Page 149 of Caution to the Wind

That she’d made a hero outta me that way still burned in me like I’d swallowed starlight right outta the sky.

“You loved me once,” I murmured ’cause the space between us called for sacred whispers. “Can you forgive me now for bein’ a hurt bastard?”

She laughed a little, but it was waterlogged. “The memory of what I did to you is like a knife in my chest, and every time I think about what happened, it twists brutally into my heart. I’m the one who needs forgiveness, not you.”

“How about we’re both forgiven?” I suggested, brushin’ my thumbs over her sharp cheekbones. “I think at this point we can agree, we’re more than enemies.”

She smiled, and I didn’t resist the urge to press my thumb into the divot of her one-sided dimple. “Enemies with benefits, I hope?”

“No,” I growled, leanin’ forward to nip her bottom lip. “We were never enemies, Rocky. I’ve loved you before, and I was foolin’ myself thinkin’ I ever stopped.”

She bit her lip, lookin’ skeptically up at me through her lashes.

“I loved you,” I repeated firmly.

“No, not the way I wanted to be loved. Not like loving me was the only choice you ever could have made. Not like it was love me or die for not having me.”

Her longin’ was so palpable I could feel it echoed through that link that anchored us together against all odds. I thought of her over the last near-decade, mostly alone, with only Old Dragon to love her and Jiang to keep her a perverse kinda company, and I ached for the both of us. Despite havin’ Cleo and the club, I’d been a special kinda lonely without her, too. I wasn’t one to give much of my inner self to people unprompted and Mei was the only one determined to break down my walls anyway. It made me feel seen and worthy that she’d always gone to that much effort to know me.

“Let’s get this done,” I decided, pullin’ away to deal with the last two bodies ’cause there was somethin’ I wanted to show her, and I knew if I didn’t do itnow,I’d lose my fuckin’ nerve.

Mei hesitated, bitin’ her lip like she wanted to say more, but eventually, she helped me toss the last body over the edge and then waited quietly as I rowed us back to shore.

After I tied up the boat to the dock, I took her hand and led her up the ramp to the house. It was quiet inside, empty, ’cause Cleo was stayin’ over at Bea and Priest’s. I didn’t bother to turn on the lights as I led Mei through the dark into the garage off the side of the house. Only when I closed the door behind us did I let her go and flip on the light.

This was my studio space.

My safe place.

Cleo and Lin didn’t come in unless I invited them, and mostly, I didn’t.

It was for that part of my brain that needed to express itself in pen and paint ’cause words never seemed to do.

I surveyed the huge room with floor-to-ceilin’ windows along two sides showin’ the dense forest at the back of the property and then turned to take in Mei’s reaction.

Her pink mouth was dropped open in a little comical “O” of shock.

I got her.

It was shockin’, even for me havin’ been the one to paint them.

I’d been possessed to create the way I always was, blackin’ out as I dragged acrylic over canvas, pen over dense, textured art paper. For the last six weeks Mei’d been in my life again, all I’d been able to create was her.

The many faces of Mei Zhen Marchard stared back at us where they were propped against the wall, against each other, restin’ on easels half finished. Mei on the day I’d seen her in the hospital, curled up with Cleo like the yin to her yang. Mei naked and sprawled on the pink bed of Purgatory Motel with her tiny red thong caught around one ankle lookin’ entirely debauched in the wave of destruction from my mouth and cock. Mei in one of her martial arts poses, ready for a fight, limbs loose but ready, weight on the balls of her feet, slick hair caught up in a bun on top of her head.

Mei was everywhere in the studio ’cause she was everywhere I looked inside my own head.

I preferred to paint landscapes, and I’d only dabbled in a couple of portraits of Cleo and Lin, a paintin’ of Angel and Monster for Loulou, and another of Prince for Cressida and King. Nova’d asked me to do one of Lila for her birthday, too. But the ones of Mei, they were the best I’d ever done.

She didn’t look at me or move an inch off the landin’ in front of the door as she whispered, “What is this?”

“I told you once eight years ago that I loved you, and you implied it wasn’t enough.” I moved toward her again, takin’ her limp hand to lead her into the middle of the concrete floor. “I asked what the fuck I had to do to show you how much you were loved.” I swallowed the burn in my throat. “How much I loved you.”

Back then, it’d been obvious that the ultimate expression of love and possessiveness would be for me to have her tattooed on my skin like I did with Cleo, Kate, and Lin, but that hadn’t been possible then. I hadn’t remembered that ’til now, and gettin’ ink for her didn’t seem wrong anymore. It seemed almost wrong Ididn’thave her inked onto me when she was so clearly a part of my fate in this life.

It was somethin’ to think about for another time when I could see beyond the next minute with her.

For now, I hoped this would be enough to prove to her the sheer fuckin’ enormity of my feelings for her.