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Juri

From the moment I saw Luca, something inside me froze.

I wasn’t ready for him yet, but I couldn’t manage to leave the apartment.

I didn’t want to watch the film either, but I lacked the strength to assert myself.

When the fifteen minutes were up, I knew exactly what would come next.

He wanted my consent, and it overwhelmed me.

I stood by the window, deep in thought, with a heavy feeling in my chest.

I felt like I was suffocating. My heart raced, and I tried somehow to gather my thoughts. Of course, the film had stirred up plenty of memories within me. They now surged up like a volcano. I didn’t know what would happen if it erupted, but it terrified me.

Damn, why can’t I just switch it off?

I had mastered the art of detaching my mind from my body.

I had practiced and perfected it for years.

I was able to dismiss the incident so confidently.

But now, everything came crashing down on me as if nothing had been resolved.

Never had I felt so close to my body. I felt the icy coldness, the hairs on my body standing up, blood rushing thunderously through my head, and an uncomfortable pulling sensation in my stomach.

I pressed my knuckles against my lips as if that could counteract it, but instead, tears welled up in my eyes.

How pathetic.

As if that wasn’t enough, Luca had spread like a virus inside me, tearing down all my walls.

The film served as a mirror, reflecting aspects of myself I had momentarily forgotten amidst the excitement of the past week spent working with Alex, a time so new and exhilarating that I had lost sight of my true self.

Fifteen minutes had been enough to remind me.

And I felt ashamed of it. Shame was bad. I could cope with a lot of things. Humiliation. Pain. Hunger. But I couldn’t fight against shame. Only …

A thought shot through my mind like lightning.

Screw being clean.

It hadn’t even been a week since I had made a promise to Alex.

I had even been to a group session once with Noé.

But everything was becoming too much for me.

I just wanted to go home and get high. Thankfully, Romero was my neighbor.

And if he was out, I would call Clé. Just as I gave in and turned around, the door opened and Luca walked in.

Shit …

I scowled and turned away from him again; it was impossible for me to put on an indifferent expression. I still felt like I was suffocating and gasped for air once.

“You’re trembling,” Luca said softly. He stood a few steps behind me and apparently didn’t dare to come closer.

“Can’t you leave?”

“No, I can’t.”

I snickered. “Of course. You’re here because you want my consent.”

“That’s not true. I’m here because of you.”

“Haven’t I inspired you enough?” My gaze wandered over the rooftops of Zurich, and I sighed silently.

“You said you have feelings for me.”

I rubbed my forehead, my breaths coming in halting gasps. “Just forget it.”

“I can’t,” he said. “I’ve delved into the material I had from you for two weeks and edited this film, only to realize in the end that I’ve been fooling myself.

None of these recordings can replace you.

I miss you. And it’s driving me crazy. You’ve filled a void in my life that I didn’t even know existed.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. Please, Juri. Give me a chance.”

A tear trickled down my cheek, which I wiped away.

Luca’s words hurt because they made me acknowledge that I still had feelings for him.

As if to counteract that realization, I straightened my shoulders and observed the vast sky.

Above, a raven soared through the rooftops toward the city center, and dusk had set in.

A huge lump in my throat formed, and I couldn’t bring myself to say a word.

“Please. Tell me what you need. What can I do?” Luca’s voice became more pleading, and I could hear his footsteps slowly approaching me.

Like a robot, I turned around. He stood two steps away from me, gazing at me hopefully.

“You,” I murmured in a faint voice. “You’re tearing me apart. Making me weak. You’ve shattered all my defenses. And here I am now. Pathetic and miserable! I’m nothing! And this film has just shown me that.”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh, come on!” I snapped. “You saw me with a client and probably wondered what Walter does to me, while …” My voice broke off as I was overwhelmed by the incident from the day after.

“While he’s … nice.” Everything became too much for me.

I trembled and could barely stand on my feet.

Memories flooded my mind, nearly knocking me over.

It felt like being trapped in a fierce storm.

Determined, I focused on the ground and tried to endure it.

“Noé told me what happened,” Luca’s voice was no more than a whisper now as he took a step closer. “Of course, not in detail, but … believe me … I don’t care how many Walters you had sex with. If you tell me who did this to you, I would even go back to prison for you.”

