Page 20

Chapter Twenty

Present Day

Saturday afternoon, the fire truck rolled back into the station after responding to a small kitchen fire. Ty had actually let AJ go out on the call, though she’d been under strict assignment. But it was a simple call since the fire was contained to the oven and the owners handled it properly.

She jumped out of her seat, and they all set their gear back up for the next call. Once everything was set, AJ went to the kitchen to get a snack.

“Hey, AJ.” Brennan nodded toward the window.

Logan stopped in front of the station and took off his helmet.

“What’s he doing here?”

Brennan quirked an eyebrow. “I was going to ask you that. Want me to tell him to get lost?”

“No!”

Brennan laughed. “That’s what I thought, but I remember …”

“I know. Thanks.” She squeezed his arm and darted out the door, slowing as she approached Logan.

He smiled tentatively at her.

“What are you doing here?”

“Just driving by, and I thought I’d check and make sure everything is all right.”

“I’m fine.”

“Adam called me and told me about yesterday.” Logan got off his bike and shoved his hands in his pockets.

She pressed her lips together.

“Are you scared this guy will get violent?”

She shrugged. “If I knew who it was, maybe.”

“Still think it’s Daryl?”

Another shrug, this time she hoped it covered her squirm at Logan mentioning Daryl’s name. “The rafting idea doesn’t feel like him. But he can be quite the jerk, so maybe it is.”

Logan shifted his feet. “Do you have to get back inside or are you free to talk for a few minutes?”

“We just returned from a call, so I have a few down minutes. What’s up?” They really were talking again, weren’t they? She tried to keep her excitement subdued, especially since she had no idea what he might want to talk about. “Something in particular you’re thinking?”

It was his turn to shrug. “Not really. Thanks for Thursday. It was good to be there with you.”

“Same.” Was it too soon to tell him she missed him? Probably.

They stood there, silent. Why was it so hard to talk to him, especially when that was all she wanted to do?

“How are you really doing, Logan?”

“Fine, I guess. Surviving.”

How she longed for him to thrive in life not just survive, but she understood. “I get that. You still love being a cop?”

He smiled. “I do.”

She wanted to dive into deeper conversation, but she wasn’t sure how.

“I’ve been thinking about taking the sergeant’s exam.”

“You’d be a great sergeant.”

Color rose in his cheeks. “Thanks. I’ve hesitated because nothing ever seems to go right. What if my past wrongs come back to bite me again?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, seeing Eric made me think about the fact we knew what happened and never reported it. Didn’t help that I read the verse in Leviticus the other day that said we were just as responsible.”

“We definitely were in the wrong, but what would that have to do with your job?”

“Hard not to put two and two together that God punished us for our … indiscretions by taking our daughter.”

AJ felt slammed with Logan’s words. “No. That’s not how that works. We confessed that sin, and Christ paid the price. Sin doesn’t need to be paid for more than once. Christ’s sacrifice was sufficient.”

“But consequences …”

“Are not punishments for sin, they are the natural workings. Bree died because she ventured too far and the water caught her. She died because we live in a fallen world.”

“I don’t need a sermon right now.”

She reached out and touched his arm. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to preach. But I’ve just wrestled with these very same thoughts.”

He did not rip his arm away like she thought he might. He looked down at her hand. “I want to believe what you’re saying.”

“You have to wrestle through it. Talk to Him about it.” She moved her hand from Logan’s arm and pointed heavenward.

He shifted around uncomfortably. AJ guessed he and God weren’t on the best of speaking terms right now. Jesus, take hold of Logan’s heart and help him work through this. Help him find forgiveness from You and extend it to me.

“If you’re so spiritually enlightened, answer me this: If God is sovereign, why’d our little girl die?”

“I don’t know. I can’t possibly know the answer to that. But I know He is sovereign, and I know nothing happens without His oversight. That doesn’t mean He orchestrated her death for anything. But I know He will work all things together for our good and His glory. No matter how much it sucks. He can use it to draw us closer to Him.”

Gah. She was preaching again. But Logan clearly needed to hear it.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to get heated. But I’m super passionate about this.”

He snorted a dry laugh. “I can tell.”

She shot him a cheesy grin. Silence fell between them.

“Too bad you came to all of this after you cheated on me.”

