo’s speech last night, which I suspect you heard.”

She nods.

“I felt terrible for involving you with us. It made sense back then.” I stop. “No, that’s a lie. I just wanted to see the two of you together. I knew he wanted you. The longing was in his eyes every time he looked at you.”