Page 29

Nina

T oday isn't a good day. The worst part is I'm not even sure why.

Waking up in the living room after our slumber party this morning was nice and knowing that Ridge would be home today added an extra pep in my step. Until I showered.

With a belly full of pancakes and warm water massaging my skin, I lost myself. My forehead feels heavy, like my racing thoughts are trying to yank me down head first. The rest of me feels floaty, and not in a happy way.

I feel lost. With nothing anchoring me to sanity, the intrusive thoughts come back. I'm right back to the horrible game of who would care if I died?

Knowing I'm loved and feeling loved every single day is a beautiful thing, but it doesn't change the spiraling trajectory my broken mind is prone to. Unworthiness and complete disappointment with myself are tough monsters to beat.

Heck, we can't even beat a tangible monster.

Sometimes I wonder if these horrible thoughts and feelings would disappear if Mr. M perished.

Wishing death on another human makes my gut twist so hard I have to sit down outside the tub.

With just my towel wrapped around me and my dripping wet hair, I shiver and squeeze my eyes shut.

Hoping he would die leads me down the path of easy ways I could just...stop living.

Would they notice if I left in the middle of the night and wrapped my car around a tree?

Maybe there's a bottle of pills somewhere...

Just the thought of doing that makes me gag and lurch for the toilet. Scrambling to lift the lid, my knees dig into the cool ground which sends chills racing up my spine.

They're leaving in a few days, all four of them, for the final signing to sell their house. Will they come back? Should I run and save them from a horrible life with me?

Knocking rouses me from the depths of my own hell. "Nina! I have a surprise for you!" Too busy dry heaving, I don't respond. "You okay in there, flora?"

I open my mouth to tell him I'm fine, but a sob explodes from me instead. "Kai!" His name slips free, making me sound like I'm in pain. And oh my gosh, I'm hurting so badly.

Everything hurts. Everything hurts. It hurts!

"NINA!"

What was once a knock becomes a BOOM that forces fear to the forefront of my mind. With the same urgency I threw myself at the toilet, I now fling sideways and cling to the side of my tub.

A cramp pangs through my side as I huddle in on myself. All I hear is my thundering heartbeat behind the mean thoughts trying to tear me down.

Coward .

They wouldn't want someone who's afraid of them.

I bring nothing to this relationship.

Nothing. I'm worthless.

"Nina!" Kai...

"Fuck, pretty girl!" Henry...

"Baby, you're breaking my heart." Trevor...

"What the hell is going on?!" Ridge!

Help me...Save me from myself. Please!