Page 11

Chapter

Ten

MERRI

A girlish giggle escaped as I spun around in my room, dancing to the music playing on my phone with abandon. I hadn’t felt like this in so long. Whole. Healthy. Excited. My days had been little more than a series of carbon copies until a few weeks ago. There were brief sparks of enjoyment to be found in my routine, but nothing I looked forward to the way I did these new nightly visits.

As I sang along with the chorus of the song, I leaned close to the vanity mirror and used my fingers to swipe a honey-infused moisturizer across my forehead, cheeks, and chin. My skin was glowing, complexion clear and luminescent in a way one might use to describe the ethereal beauty of the fae. Hell, I was positive if I walked around like this, that's exactly what I’d be mistaken for.

I caught myself mid-cheek pinch and laughed. I was prepping as if I was about to go on an actual date. The butterflies in my stomach sure seemed to think that’s what was happening, even if my partner for the evening had no idea about it. I had more of a physical connection with Sin than any of the other guys, that was undeniable, but something about being able to walk in their subconsciouses made this feel more intimate. Like I was peeking behind the curtain at things they kept from the world.

In only three days, I’d learned so much about the men I was cohabitating with. Things I’d bet they’d never willingly share. Maybe that made these visits a little unfair since I was essentially collecting their secrets without their knowledge, but it wasn’t like I was using the information against them.

If anything, it was bringing us closer together.

And if Malice was allowed to spy on me via his cameras and computer spyware, then I say turnabout is fair play. Because there was no way he was keeping what he discovered to himself, so really, I was just creating an even playing field. Girl power and all that.

The itch of anticipation hummed under my skin as I glanced at the time, hopeful the late hour meant Sin would have finally nodded off for the night. He didn’t need to sleep, per se, but all the horsemen did it by force of habit. Neither did demons, actually. Lilith had explained it to me once. She said it helped our brains handle the weight of our long lives and, in some cases, immortality. Those who didn’t use these little opportunities to power down tended to go mad after a few centuries.

Settling myself in bed, I closed my eyes and homed in on Sin’s energy. He wasn’t hard to find, the feel of him distinctive, just as the others had been. Perhaps he was so easy because the two of us shared so many similarities. Or maybe it was simply because I’d gotten stronger. Either way, I could sense him before I opened the door labeled Stage Door and stepped into his dream.

The smell of the smoke machines hit me first, followed quickly by the heat of the spotlights, even though they weren’t directed my way. From what I could tell, I was tucked off on the side of the stage, on which Sin stood front and center, cradling his mic stand as if it was a lover and belting out the final notes of one of the Apocalyptic Unicorns’ biggest hits.

Good God, he was beautiful. Shirtless, in low-slung leather pants, sweat making his skin glisten under the lights, Sin was every inch the rock star of my fantasies. The song finished, and the crowd went wild. Sin smirked and silenced them with a single lift of his hand.

I’d heard the expression about holding someone in the palm of their hand, but until this moment, I don’t think I’d ever seen it in action. Sin was in complete control of the crowd, and they trusted him fully. It was a powerful thing. No wonder he loved it so much.

“All right, we’re just about to wrap up for the night?—”

The crowd was immediate in their protest.

Sin laughed. “I know, I know. I’m having a blast too, but you see, I promised a very special lady that I wouldn’t miss our date tonight.” He looked over to where I was tucked behind a curtain and winked at me. I felt a flutter low in my stomach at the acknowledgment that I was said special lady.

There were a few cries of disappointment in response to Sin’s explanation—fair enough, part of the fantasy was believing the rock star would fall head over heels as soon as he spotted his soulmate in the crowd—but most of his fans let out heartfelt swoons.

“You know,” he started, holding his hand out and practically summoning a guitar tech from thin air. “I spend so much time as the frontman, running around on stage, singing for you all, and I love it. But what I really love is getting to show you the softer side of me.”

He put the guitar strap over his head and strummed across the strings before beginning to pick out a tender melody. “Do you guys want to hear what I’ve been working on?”

A cheer loud enough to make my ears ring filled the arena.

He chuckled. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Then Sin looked my way, his eyes blazing as they locked with mine. “But only if I can get a guest out here.”

My heart lurched as those words hit me.

“Well, what do you say, kitten? Come out here and let me serenade you so they can all see how much you mean to me.”

Shock sent my heart tumbling in my chest. Of all the things I thought I might discover in Sin’s dreams, a mid-concert serenade hadn’t even made the top one hundred.

I pointed to myself and mouthed, Me?

He laughed and then turned to the crowd. “Looks like she’s feeling a little shy. Let’s make her feel at home, yeah? Will you show my girl how much you’d like to meet her?”

The audience erupted into applause, and a stool manifested out of nowhere next to Sin right as the stage lights dimmed so only two spotlights remained.

“Come on, baby. I want to show off my beautiful girl.”

