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Nina

D oes anyone else ever imagine driving their car into a tree? Maybe wonder about closing the garage door with the car still running? Or...Well, does anyone think about dying? Actively ending your life?

Sometimes the thought just pops into your head when you're driving. Maybe holding a knife triggers a horrible thought.

Then when your knuckles tighten on the steering wheel or handle, you wonder if anyone would be sad if you were gone?

It's morbid and sad.

There have to be other people out there whose mind plays this nasty game on them. Right?

Please tell me I'm not alone.

Because I feel so so alone. And while I would never act on these thoughts, they make me feel like I'm drowning. Because why would I think that? Not only am I struggling to live, I have to scold myself for thinking about death.

I don't want to die.

Of course when I was just learning to live again, I'm dragged right back to hell. As darkness swallows me whole, I wonder if anyone will care that this time I won't survive.

I won't survive the monster a second time.

I don't think I want to survive because if I do, this time I will truly be beyond repair.