Page 9

Nina

I wonder what my old therapists would say if they knew how much I would rather stay in the hospital than go home. It can't be healthy to prefer four bright white walls, scratchy sheets, and a hard mattress to the uncertainty of moving on with life.

Since Wednesday, life has been on pause. Honestly, it might not have been the best thing for my mental health, but God dang it's felt wonderful to check out of the world completely.

Everyone continues to stare at me like they’re waiting for something big. Maybe they're thinking I'll have a meltdown or start talking. What they don't know and only my mom and dad might realize is this stone walling act is my version of a meltdown.

Mr. M tied a noose around my neck long ago that still strangles the fight out of me. I won't ever yell or fight for myself loudly. The only weapon I have in my arsenal is my stone wall that keeps people away.

Only my mom and dad know how to wiggle their way through my tough barriers, and even then, it's a struggle to let them in.

What I fear the most is how easily the guys knocked my walls down the first time. I'm terrified that once I'm home and they're around constantly, that I'll fold and let them back in.

Sometimes I can't remember why I'm shutting them out. What's the point if they're just going to barrel right past my keep out signs?

I feel so alone, yet the six people constantly around me say otherwise. My body may have all the company, but my mind—all the horrible thoughts—is alone. And I refuse to drag anyone through the rough terrain that is my mental health.

My heart screams for the guys to wrap me up tight and never let me go, but my brain has caution tape locking me down. I don't deserve to think the things I do, and everyone else most definitely doesn't deserve to be subjected to all of that.

I'm the crime scene, and they're the bystanders hoping to get a glimpse of the damage.

Except they aren't craning their necks to snap a few pictures, no. Trevor, Kai, Ridge, and Henry are aiming to bust right through the roadblocks and rescue me.

But what happens when I start feeling better again? Something will happen, I know it. Something bad. Just like this time. It's easier to stay down and ignore the hands trying to pull me up. If I climb to my feet and fall again, there won't be anything left but a broken carcass of me.

Y ou're just a needy little girl who needs cock to keep you in line, aren't you? Sheesh!

"Meg, please. You can't think this is okay."

"She's fine, Will."

If you want this so badly, you're going to have to beg for it. Melting. I am meeelting.

"It's not healthy," Dad grits out. Mom shushes him.

I sigh and set my e-reader down. Eyeing my dad with caution, I click the power button so he can't read my newest favorite book. "What's wrong?"

"Nina, you know how I feel about how much you read." Dad shakes his head. "You use it as an escape."

And? I don't say that though. "What else should I be doing right now? I'm stuck in this hospital room for twelve more hours."

Mom—who, I would like to add, is also reading—glares at dad. He pays her no mind and continues eyeing me down, like if he stares hard enough, I'll agree with his assessment of my hobby. "You could talk to us."

I glance at my mom, wondering what she thinks about this conversation. "I've been talking to you for days. You don't really leave me in here alone." Which is true. My mom and dad have barely left me alone since Wednesday. We're in a small room; of course I've spoken to them.

"You could talk to them , then."

Mom closes her book. "Will, stop."

"Meg, she's shutting them out." He's exasperated and looking like he's at a loss. Once again, I'm reminded why moving out was a good idea. Nausea swirls in my belly. My shoulders clench, making my body vibrate with anxiety. "Y-you haven't said anything about them."

I don't like the way Mom nudges Dad's leg. Releasing a huge sigh, dad composes himself and stands. In two strides, he's beside me and lowering himself to sit next to my hip.

He takes my shaky hand in his calloused one.

"I'm worried about you, sweetie. We don't live with you, they do.

We love you, and so do they . Trev, Ridge, Kai, and Henry have been here the entire time.

If you think they'll leave you alone when you can't lock them out, you're in for a rude awakening. "

Looking over at Mom feels like second nature, but the annoyance that was just in her eyes is gone. In its place, she's giving me a soft, almost sad look. "He's right, Nina. They're yours and you're theirs. That hasn't changed. It won't no matter how hard you push them away."

"That's why we approve." Dad winks and the tension in my neck loosens a little. "Even when you give up on yourself, they won't. They will cheer you on and help you up until the end of time. Even if you don't want it."

Something settles and relaxes in my mind. Maybe it's a few strips of caution tape flying off in the breeze of my dad’s wisdom, or the knot in my neck releasing. Whatever gave way makes this next step forward possible.

I want it. Them. I want them and their overbearing, stubborn selves. I just hope they're ready for me too. Because this version of me is teetering on the edge, and if I fall? There will be nothing left.