Page 48

Nina

I 'm running out of time. I know that, and clearly my mom does too.

"Nina," she narrows her eyes. "You need to tell them your plan. Please, for the love of gosh, they're driving me crazy with their hovering."

"They aren't hovering over you , Mom."

I roll my eyes and go back to planting some flowers around Mom and Dad's mailbox. Dad got back from work early today with a flower project for me. He said it would be good practice for when I have my new garden.

It's been a few days since I fell in love with that house. This morning, Dad told me it wouldn't be on the market for long, which had immediately dampened my mood. Until he told me he made an offer on it. I squealed and jumped into his arms.

That moment was so beautifully surreal for many different reasons. I haven't really sought out touch from my dad for years and the last time he bought me a house I resented him for it a little.

"Obviously," Mom huffs and attempts to wipe sweat from her eyebrow. "But since I'm with you all the time, I'm starting to feel suffocated. I have no idea how it doesn't bother you."

I think about that for a moment and peek up at the four of them sitting on the porch. They're like little blobs across the yard, but I can literally feel the intensity of their stares.

"It doesn't bother me because it makes me feel safe," I mutter, realizing just how much I love their protectiveness. "Like no matter what, they will be there for me and watch over me."

Glancing at my mom, guilt eats at me for a moment before she smiles. "That's the same way your dad makes me feel."

I smile and fight back some emotion. I've always wanted what my parents have. Her eyes are imploring still, urging me to answer her real question.

"I'll tell them when..." When what? Blowing out a breath, I lean back. "I was thinking I would tell them when I know for sure we would get that house, but what if they don't want to move in with me again? What if they have other plans? Or what if?—"

"Sweetie," Mom cuts me off and places a gloved hand over mine. "I can guarantee those men will follow you wherever you go. But in order for you to believe that you need to talk to them."

My eyes glaze over as I imagine all the ways that conversation could go. It starts as a subtle shift in breathing until I realize I can't suck in a breath at all.

"Nina, shh," Mom coos, running her hands up and down my arms. "Please don't make them all growly that they rush over and trample our flowers."

A watery snort escapes me, affectively pulling me out of the small panic attack. "S-sorry." I sigh and breathe extra deep to try to calm my racing heart. "I'm scared."

"You know what I think?" Mom prompts but continues without allowing me to say anything. "I'm so happy the five of you found your way back to each other. And I definitely don't see you losing them like you're afraid of."

"I just don't want to be alone anymore, Mom," I whisper. "I want to be free with them, but what if?—"

"No more what ifs, sweetheart. Those are questions you can ask them and not trip over in your mind, okay?"

I chew on the inside of my cheek. She's right. My anxiety will get the best of me if I don't just freaking talk to them. I don't want to push them away ever again. I want to be better than that. Better than the girl who thought she could keep stubborn men at arm’s length.

I decide to embrace them now. "Okay."

Mom gives me a soft look and goes back to her side of the planter box. For a while, I continue digging holes and giving the flowers their new home. Toward the end, after so much processing of my emotions that my therapist would be proud, I realize I love gardening.

Now, I know this is on a much smaller scale than the one at the house I want, but it was so therapeutic that I think I'll really benefit from doing this on a regular basis.

"Hey, Mom?"

"Yeah, sweetheart?" she says, focused on gathering our trash.

I hesitate, then say what's been on my mind. "Thank you for giving me those two years before telling them. I'm sure that was a really, really hard decision to make, but being here, now, after everything, I think that was the right choice."

Tears immediately fill her eyes, but they're quickly gone from view as she wraps me in her arms. "Oh Nina. Th-thank you. Thank y-you for saying that. I'm so sorry."

I squeeze her tight and bury my face in her shoulder. "No apologizing. Especially after I thanked you for what you did."

"I just feel so guilty!" she cries.

She's breaking my heart. "I needed time, Mom. You gave me exactly what I needed."

"They could have pushed you harder than your dad and I did."

"Then who knows where we would be? It worked out exactly how it was supposed to. Mr—" I choke, not wanting to say that monster's name ever again. " He's dead. I have my best friends back and my parents are finally about to have the space to be empty nesters."

"Now you listen here." She pulls back and bends to look me right in the eyes.

"If I had it my own selfish way, I'd keep you here with me forever.

You're my best friend, Nina Solace. But the unconditional love of a mother means letting go at some point too.

You need my arms to loosen so you may spread your wings. "

Sniffling, I try to keep myself together, but fail miserably. "Just never too far, okay? I refuse to be too far from you."

"When—If you become a mother, you'll realize any distance is too far. Then you'd be sick of always having me around."

"Never," I vow, and dive into her embrace again. "I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, my sweet Nina."