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Juri

“I’ll kill you, you useless piece of shit! I’ve had enough for good now!”

A blow sent me crashing to the ground, followed by a kick to the stomach that left me gasping and doubled over in agony.

“How dare you steal from me? I told you, no food for four days!”

Another kick to the stomach made me retch, but my stomach was already empty.

The meager bit of tomato sauce I had managed to sneak while washing dishes was long gone.

I coughed and spat bile, unable to control the violent reaction.

When a droplet landed on his pants, he yanked me up by the hair, smashing my head against the wall before tightening his grip around my throat, cutting off my breath.

I was dreadfully weak. Three days without food had left me depleted. Through half-open eyes, I gazed at my father, the warmth of blood trickling down my temples, struggling for air. His face contorted with rage, he slapped me once more, his hands still wrapped around my throat.

Inside my head, screams echoed, but only feeble gasps escaped my lips. The pulse pounded in my head like a ticking bomb ready to detonate at any moment.

Suddenly, my father was torn away from me, disappearing into thin air. In his place knelt another figure, smiling down at me.

Luca.

I woke up drenched in sweat. It was only five o’clock according to my phone, and I hadn’t been out for long.

The recurrence of this dream gave me pause, especially since Luca was now a part of it.

For the past week, I’d been haunted by the same nightmare, my father looming over me like a malevolent specter, punishing me for my defiance.

And now, Luca was in these visions, leaving me perplexed.

While it was comforting to think of Luca as my protector, the nagging voice in the back of my mind refused to be silenced.

No one’s coming to your rescue. You’ve got to fend for yourself.

Will that ever get that?

I sat up and rubbed my face, surprised by how being choked during sex or using choking games to calm myself down aroused me. Something must have shifted in my mind because being choked in my dream was still pure horror.

Somehow, I was relieved Luca wasn’t here right now. He’d probably switch on the recorder again and grill me. The smile that flitted across my face because of that made it official: I was in love with him—and hopelessly lost.

And that, even though I hardly knew anything about him.

Even when I woke up from the self-strangulation nearly two weeks ago and he appeared devastated beside me, he managed to deflect from himself and avoid my question.

I could guess that the reason he was so messed up probably had to do with his past. It was okay if he didn’t want to talk about it.

Everyone had their limits. But the conversations with him had made me more relaxed over the past few days, and Luca now knew a lot about me.

Maybe there would come a time when he trusted me as much as I trusted him.

Wait. What?

I shook my head incredulously. Yes, I had to admit, Luca gained my trust. But how?

Was it the many conversations? When we initially started, the questions were still reserved, but something had changed since that day nearly two weeks ago.

Luca’s questions had become more explicit.

He had dug deeper and deeper. At first, it had irritated me a lot, so I refused to answer, but throughout our many conversations, I learned to look at certain things from a distance.

Just thinking about Luca stirred something in me. His body was so hot. And the sex we just had was on a different level. There was so much more between us. The way he looked at me, kissed me tenderly, and touched me as if I were precious. I had never experienced anything like it.

For a week, my thoughts had been going crazy.

Luca did something to me. He made me stronger, more confident, even more hopeful.

And yet there was this dark cloud hanging over me.

I knew the time here was like a fairy tale that would eventually end.

The many rejections in my mailbox confirmed that.

It was already mid-January. The fact was, if something didn’t happen soon, I could forget about getting an apprenticeship for this year.

Maybe I should think about starting somewhere for an internship salary. It wouldn’t pay all the bills yet, but it would be worth a try.

But as what?

I wasn’t suited for an office job, that much was clear.

And working in a shop was not my thing either.

I had even thought about switching to service like Luca, behind a bar or in a café, but that didn’t seem right to me either.

I wanted to do something manual. Something where I could move and be creative in some way. Mixing drinks wasn’t enough for me.

Argh! Get off your high horse again! As if you have a choice!

I got dressed, went to the bathroom, and drank a glass of water in the kitchen.

Seeing Luca's bedroom door closed, I assumed he was probably engrossed in working on his film project. Since I hadn’t asked in a while, I didn’t know the current status, so I went over and quietly opened the door.

