Page 36 of Beneath the Mountain Sky (McBride Brother Lumberjacks #1)

If I had truly believed he meant what he said, I never would have turned around.

I would have left McBride Mountain—at least for a while—to think about my next steps.

But I doubt I could have stayed away forever.

Not when Raven is here. That’s what makes me even more certain I was on my way back.

Not the memory or the feeling deep in my soul that I didn’t give up on Killian, but the fact that the only people I love in this world are all here.

And I would never want to leave them.

Even if I couldn’t have forgiven Killian, I would have stayed for Raven. For all the other people in town whom I care for so deeply. Jenny and her kids, Claire, the Wilsons, Tony and Tonya, and everyone else who has been a part of my life.

No matter what, I wouldn’t have left McBride Mountain forever.

I push myself out of the chair, unable to sit anymore, and walk over to the wall containing various photographs of McBride Mountain and the timber yard over the years.

The one of Killian’s father draws my attention, even though I’ve seen it probably hundreds of times over the years.

He’s the spitting image of the man I love, standing next to a towering pine with the same axe that Killian still carries in his hand, ready to take it down with expert precision.

“Did Killian’s dad really do all the felling by hand?”

Connor follows my gaze and shrugs. “Back then, yeah. Mostly. The really advanced equipment didn’t come around until closer to when Killian was born.

Before then, they would hike in on foot to the more remote areas, fell everything by hand, break it down into manageable loads, and drag it down the mountain using chains and sledges. ”

I raise my brows at him. “Seriously?”

Prior to our hike over the last couple of days, I never gave much thought to how much work truly went into this business before the modern technology we take for granted today.

He nods and lowers his feet from the desk to make his way over.

Standing next to me, he points to another picture, this one of his mom.

“When Mom took over, she really pushed the advancements, putting money into it because she knew what the future was demanding. I don’t know that Killian’s father ever would have done it if he had lived.

He was kind of stuck in the old ways, believed it was always how it was done, so he should keep doing it that way—at least, that’s what Mom always said. ”

I can’t help but smile at the photo of the woman who was like a mother to me when mine couldn’t be—and the woman who did become one to Connor. It hangs right next to the picture of young Killian and his father. “Are you ever sad that you never met him?”

Connor looks over at me. “Who?”

“Killian’s father. I mean, he would have been your dad, too.”

The normally stoic middle McBride brother flinches slightly and then clears his throat. “Of course, but…” He shrugs. “I missed him by a couple of years.”

He gives me a sad smile and walks away, effectively ending the line of questioning, and I can’t say I blame him. His history must be as painful for him as my unknown year has become for me.

While only two years old when he was brought to Constance McBride, he was old enough that he might have memories of his biological parents.

The young couple knew they couldn’t care for him anymore and begged Connie to adopt him.

The moment she laid eyes on Connor, she couldn’t say no, and she never treated him any differently than she did Killian, her own blood.

Connor is a McBride, through and through, but it has to be a sore spot for him.

I shouldn’t have mentioned it.

The air thickens with tension between us, and Connor returns to his desk, absently flipping through a stack of papers on the top that he already spent hours going over earlier today.

I sit on the edge of Killian’s desk and swing my feet back and forth, examining the maps of the mountain that line the walls, created by various members of the McBride family over the years.

So much history.

So much tradition.

Something I never had. Something I always envied and wanted. Something I always thought I’d be a part of when Killian and I got married.

Our children would have inherited McBride Timber, along with any kids Connor or Liam ever have. But given Connor’s countenance, it seems lifelong bachelorhood would be more likely.

There’s only one person I’ve ever seen him react to in any way with any form of passion. And even though it isn’t the good kind of passion, since my return, it’s left me wondering what I missed when it comes to the two of them.

I glance over at Connor, debating whether I should even bring it up, but if I’m going to be stuck in here with him for a while, I can’t handle the awkward silence. “What’s your deal with Raven?”

Connor coughs, choking on the swig of coffee he just took, and pounds his chest to clear it. “What do you mean?”

“Why do you hate her so much?”

A dark brow wings up. “You’re joking, right?”

“No.”

“You said you read her articles…”

There wasn’t much else to do all those days I spent with her, just sitting in the bakery while she worked.

“Yeah, and?”

“They weren’t exactly very complimentary, were they?”

I bark out a laugh that carries through the small office. “I mean, no, but were any of them not true?”

He scowls at me.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. She’s just doing her civic duty. Keeping people informed.”

“Yeah, well, it feels more like stabbing everyone in the fucking back.”

Animosity taints each of his words.

He really hates her, and by the sounds of it, that is unlikely to change anytime soon.

