Page 39 of Beneath the Mountain Sky (McBride Brother Lumberjacks #1)
WILLOW
K illian squats in front of me, sliding his hands across my knees, stopping the left one from bouncing incessantly like it has been since the moment I sat in this chair.
He catches my eyes with his and holds my gaze, the crease between his brows deepening. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
Am I?
I chew on my bottom lip as I scan the McBride Timber office, over the concerned faces of Raven, Connor, Liam, Sheriff Briggs, and finally to the psychiatrist who drove up from Asheville.
He settles into the leather chair that normally sits behind Connor’s desk and now faces me in the center of the room while everyone else looks on, anxiously shifting weight, gazes darting around the room the same way mine is.
Everyone shares my nerves.
Raven appears ready to jump out of her skin, and we haven’t even started yet. I offer her a smile that I hope she buys, and she returns it, even though it doesn’t reach her green eyes.
Her gaze drifts to where Tony, Liam, and Connor lean against the far wall, trying to appear unaffected even as they avoid making direct eye contact.
They have reason to be worried.
This could go very badly.
It might not work.
Or it could work too well, and I might remember something that was better left buried.
But despite all my reservations about what I might find if we delve into this, I know I have to at least try everything at our disposal to get answers.
I lock my gaze with Killian’s and nod. “Yes.”
Dr. Bird offers me a tight smile over Killian’s shoulder. “And you’re sure you want to do this here, Ms. May? I always recommend it be somewhere quiet and comfortable.”
No one would ever accuse this office of being either.
With the forklifts and saws running across the massive lot right outside the window that overlooks it and the old furniture that’s likely been in this space since Killian’s father ran it—if not before—it’s probably the last place we should be attempting to delve into my forgotten memories.
But after last night, I’m more confident than ever that this is where I need to be.
“It has to be here.”
My gaze drifts to the maps along the wall that go back hundreds of years.
Hand-drawn by generations of McBrides who lived and breathed this mountain.
They knew it inside and out. Every tree.
Every branch. Every leaf. Each river, lake, and stream.
All the little nooks and crannies where something—or someone—might hide.
They aren’t just antiquated representations of what this mountain used to look like.
They’re important.
I don’t know why, but something tells me they hold the answers.
And I’m ready to find them, no matter what ugly truths they may contain.
Killian leans in to feather his lips over mine. “I’ll be right here the whole time.”
He slips around to stand behind me. I glance over my shoulder to find him leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest, his back stiff, jaw locked tight in preparation for what might happen.
Shit.
I should have anticipated his uneasiness.
He knows how badly my memories have traumatized me.
The fear they bring each time one breaks free from the abyss and lets loose in my head.
Killian understands the panic and agony I may suffer if this works.
And the thought of having to stand by and watch it is almost too much for him to bear—and we haven’t even started yet.
But with the search party going out tomorrow, we need as much information as we can get, and I’m the only one who has it.
The answers are there.
Locked away somewhere deep in my psyche.
We need to get them out.
I take a deep breath in through my nose and let it slip through my lips the way Killian directed me the other night, remembering how it felt to have his body pressed against my back. His hands resting on my chest and belly, directing each inhale and exhale.
The doctor settles and gives me a smile. “All right, let’s begin. I need everyone else in the room to be quiet, if you have to stay.”
Tony, Connor, and Liam all incline their heads toward him in recognition of his warning, while Raven scowls at him, annoyed that he would even suggest she might leave when he’s about to go digging in my head.
Dr. Bird releases a little sigh. “Fine.” He offers a genuine smile this time, one I’m sure is intended to put me at ease. But it will take a lot more than that to relax this tension from my body. “Willow, I need you to close your eyes, and we’ll begin.”
I can’t help but take one last look over my shoulder at Killian.
He offers me a soft smile that he reserves for me, one that shows all his love when no one else is around to witness it.
The fact that he’s looking at me like that and smiling that way with all these people in the room gives me the strength to turn away and let my eyes drift closed.
“I’m going to ask you to follow my directions to the best of your ability.” Dr. Bird’s gentle voice guides me. “Picture a safe place, somewhere that you’ve always felt comfortable, some place that feels like home. Somewhere you can relax and forget anything that bothers you.”