My knees shook as I stepped onto the stage, and Sin’s expression morphed from a little unsure to absolutely beaming. I could feel the heat in my cheeks as a full-body blush swept over me. Thankfully the crowd was kind, and Sin didn’t waste any time prolonging the moment. As soon as I was settled on the stool, he started to play.

Just like with his last song, his voice hypnotized the crowd. My whole body tightened as he bared his soul to all thirty-odd thousand of us through the poetry woven into the lyrics he wrote... about me. It wasn’t all sex and rock ‘n’ roll like most of the Apocalyptic Unicorns’ music. This was filled with yearning, hope, and happiness at finding the one meant for him.

Unexpected tears misted my eyes, and I was having a little trouble swallowing around the ball of emotion lodged in my throat. I knew this was a dream, which meant Sin’s admission was subconscious at best. But I didn’t have that same excuse to hide behind. My reaction to his confession was fully realized.

As the song ended, he lifted the guitar over his head and handed it back to the assistant, not even waiting for the crowd’s applause to end before he pulled me into his arms and kissed me long and deep.

“God, I’d hoped you’d come. Did you like the song?”

I nodded, equal parts breathless and speechless because there was so much to unpack from what his song revealed.

“Come with me.” He threaded our fingers and tugged me off stage, and as is common in dreams, before I could process what happened, the two of us were in his dressing room.

“I know we’re supposed to go out to dinner with the others, but if it’s okay with you, tonight I just want you all to myself.”

Since his request was made in between a series of drugging kisses, all I could do was let out a little hum of assent as I clung to him. I wanted him. Not only to feed from. I wanted Sin in the way I wanted Jimmy once upon a time. I wanted a future. I wanted to make plans and share the ups and downs that came with them. I wanted to be the girl in his song, not just the succubus he was protecting out of some weird sense of duty or obligation.

If you’d asked me even a week ago, I would have denied ever wanting to let myself get close to someone like this again, but Sin’s song had revealed some long-buried truth inside me. I never stopped wanting that life; I’d just stopped letting myself believe it was possible.

“Sin,” I whispered, looking into his eyes and finding nothing but hope there.

“Say you’re mine, Merri.”

“I—”

Before the words left my lips, I jolted awake to the shrill sound of my phone ringing in the pitch dark of my bedroom.

The disorientation was real. For several heartbeats, Sin’s dressing room was superimposed over my bedroom, and I had to actively blink it away.

I made to sit up, but the room swayed, and I flopped back down on my pillow with a low moan. I’d say I felt drunk, but I hadn’t had a drop to drink. The sensation was similar, though.

The phone continued ringing until I finally picked it up and managed a hoarse, “Hello?”

Lilith’s voice was a blade of sultry steel. “What the devil have you been up to, pet?”

Irritation spiked through me at the interruption. “Well, I was in the middle of dreamwalking, but you interrupted me before I could get to the good part.” And by good part, I meant the feeding.

Have you heard of being hangry? Try being horngry. Horny, angry, and hungry all at the same time. Do not recommend.

“Did you just... snap at me?” Lilith’s tone sent a ripple of ice down my spine. I needed to rein it in.

“Sorry, Auntie. You know how it is when you are denied a very yummy meal.”

“And who were we feeding from, my darling?”

I sighed and flopped back onto my pillow. “Sin. But sweet, sexy rock star Sin. With all the emotions and feelings. It was like a five-course Michelin star dinner just waiting for me to dive in.”

Instead of approval, like I’d been expecting, Lilith sighed and murmured, “Oh dear. It’s worse than I feared.”

That dulled all my lingering sparkle. “What do you mean? I found a way to feed without hurting anyone. How is this a bad thing?”

“Merri, darling, you’ve been playing around with things you don’t understand. Things best left in the past where they belong.”

“Well, how the hell was I supposed to know that? It’s not like you ever told me this was a possibility.”

Lilith murmured something I couldn’t understand before the sound of a door closing filtered over the phone. “It has been forbidden for centuries. That’s why I never instructed you on the art of dreamwalking.”

“What do you mean, forbidden?” That made no sense. If we could feed without doing harm, why would it be forbidden?

“I mean exactly what I say. The High Council forbade dreamwalking in the 1400s.”

Something about the timeframe niggled at the back of my mind.

“It’s no coincidence that the date corresponds with the start of the witch trials.”

There it was. Give a woman a little bit of power or autonomy, and of course she must be a witch.

“B-but . . . why?”

“Well, darling, men being unfaithful, even in their dreams, has always been an issue. And women falling pregnant out of wedlock, or while their husbands were away, could only be the work of the demonic.” Lilith snickered. “The Virgin Mary defense only works once, so witches were obviously the most convenient scapegoats.”

“So you’re saying dreamwalking caused the witch trials?”

“Precisely. And the Council wasn’t wrong for the decision.”

“How can you say that?” I sputtered, shocked to hear Lilith, of all people, agree with such a decision.

“Well, while we may not have done exactly what they accused us of, we were hardly free from fault. We were enslaving people, after all.”

