Screen blinks to life, revealing a close-up view of Asher’s nose and right eye. He takes a couple of steps back, and the image sways as he adjusts the camera. It comes to rest again, focused on his face. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.

static

Hades: Asher? You done yet? We were sort of in the middle of things.

Asher: Give me a second. I just need to bring everybody up to speed.

dog yips and growls

Asher: Can you get your dog under control? I’m moving as fast as I can.

Hades: Asshole, come on now. Leave the guy alone. If you’re a good boy, I’ll let you pee on his shoes later.

Asher: The fuck you will.

Hook: I would make sure you don’t leave any out. Just in case. The hound does whatever the fuck he wants.

series of dog barks

Dahlia: *chuckles* Aw, they didn’t mean it, buddy. As far as I’m concerned, you’re always a good boy.

Hades: Don’t get any ideas, pup. I’m her favorite. If she had to choose between us, it’d be me.

Hook: *cough* bullshit *cough* My Wendy bird would never leave me.

Hades: *aggrieved sigh* Not you and I us, him and I us.

dog growls

Asher: Okay, so to bring you guys up to speed, Hades, Lord of the Underworld, just opened a fucking portal in my living room, and then a fucking ghost appeared to share what she learned on the other side.

Asher makes a few more adjustments to the camera before stepping away to reveal a living room filled with people. A blue and silver portal pulses on the right, a female shape visible in its center.

Alek: (afraid) You didn’t tell me there would be ghosts. I don’t do ghosts. I’ve been incredibly clear on this. Is she going to be able to step out of that portal?

Hook: *snickers* Your brother is afraid of ghosts, Tor? What kind of Viking is scared of something that can’t even touch him?

Alek: One whose mother is intimately familiar with the process and filled me in on just how malevolent they can be.

Tor: Gods, you’re still not over this, Alek?

Dahlia: Would it kill you to show him a little bit of empathy?

Tor: Probably.

Dahlia: Should I remind everybody about your run in with our good friend Kat a couple months ago?

Tor: You promised never to speak of her again, beauty.

Dahlia: Then be nicer to your brother.

Hades: Kiki cannot cross the boundary. Think of the portal like a video call.

Alek visibly shudders, but nods.

Alek: As long as she stays on her side, I’ll be fine.

Kiki: Looks like you got the braver of the twins, Dee. Good job.

Alek: He’s afraid of dolls. I win.

Tor: That doll was possessed.

Alek: If you want to get technical, it was possessed by a ghost. So really, you’re just as chickenshit as I am.

Gavin: Can someone send these two outside or something? We called this meeting to gather information and then paused it so that the information could be recorded and shared. If that’s no longer our objective, I have plenty to take care of today and no children of my own I need to parent. I’d like that to remain the case until Roslyn gives birth.

Dahlia: They’ll be on their best behavior, won’t you?

Dahlia gives Tor and Alek meaningful looks. Tor sighs and crosses his arms. Alek looks away, muttering under his breath.

Tor: *sigh* Yes.

Alek: My terms were clear. She stays on her side, and there won’t be a problem.

Kiki: Like I would want to come over there anyway. The underworld is the tits. Plus I’ve got myself plenty to keep me busy. I’m just here to pass on what I already told Hades.

Asher: I, uh, never thought I’d say this, but I agree with Gavin. Can we get back to what you were telling us?

Kiki: With pleasure. Bear is waiting for me, and I’m just as eager to get this over with. *clears throat* It’s the horsemen.

awkward beat of silence

Asher: And?

Kiki: And what?

Hades: What about the horsemen, Keeks?

Kiki: They’re at the center of all this.

Gavin: Of course they are. They’re instrumental in bringing about the apocalypse. Why wouldn’t they be?

Hook: Have you already forgotten our time being experimented on by Lady Death? It wasn’t the horse men behind that. It was the women.

Kai: Right, but I think what he’s saying is that being the other side of that coin, they’re every bit as involved.

Kiki: *frustrated groan* No. God, you guys. They are you.

Hook: Darling, no one is me. There’s but one Captain?—

Hades: So help me if you say your fucking name one more time...

Hook: (tauntingly) Hook.

Hades grabs Hook by the back of his neck and shoves him through the portal, where he crashes into Kiki.

rustle of fabric

Hook: Oof. Watch it!

Kiki: Ow. You’re the one who flew into me.