Immediately, I’m in the cabin and cocooned in Killian’s arms, curled up in his dad’s old leather recliner.
“Where were you?”
“In our cabin, with Killian in his favorite chair.”
“Good, Willow. What did it smell like?”
I take a deep breath, filling my lungs. “The logs smoldering in the fireplace. Leather, freshly cut wood, summer air. It smells like home. It smells like him .”
It washes over me like a warm breeze, flooding my mind as my body heats, my bouncing knee finally going still.
“Good, Willow. Hold on to that feeling, to that smell. Now, we’re going to focus on your breathing. Slowly breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, concentrating on allowing your lungs to fill fully, and then releasing all the air out of them.”
I do as he tells me.
That memory of Killian directing me the same way and the feel of him molded against me racing back to further help me relax into the voice’s instructions.
“In…Out. Slowly.”
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
The voice softens, words coming slower. “Now…hold it for a count of five.”
I do, keeping Killian’s scent deep in my chest.
“One… Two… Three… Four… Five… Now…release.”
It slides from between my lips in a long rush, taking with it some of the tension that’s been hardening my spine and aching in my shoulders.
“You’re in the cabin and relaxed. You’re breathing calmly.
You feel good. You feel safe. I’m not going to tamper with this memory or safe space in any way, shape, or form.
This is your happy place. Remember this feeling and bring it to your current moment and your memories.
Remember and relax. Breathe in, breathe out.
Keep the rhythm. And I want you to picture the Memorial Day Festival last year. Can you do that for me?”
My mind clicks over to that very vivid memory of watching Killian work on his carving of the bobcat. I feel my lips curl up into a smile. “Yes, I remember it.”
“Good. And you were happy, relaxed.”
I nod. “I was.”
“Good. Remember that feeling. Now, I want you to think about that evening after the festival. Do you remember that?”
Nodding, my cheeks heat, and I shift in the chair, pressing my legs together against the throb at the apex of my thighs. “Yes.”
“And where were you?”
Bent over the couch…
“In the cabin with Killian.”
“And you were happy, relaxed.”
I nod. “Yes.”
So, so happy…
The way he loved me that night. How thoroughly he took me and made me unravel. It would be impossible to ever forget.
“What about the following morning?”
No.
My brain tries to shut it down. Familiar inky blackness fills the space where the memory should be. Swirling around my head like a vicious tempest.
I squeeze my eyes closed tighter, fighting against the abyss.
That dull throb starts at my temples.
It slowly shifts from pitch black to dark gray, lightening.
A flash—setting dishes on the table.
Connor and Liam reaching to fill their plates a second time with satisfied grins.
“Yes, I remember breakfast.”
But I didn’t eat.
I wasn’t hungry.
I was excited.
Nervous.
“Good. And what happened after you ate breakfast?”
“I…”
A wall of darkness.
Nothing but onyx .
“I can’t see it.” My hands tighten on the arms of the chair, and my breathing picks up, my heart galloping. “I can’t see anything.”
That soothing voice drops lower. “We’re going to return to our safe place. We’re going to breathe in and out calmly.”
Yes.
That’s what I should do.
Killian’s voice, directing me to do the same, rings in my ears.
I center myself in the cabin. In Killian’s arms. His scent invading my breaths. The long, slow ones he wants me to take.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
“Good. You’re happy and safe. It’s the day after the festival. Do you remember your argument with Killian?”
I flinch.
But this time, it doesn’t take as long for the blackness to part so I see Killian’s face.
How terrified he was.
At the time, I didn’t realize what I was seeing was panic. Because Killian never panicked about anything in his entire life. It was an unknown feeling for him, something I couldn’t recognize because he didn’t recognize it himself.
I hear those words come out of his mouth.
The ones he told me he said.
This time, they ring in my ears like a resounding gong.
I feel the stab in my chest as if he’s driven his axe straight into it.
My stomach churns, and I gag like I’m going to throw up as he stalks out of the cabin and disappears into the woods.
“Y-y-yes…”
The arms of the chair creak as my fingers crank on them, my body tensing.
“Remember, you’re safe here, Willow. Keep breathing in and out. Slowly.”
I try to relax my grip and follow his command.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
A minute passes.
Another.
“What happened after Killian left?”
The memory comes easier this time, with barely a gray haze surrounding it.