“Wait, what?”

That didn’t sound good. So much for my “dreamwalking is harmless” theory.

“Every time we enter someone’s dream, we attach a tether to them. A connection that grows stronger and more persistent with each visit. Before long, they become ours to control and feed from at our whims. We can use them for so many things. Nourishment, sexual pleasure, procreation. It’s a most incredible power. But it doesn’t come without a dark side.”

Dread sat heavy in my stomach, turning my blood to ice.

“Dark side?”

“Yes, lovely. Obsession, madness, death. Once the bond is created, the mortal partner becomes addicted to their lover. The craving is unsatisfiable. A hunger that can never be sated.”

What have I done?

“Is it reversible?”

Lilith made a musing sound. “Hard to say. Few survived after their bonded was executed. The mortals, I mean. It would hardly be much of a threat if our kind were at risk of dropping like flies whenever one of their mortal pets perished. But suffice it to say, even those who survived the passing were mere shells of their former selves, robbed of their happiness and will to live. Understandably so. Who wants to exist without that which gives their life meaning?”

“And that’s why the High Council banned dreamwalking? Because the mortals were dying?”

Lilith’s sultry laugh filled the line. “No, my sweet. They banned it because once the humans figured out our game, they hunted us to near extinction. Only a handful of us escaped with our lives. You’re one of very few true succubi in the world.”

“Is that like a pedigree thing?”

“Indeed.”

A heavy sigh escaped my lips, the weight of the world feeling as though it was crashing down on top of me. I should have known something that felt so good and easy came with strings. Not even strings, but massive insurmountable chains.

“So I'm doing something bad?”

“Technically.”

“And dangerous to them?”

“Have you been dreamwalking with all four of them?”

Worry twisted in my gut. “Yes?”

“My, my, you are a hungry little thing. Though that stands to reason, given how you’ve been surviving all this time. You’ve finally given yourself permission to thrive. Of course you’re addicted.”

“Do I need to stop?”

Please say no.

Please say no.

I felt guilty even as the words coursed through my mind. It was selfish of me, especially knowing what was at stake for my men if I continued.

“It is forbidden, darling. If you were to get caught, the penalty is death.”

“And if I don’t get caught?”

“The risk of building a bond you cannot break is still there.” Lilith paused, her voice softening as she added, “Ask yourself this, Merri. Are you willing to be tied to these men for eternity? Because that’s the true danger.”

I bit down on my bottom lip. To say I felt conflicted didn’t begin to cover it. It had only been a handful of nights, so why did it feel like something precious was being ripped away from me? Memories flickered through my mind, each one bringing with it a fresh wave of loss. Malice calling me his wife as he held me tight. The way Chaos had worshipped me even when he thought it was a one-time thing. Grim’s possessiveness over me and my body. Sin’s confession and unexpected tenderness. I wasn’t ready to give any of that up. I wanted more.

From all of them.

“After, with Chaos, I had bruises. Can I hurt them in these dreams?” I asked, already knowing the answer in my gut.

“Of course. Whatever happens in a dreamwalk affects the living body. How else do you think incubi spread their demonic seed?”

I screwed my eyes shut tight as a new stab of guilt hit hard. I couldn’t continue this. Despite any upside, there was far too much risk. More than I ever could have expected. I never would have attempted it if I’d known how real it all was.

“I wish you’d told me about this sooner...” I whispered.

Silently adding, if only so I didn’t know all that I was giving up.

That was the part that stung. Because of course I could continue to feed and build relationships with these guys in the traditional sense, if that’s what I wanted. But I wouldn’t get to uncover those secret pieces of them. The subconscious desires they’d never willingly share. I mean, for fuck’s sake, Grim couldn’t even touch me in the physical world.

“I am sorry, poppet. I never thought you’d figure it out. Dreamwalking isn’t a skill easily tapped into.”

Numb, I nodded before realizing she couldn’t see me. “Thanks for calling me back.”

There was a slight hesitation before Lilith responded. “About that...”

Oh God, what now?

“We can’t speak like this again, Merri. It’s too dangerous.”

Goddammit. I needed more than just these four grumpy men who kept me on a need-to-know basis. I had no allies if Lilith wasn’t even available.

“Who am I supposed to talk to?”

“Trust the horsemen, Merri. I chose them for a reason.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but she hung up before I could respond.

“Ugh. Just great.”

I’d lost my mentor and my meal ticket all in one fell swoop. Fucking perfect. Life hadn’t felt so meaningless since losing Jimmy. Lilith might as well have left me locked up in Blackwood. At least there I could pretend to have some semblance of a real life and meaningful connections. No one had to hide who they were there. If anything, we were taught to embrace the truth of who and what we were. Lilith said to trust them, but how could I if I didn’t know their secrets, their desires, their feelings? They sure as hell wouldn’t offer that up willingly. And without access to their dreams to discover the answers myself, what could ever exist between us?

The answer made me want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Nothing.

Nothing real could exist between us.