I shut my eyes. “Since when are you a romantic?” But then his words made me pause, and I lifted my gaze. “What do you mean by ’go back’?”

Luca scrunched his forehead, and a sense of remorse filled his eyes. “Of course,” he said softly. “You know next to nothing about me.”

I swallowed. And yet, I had fallen in love with him.

“As you know, I was bullied for years. It was a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.”

Everything inside me tensed up. My heart skipped a beat. My breath stopped. A freezing coldness covered my skin. Yes, I knew what he was talking about.

“At any rate … One day, Jér?me—a classmate who had constantly bullied me—found me on the roof of the school. Over the years, that had become my refuge, where I hid and had my peace. He had ambushed me and threatened to tell everyone. Samir, Cédric, Armando, and Ben. There was hardly a day when I wasn’t tormented by one of them.

Jér?me began to hit me, shoving me to the ground before delivering kicks to my stomach.

Then, with his phone in hand, he filmed my distress, laughing loudly.

Such treatment wasn't new to me, but the fact that it happened in my safe space ruined my sense of security, changing everything in an instant.”

Luca pursed his lips and shook his head in disbelief, clearly disturbed by what had happened next.

“Did you get angry?” I asked cautiously.

“Yes,” he answered, nodding. “It’s not like I hadn’t gotten angry before.

I had always tried to defend myself somehow.

But at that moment, all the floodgates burst open.

I felt a surge of rage that I hadn’t thought possible.

Something in my head shut down, and all I saw was red.

I freed myself and jumped up to go after Jér?me, pushing him back further.

His laughter crescendoed, mocking me. Blind with years of pent-up rage, I seethed.

Out of nowhere, he brandished a knife, whirling me around until I crashed into the low railing.

As I struggled to regain my footing, he pressed the blade against my throat.

“Throughout the years, he had threatened to kill me repeatedly, and I sensed he would follow through with his threat. He pulled me back up and ordered me to jump. Of course, I refused and tried to pass by him, but he blocked my way. Without warning, he grabbed me and spun me around once more. I instinctively shifted my weight and pushed him away. In doing so, he stumbled over the railing and lost his balance. Since he still held the knife in one hand, he couldn’t hold onto me in time.

And I was just relieved that he finally let go of me. ”

Luca stared blankly into space and shook his head. “I pushed him off the roof. He fell five stories and landed with his head on the asphalt.”

I swallowed and stared at Luca with my mouth open.

Shit … And he’s telling me this now?

“Were you …” My voice became scratchy, so I cleared my throat. “Were you in prison?”

“That was six years ago. I was seventeen. Back then, there were no facilities for juveniles, so they put me in pretrial detention with the adults. I was only there for three months. Due to the years of abuse and the injuries Jér?me inflicted on me on the roof, it was deemed self-defense. Of course, I had to undergo therapy afterward. Dario became my social worker. Through him, I got into martial arts.”

Luca’s face twisted with sadness. “You picked a murderer, Juri. Someone who doesn’t deserve love.”

I gasped for air in disbelief. “Are you serious?”

Luca’s smile was gentle as he shrugged. “At least, I thought so for a long time. I was told for years that I didn’t deserve love.

Over and over again. And after that incident on the roof, I knew it was true.

Who would want someone like me? I was already weird enough.

And with my history in tow … No chance.”

After a moment of silence, he continued.

“It was never my intent to inflict harm upon you, yet there you were, sitting in the hospital … because of me! With a broken foot and hand. I knew you weren’t Jér?me.

But you were an opportunity for me—a chance to right the wrongs of the past, to mend something long shattered.

It was never my intention to cause you more pain.

I wanted to help you and cleanse my karma with that.

But then I truly got to know you. Damn it, Juri!

You had to storm out of my apartment and leave me with film fragments until I finally got it.

It was so obvious. It’s you. You’re the person I want to be with.

I love you. I’m not here because of the film or because of your consent, but only because of you.

I couldn’t bear not knowing anymore. And then I find out what happened to you.

I mean it! If you tell me where those guys are, I’ll kill them. ”