“Please cut her some slack.”

Because it’s going to make my life very difficult if I’m going to have to referee those two constantly. It was bad before I left, but now, it’s completely untenable.

“I won’t.” He tilts his cup of coffee at me. “And you better be careful. You never know what she’ll print about you. Or Killian.”

As if on cue, the door swings open, and Killian steps in, his gaze sweeping the room and landing on me. The corners of his lips pull up. “You doin’ okay in here?”

He nudges the door closed with his booted foot and wipes his hands on his jeans, which are covered in sawdust.

I shrug. “I was just asking your brother why he hates Raven so much.”

Killian’s gaze cuts to Connor, and he smirks. “Oh, I’d love to hear this.”

Connor sneers at him. “Same reason you hate her.”

With an annoyed huff, Killian holds up his hands defensively. “I never said I hated her. I just…she isn’t my favorite person.”

I can’t fight a grin at his dodging the issue. Killian won’t let his issues with Raven interfere with us. “Who is?”

His gaze moves back to me, heating instantly. “Do I really need to answer that?”

That look tells me everything without him saying a word.

Hours spent tangled together in the sheets last night flash through my head—the kind of memories I want to obsess over instead of the ones that are tied to my missing year.

I push off the desk and move toward him, but he takes a retreating step.

“Honeybee, I’m sweaty and covered in sawdust at the moment.”

And looking sexy as hell.

I grin at him. “When has that ever stopped me before?”

The smile that splits his face would light up the room if it wasn’t the middle of the day already, and he pulls me up against him as Connor issues a gagging noise behind us and climbs to his feet.

“So, I see you two worked out everything, huh? I kinda figured after this morning…”

Killian kisses me hard, the smell of sweat and wood and the mountain enveloping me, then pulls away and looks at his brother. “We did. Though, I’m sure I’ll be making it up to her until the day I die.”

Connor nods. “Agreed.”

He stomps out and slams the door behind him, apparently relieved of his babysitting duties and none too soon.

Killian ignores his brother’s mood and kisses me again, holding me tightly to him and reminding me of all the strength and passion I love so much about him.

This morning rattled me almost as much as what happened last night and the painful nightmare did.

Killian’s belief that I was held against my will by someone on the mountain, likely someone we know, because they directed me to write those notes to Raven to draw off suspicion, is enough to almost make me wish I didn’t know.

And the way Killian is kissing me, it feels possible to completely forget everything around us for as long as we keep going.

But it can’t last forever.

When we finally come up for air, Killian brushes a strand of hair from my face. “What have you been doing in here all morning?”

“Spinning in your chair.”

He glances at it. “How’s that working out for you?”

I press my hand to my stomach. “It kind of made me nauseous.”

As soon as the words leave my lips, the feeling washes over me again, but it isn’t what happened this morning. It’s the memory of it again. Retching violently in the dirt. On my hands and knees…

“Oh, God…” I stagger slightly, my head spinning.

Killian’s strong arm keeps me upright. “Another memory?”

I squeeze my eyes closed. “I can’t keep going like this. These flashes don’t make any sense. It’s like having a quarter of a puzzle and none of the pieces fit together.”

He’s quiet for a moment, allowing me to get my bearings. “I had a thought about that…”

I force open my eyes to meet his. “What’s that?”

“What if…” He pauses as if he’s unsure what he’s about to suggest is an actual option. “What if we tried hypnosis?”

“What?”

“Tony actually brought it up yesterday when you and Raven went back into the cabin. He said that on those true crime documentaries he’s always watching, sometimes people undergo hypnosis to try to draw out memories of things they’ve buried deep down. What if you tried that?”

He raises a brow hopefully.

I wish I could share in that hope, but I’m torn between wanting the truth, wanting to know, and being terrified of what I’ll find there.

Fear is a horrible thing.

It’s easy to try to hide from anything that might cause it.

More comfortable only to focus on joy.

But ultimately, there’s just one decision I can make, no matter how painful it might be.

“I’d do anything to stop this, Killian, to get my memory back and know what happened to me.”

He nods slowly. “That’s what I thought. Tony’s working on getting a larger search party organized. It’ll take a day or two. In the meantime, I’ll find someone who can come up here and meet with you. Or we can go to Asheville, if we need to. Anything to make you whole again.”

Whole again.

For so long, that meant having Killian, being with him, and feeling this warmth that I always do when we’re here like this. And now that we’re back together, and after what happened last night, I should feel complete. Like things are the way they should be.

But I don’t.

It’s like a giant piece of me is missing.

A part that is somewhere on that mountain.

Something that all these pieces of memory are leading me to.