Page 22

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Juri

I sat at the breakfast table, watching Luca absentmindedly stir his coffee with his spoon for what felt like five minutes, completely lost in thought as he stared into the creamy liquid.

Strangely enough, his inattentiveness suited me fine, as the excessive attention he had given me last night was overwhelming.

Plus, everything hurt, and I was struggling to eat a piece of toast just to have something in my stomach before taking the painkillers.

The doctor was right. My head was pounding, and it wasn’t because of the whiskey colas from yesterday. When I had checked my torso in the bathroom, it wasn’t surprising to find dark bruises where it felt like a rib was sticking out.

Luca’s state of mind worried me a bit. He seemed so withdrawn, as if the events of last night had drained him. By now, I was certain that interacting with strangers exhausted him. Perhaps it was because he put so much effort into being polite. He generally seemed more relaxed in my presence.

“And what are you going to do now?” I ventured to ask, feeling certain he was back to working on the concept his mentor had rejected. “What’s next?”

“Fuck … I have no idea,” he finally said. “She said I could contact her anytime if I needed something. We even scheduled another meeting shortly before the semester starts.”

“That’s good, isn’t it?”

“No idea.”

He let go of the spoon and sighed. Damn! It had only been a few days since we had jerked off together. And now I was sitting here with him at the table, and he was acting like none of that ever happened. I tried not to stare at him.

Why does he have to be so hot?

It’s not like I have zero experience with guys my age, but Noé has always been like a brother to me.

And Clé and Sandro are into women, so that’s different.

But Luca completely confuses me. I wouldn’t have expected him to care for me in such a—damn, there was no other word for it—loving way.

It never occurred to me to call him when I needed to go to the bathroom at night.

However, it seemed he didn’t sleep enough, because as I managed to rise early in the morning, using the chair for support, he suddenly stood beside me.

“I’ll help you,” he had said, pushing the chair aside and supporting me.

Of course, the first weird moment happened in the bathroom, when he stood there for a moment not knowing what to do.

I told him I could handle myself, and he had smiled at me in such a sweet way that even my stone heart softened.

After that, he helped me back to bed and I slept for a few more hours.

As noon approached, sunlight flooded the room, accompanied by faint noises emanating from Sara’s room.

“Want another coffee?” Luca asked, probably trying to distract himself from his tormenting thoughts.

“No, thanks.”

I sat by the window, staring at the roofs and rooftop terraces of the Niederdorf and wondering what the apartment here must cost. Compared to mine in the Erotic World, this one was like a palace.

The kitchen alone was as big as my bedroom.

And the storage room with the washer and dryer was as big as my kitchen.

Out of pure habit, when I went to pick up my cup with my left hand and flinched in pain, I accidentally knocked over an empty water glass. Ten minutes ago, I dropped the knife on the floor because I thought I could spread the toast myself.

“Fuck!”

“It’s okay,” Luca said, picking up the glass.

“I feel so damn clumsy. That’s not like me at all.”

“Nice to know it’s not just me,” he said, smiling.

I remembered how he dropped his keys and cigarettes on the floor when he left the café and almost stumbled over the threshold. Now that I knew him a little better, I had to admit, his clumsiness was cute.

But it didn’t change the anger I had toward myself. I had sworn never to feel so helpless and vulnerable again, but here I was. Turned into a cripple who could barely go to the bathroom alone. I didn’t even want to imagine how I was supposed to wash myself.

“Well, I’ll get going then,” Sara said, throwing her bag on the couch and filling up a water bottle in the kitchen.

She was younger than Luca but acted like she was taking care of him like a big sister.

Luca was rather reserved toward her, which didn’t surprise me.

She seemed petty wise for her age. When I found out that she was studying psychology, I felt uneasy around her, regardless of how nice she might be.

I was glad she was leaving, because even though she seemed interested in getting to know me, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that she was also suspicious of me.

“Take care of yourself,” she said to Luca as she hugged him goodbye.

He only held on briefly—out of pure politeness.

When she left the apartment, I breathed a sigh of relief. Just thirteen more days, then I would get the walking boot. Maybe then I could start working again.

It’s not like I had money problems. With my hourly wage, I could make a decent monthly income with just a few hours of work.

I saved most of the money. The fear of becoming obsolete one day loomed large.

I didn’t have an apprenticeship lined up, and each passing hour seemed to bring me closer to my perceived expiration date despite being seven years away from thirty.

I should use the holidays to find an apprenticeship , I thought as Luca poured himself another coffee. Or … what about online sex chats? Maybe I can earn something on the side while I’m stuck here. Still better than doing nothing .

Of course, work was a distraction from my misery.

My sprained hand or twisted ankle weren’t the problem, but the nightmares that would soon haunt me and all the bad memories circling above me like vultures.

I knew they would come looking for me, and not even this fancy apartment would stop them from finding me.

In my job as a callboy, I had many shitty encounters, but what lurked at night was the horror that my old man had brought home to me. Just because I couldn’t distract myself with false love, it was even more important to have something to bridge the days ahead.

Oh yes, I have to check out this online chat thing. I’m hoping Luca won’t feel obligated to babysit me around the clock like a lapdog .

“We’re having an early Christmas,” he said, sitting down with another fresh cup at the table.

He looked cute in his gray hoodie, still sleepy-eyed with disheveled hair. I noticed that his hairline was starting to show, but that didn’t make him any less attractive with his dark brows.

“We’re celebrating tomorrow, on the twenty-third, because my brother is flying to Thailand the day after tomorrow. And on Saturday, the twenty-fourth, I’ll be working at Exil.”

“Are you celebrating at your parents’ place?”

“Yeah. Do you … uh … want to come along?”

I glanced up in surprise. Does he really want that? It felt more like he was asking out of pure politeness. “What? No! For heaven’s sake!”

Luca smiled, poured some milk into his coffee, and started stirring again. I had to admit, it was somewhat meditative.

“I just thought … Because you don’t have anyone else.”

“It’s okay,” I muttered.

“How have you spent past Christmases?”

With Noé, but now he’s being taken care of. “I don’t care about Christmas. So don’t worry about it.”

Luca set aside the spoon and took a sip of coffee. “I could cook tonight,” he said, setting his cup back down.

“Hm …”

“Do you eat everything? Or do you have any allergies?”

“I’m allergic to pork,” I replied.

“Like, really allergic, or just because you can’t stand it?”

“Really allergic. Even if you take the ham off the pizza, it still closes up my throat and I choke.”

“Oh, okay, then … no pork.”

Luca grinned, but it was hard for me to laugh about it. Because what came next seemed like a much bigger problem than me having a pork allergy in the kitchen.

“What’s wrong?” Luca noticed everything.

“I’d like to take a shower,” I said hesitantly. “But I have no idea how I’m going to manage that alone.”

Luca’s features softened. “There’s another bathroom. One with a bathtub. That might be easier for you. And of course, I’ll help you.”

I’m so screwed , I thought, and forced myself to nod.