Alek: *shrieks* You said there would be no crossing!

Alek jumps out of his seat and runs out of frame.

chair falling to the floor

footsteps running away

Tor: Alek, come back.

Alek: (from off screen) I’m fine right here.

sound of muffled pounding

Tor: See? It’s one-sided. Now Hook is just as stuck as the ghost.

Alek: (from off screen) Nope. All good right here.

more muffled pounding

Hook: Oi! Let me out. I don’t have a visitor’s pass. Janine told us all what the side effects were. My poor manhood doesn’t deserve that.

Hades: You’ll come back over when I’m good and ready, pirate. Not a minute before.

Dahlia: My heart, you know he can’t help himself.

Hades looks to Dahlia, the sour expression on his face softening.

Hades: You know I won’t hurt him. Just maim him a little until he learns his lesson.

Kai: Goddess knows he could use it.

Gavin: (aside) Do you think they’d let us use that trick on Remi?

Asher: (aside) It’s too late to teach that dog any new tricks.

Kiki: Oookay, I’m gonna wrap this up because if I have to spend any more time with Caspian, I’m probably gonna develop scurvy. When I said the horsemen were you, I meant you were all integral parts of the game the horsewomen were playing. They are too. They’re the chess pieces this time around.

Gavin: (musingly) They’re the mates.

Kiki: Ding ding.

Hades: Those fuckers. They won’t answer my calls. I had an inkling something was happening with them, but now I have to talk to them.

Asher: Can you get them to come here?

Alek: (from off screen) I beg your pardon? You want to bring the Four Horsemen here? If they’re anything like their counterparts, we’d need some sort of maximum-security holding cell to keep us all safe.

Tor: *snarls* No more cells.

Dahlia: (soothingly) He didn’t mean for you. No one is going to lock you up ever again.

Tor: No. More. Cells.

Dahlia strokes Tor’s hand and leans over to press a gentle kiss to his cheek. Tor settles at the touch, but his stare grows distant.

Hades: I’ll continue trying to meet with them. With the fourth Prince now released, we are on the precipice of the point of no return. They may not know it yet, but the four of them are going to need allies.

Kai: We’re sure another Prince was released?

Gavin: What else would you call the aurora appearing as fire-like tears in the sky?

Asher: We’re sure, dragon. The aurora is another natural wonder that’s been desecrated. That’s the Prince’s MO. (adds under his breath) And again, here I am backing up Count Chocula. The world really is ending. I bet pigs will start flying next.

Soft knocking on the portal

Kiki: Can I go now? I’ve shared the thing, and it sounds like you guys know everything else. Pirates of the Caribbean might be my favorite ride at Disney, but like that one pirate who walked into a bar with the wheel on his belt, this one be drivin’ me nuts.

Hook: Ha . . . ha . . . ha . . .

Asher stands and moves closer to the camera.

clothes rustling

footsteps coming closer

Asher: You can see why I wanted to share that with you. There was no way any of you were going to believe me if you didn’t see it with your own eyes. So, to recap, now we know who the missing pieces are. All that’s left is to find them. Hopefully Hades is able to connect with them, but if not, maybe one of you will fare better.

Hades: Asshole, fetch.

happy dog barks

Asher turns away from the screen, revealing the portal just as the small dog jumps through.

Asshole: Come on, Captain Jack. We don’t want your dick to fall off before you get topside again, do we?

Kiki: Such a good boy. Taking out the trash for your human.

Hook: Rude. You loved me before, remember?

Kiki: I’m just teasing. Be good to my girl, Cas. Or you’ll answer to me.

Asshole: Can I pee on him just a little, boss?

Hook: If I see that leg lift even a centimeter, I will break it. Don’t test me, dog. You’re adorable, but I know you’ll heal.

Asshole: You do remember who you’re talking to, right? Cause I’ve got three fuckin’ mouths, and I ain’t afraid to use ’em.

Kiki: You sure do, cutie.

Kiki pets Asshole until he’s happily panting against her leg.

Asshole: Ah, yeah. Right there. That’s the spot. Gods, I love you, toots.

Asher returns to the camera shot, eyes wide.

Asher: Okay, so apparently the dog can talk. Great. I’m gonna sign off now before things get even weirder. If that is even fuckin’ possible at this point. Try not to die in the meantime.

static

End of transmission.