Page 31

Nina

M y most recent panic episode has caused a problem. More than one, actually. At the moment, telling the guys about my intrusive thoughts seemed like the right thing to do. Now, not so much.

I didn't even tell them about some of the really awful ones, and I'm glad I didn't. Some things just shouldn't be said out loud to anyone but a therapist.

Speaking of...

Slamming my laptop closed, I groan and flop back onto the large rug in my bedroom. I'm aware my mind is a scary place, but apparently awareness isn't good enough.

At least according to my therapist, who threw me for a loop when she said, "Now that you know yourself so well, Nina, how do you change the things you don't find helpful?"

Can I don't freaking know, please tell me be an answer? Apparently not.

Five days ago, when I was throwing up and cowering away from the men I love was a big sign that I haven't been dealing with my issues. So now I've amped up my therapy sessions to twice a week. It's exhausting and makes me feel terrible because the last time I did this was years ago.

I can't be as bad as I was after getting out of the psych ward. I'm supposed to be better.

Dishes clank in the kitchen downstairs, and my mom laughs loud enough to echo through the air vents. I'll go down for family dinner soon, but I have to process all my processing.

We, my counselor and I, came to the realization that Ridge being gone for a few days triggered me. It was like taking some of my security blanket away from me, leaving part of me vulnerable.

Vulnerability in a time like this, where I feel like luck is running out, is not a good thing. My therapist wants me to bring the guys in for a group session, but I'm not ready for that.

It's nice to have a space where my trauma can come out freely without worry of judgment or hurting others.

Which is exactly what happened five days ago. I'll never forget the look on their faces when I explained a little about what goes on in my mind when I get really low. Maybe I should have sugarcoated the extent of my dark thoughts, but I was exhausted and felt guilty for my behavior already.

I can't believe I was scared of them .

A tear drop tickles my temple, and I hastily wipe it away. Good thing too, because a knock at my door comes a second later, then my mom enters.

"Hey, sweetie."

I keep staring at the ceiling. "Hi, Mom."

A blanket hits the ground next to my head. Mom sits on it, hovering above me with a small frown tugging on her eyebrows. "How was the session today?"

"Just fine." I've never liked talking about therapy. "I'm really sorry."

Her head cocks. "What for?"

My lip wobbles as I think about all the things I could list off. "I moved out to give you space, and yet you're always here because I'm still the opposite of normal and independent."

She sighs and pulls out her phone, confusing the heck out of me. So I reach for the device to see what she's doing, but she tsks at me. "I'm texting your dad to bring us dinner and a bottle of wine. I think a girls’ night is in order. Don't you?"

"I can't drink," I remind her. She nods and maybe pouts a little, remembering my concussion.

I didn't realize I needed time with my mom until this exact moment. A horrible, depressing weight lifts off of me. When my dad enters my room with two plates of nachos and Ridge follows with one glass and the bottle Mom requested, I feel all floaty.

With a small smile and a sweet kiss on my lips, Ridge murmurs that he'll see me in a little while.

"Stop staring at his butt," Mom whisper-hisses, but when I look over, she's doing the exact same thing to Dad.

For what feels like the first time in forever, I roll my eyes and reach for my dinner without prompting.

Maybe this is just what my therapist ordered.

" A ny ideas of other ways instead of spanking her cute little ass?"

Someone snorts and another voice mumbles something inaudible. Then I recognize the next one. "Leave my flora alone and let her sleep."

Trevor's exasperated tone wakes me even more. "If we hadn't checked on her, she could have burned the house down, Kai!"

Did I leave my rose candle burning? It definitely smells extra nice in here.

"That's why we checked on her," Henry, the peacekeeper, states.

"Why didn't Meg blow it out when she left the room?" Ridge! He's still home.

My head throbs a little after staying up so late with my mom. The sugar didn't help either, I bet. Mom was the light in my dark tunnel that I needed though.

"She was half asleep too, man." Trevor sounds distracted. I find out why when something warm tickles my cheek. Unable to keep my curiosity at bay anymore, I open my eyes and take in my surroundings.

Chocolate wrappers are closest to me. Then comes Trevor, whose gentle expression turns stern when we make eye contact. "Baby girl, do I need to ban candles from your bedroom?"

I clear my throat as if it's scratchy from sleep and I'm not buying time to make up an excuse. Nothing comes out when I open my mouth though. I can't lie and say I didn't light it, nor will I blame my mom for my carelessness.

The candle Trevor's so bent out of shape about is about a foot away from me, and inches from my long wild hair. "I didn't mean to fall asleep." Which is the truth.

Trevor sighs and tickles my cheek. "Be more careful, please?"

I nod happily. "Yes, of course." He continues to watch me while the others pick up the mess my mom and I made. "Snuggles?"

Trevor grins wide at my request and glances across the bed. "Ridge, come love her for a second while I shower, please."

"Gladly," Ridge rumbles and plasters himself to my back as Trevor stands to leave. I giggle and lift my head back to kiss the underside of his jaw. "I gotta ask, Nina girl, do you have a bellyache? The amount of candy wrappers..."

"Shhh," I hiss, glancing at Trev's retreating form.

Ridge laughs against my neck. "Neen, he walked in here first and cursed up a storm about nutrition. Your secret’s out, so be ready for days of veggies."

Like a child, I groan and hide my face in my blankets.

"Up. Go brush your teeth."

Scowling, I lift my head and glare at Kai. "I'm sleeping."

"Are not," he fires back. "It's two AM and your mom said you passed out mid-sentence. Go get ready for bed before Trev gets back so you can get all the snuggles."

His reasoning isn't all that great, but still I do as he suggests because this has been the greatest night in a long time. A large part of that was the chocolate my dad gave me and Mom at midnight.

What he did with my four guys downstairs into the wee hours of the morning, I have no idea, but gosh am I happy.

Happy .

The sugar didn't do that. My girls’ night with Mom where we released our biggest feelings and laughed hysterically since dinner time did that. Now Trevor strutting into my room in just a pair of boxers as soon as I'm done changing? Whew.

I'm tucked in by Henry, Kai, and Ridge as Trevor gathers me in his arms. Dozing off to declarations of love and wishes of sweet dreams will forever be my greatest standard.