An arrow hit her heart. “That’s not fair.”

“Love and war.”

“No.”

“Why’d you run off and have sex with another guy then?”

She took a deep breath. “How many times do I have to apologize?”

“Until I understand.”

“No, until you forgive me. I’ve forgiven you.”

“Forgiven me? For what? You’re the one who—”

“For being a crappy husband. News flash, Logan, I was grieving too. I know I was an awful wife. I didn’t know how to help you through your grief because you wouldn’t talk to me. I needed you to be there occasionally, not burying your face in a stupid glass of whiskey. I needed a hug, Logan, a hug.”

He took a step back. “I couldn’t. Every time I looked at you all I could see was Bree.”

“Same. Every time I looked in your eyes it was hers staring back at me. But I was willing to face that. I needed to face it. And so did you.”

“She’s gone. And then so were you.”

“Only because you kicked me out and refused to work through any of it. The affair was long over, yet you couldn’t even look at me. Still all you do is look at me and think about that one act of indiscretion. I love you, Logan, not him. I was wrong. And I’ve owned up to it. Please, I beg you to forgive me. Let it go. See Bree in me again.”

He spun around and hopped back on his bike.

“Logan, please don’t leave.”

He started the motorcycle and peeled away.

AJ collapsed to the ground. What had just happened?

Logan sped the whole way home and whipped into his driveway, barely stopping soon enough in the carport not to hit the planters stacked in the back.

He kicked a random stone, then the stupid trash can, which was still a decent distance from the house. The bin was empty after this morning’s pickup and fell over.

A car drove by. “You all right, Logan?”

Miles. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Not in the mood, Miles. I’ll talk to you later.” Logan went straight for the front door and didn’t look back. AJ’s words were swimming in his head, and Miles wouldn’t understand the faith aspects he was wrestling with. If he wanted to talk, he needed to go to someone like Will or Caleb. Miles was a decent friend, but drinking was too tempting as it was.

He closed the door, locked it, then leaned back against it, sinking to the floor.

“Why, God? Why did you let all this happen? If it wasn’t to punish us, then why? I don’t get it. I know I’m not going to, but I want to. No, I want my little girl back. She’d practically be a young lady by now. But she’s not.”

Bree was gone.

AJ was gone.

“And AJ. I can’t get out of my head that that filthy excuse for a man put his hands on her, and she let him. How can I get over that?”

He shoved himself off the ground, snatched a pillow from the couch, and chucked it at the floor. He had so much pent-up energy. He wasn’t sure if he was more mad at AJ, God, or himself.

Crappy husband.

Had he actually driven her into Daryl’s arms? He leaned forward, resting his hands on his knees, sick to his stomach. He’d closed off to her so much. He’d been so afraid she blamed him for Bree’s death that he couldn’t look her in the face.

He felt so guilty that he couldn’t hold her, couldn’t think straight, couldn’t do anything but put one foot ahead. And at times that had felt like too much.

“God, is AJ right? Does my guilt not lie in letting my daughter drown, but in being a lousy husband, a selfish jerk?”

He righted himself and plodded to the kitchen.

The bottle of whiskey still sat on the kitchen table. He wanted to down the entire thing. Too bad it was already half gone.

Logan snatched a glass from the drain board and set it next to the bottle.

Rubbing his face, he yanked out a chair and plopped down.

“God, I’m here. Finally talking to her … and You. What do I do?”

AJ’s words echoed again. Forgive me.

“I don’t know how. What does it mean to actually forgive her? Pretend like it never happened? But she betrayed me. How do I forgive that? I don’t know how.”

He seized the whiskey and removed the lid. He poured the glass full.

Staring at the amber liquid, he swished it around, careful not to spill it on his hand. Drinking wasn’t the answer. But he wanted to continue to ignore the pain, the reality, the truth.

He needed to seek God.

He needed to pursue his wife.

He needed to accept Christ’s forgiveness and AJ’s.

He needed to forgive AJ.

More of her words bombarded his mind.

I needed you to be there occasionally, not burying your face in a stupid glass of whiskey.

He stopped the motion of the glass. No, he was done with this. If he kept drinking, nothing would change.

He stood and whipped the glass across the room, whiskey and all.