I didn’t want to disturb him, yet the desire to see him, to feel his warmth, pulled me in like a magnet. I entered the room quietly.

He sat with his back to the door at his desk and didn’t notice me. A movie was playing on the large curved monitor in front of him. He clicked the mouse and appeared to be editing a video. I was about to say something when he clicked Play and the movie started.

“My first client approached me on Langstrasse. I was out with friends. They were in the bar, and I was outside smoking. That’s when this guy started talking to me.

He offered me fifty bucks if he could blow me.

I could have told him I wasn’t a hustler, but I was curious.

Besides, I had nothing to lose. So I went with him. ”

A chill ran down my spine, leaving me frozen in place.

He had been recording me the entire time, even during our first interview.

The screen showed me tapping a cigarette over an ashtray and bringing it back to my lips.

My arm and a fragment of my chin were visible, yet it was enough to send my pulse skyrocketing.

I exhaled loudly, taking a step back, feeling paralyzed. My skin felt ablaze, my lungs constricted. The room spun around me, and I desperately needed something to hold onto. Instead, I stood motionless in the center of the room, mouth agape, completely immobilized.

Luca swiveled around on the chair to meet my gaze, his expression revealing his awareness of his mistake. He remained seated, eyes wide, staring at me. Several times, he attempted to speak, but the words seemed to elude him.

Gradually, I came back to myself and took a deep breath.

“You filmed me.” At that moment, I didn’t even know if it was an accusation or just a statement.

Dumbfounded, I ran my hand through my hair and tried again.

“You filmed me.” I wanted to express my anger this time, but it was overshadowed by a disappointment that left me feeling empty.

I tried to control my emotions, to figure out which one was appropriate for this moment, but a storm raged in my head.

And it was driven by my pounding heart. The blood roared through my ears loudly, and I only saw Luca moving his mouth. I couldn’t hear anything anymore.

How can you be so stupid and trust the guy! It’s obvious something like this would happen! So get moving already!

I summoned the strength to push aside the warmth and hurt feelings, adopting the cool and aloof demeanor I knew how to handle. A chill settled in my chest, freezing every emotion into ice, and my expression hardened.

“How could you?” I hissed accusingly.

Immediately, he stood up and took two steps toward me. “Please, I’m sorry, but I never directly filmed you. It was audio recordings.”

Meanwhile, the movie continued behind him. It showed me leaning forward slightly and reaching for the cigarettes. My face was clearly recognizable.

“And what’s this?” I exclaimed.

“I’ll cut that out!”

I shook my head, losing all control over my facial expressions. “I should have known you wouldn’t stick to the agreement. I was so stupid!”

“Please, Juri! These are just audio recordings.”

“No! They’re not!”

My own voice in the recording almost managed to crumble the thick wall that was preventing me from falling apart. Luca rushed to the keyboard and paused the clip. Then he turned back to me and grimaced.

“I thought, I …”

“Shut up! I don’t want to hear it,” I growled and left the room.

“Wait! We should talk about this.”

“So you can record it?” I snapped at him. “No! I’ve talked enough!”

“I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You did a great job! What a fool I was! To think that what we had between us was something unique. But thanks! That makes it much easier for me to throw away the feelings I have for you and end this whole farce.”

With those words, an inner voice screamed in pain. I wouldn’t just shrug off the past few weeks, but since there was no other way for me, it was good that it ended this way. I stormed into my room and grabbed my bag from the closet, stuffing all my belongings into it.

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like?” I zipped up the bag. “I’m outta here!”

“But …”

“Save it!”

“But … feelings? For me?”

Either he was a great actor, or he was a huge idiot who was genuinely surprised by this unexpected turn of events.

Either way, I was done. With my bag slung over my shoulder, I tucked the pillow under my arm and pushed past him.

In the living room, I reached for my laptop and headed toward the coat rack.

“Juri. Where are you going?”

“Where do you think?”

Luca seemed completely taken aback and couldn’t keep up at all. Filming me without my consent felt like he had ripped out my heart and stomped on it. He had deceived me, leaving me feeling foolish and betrayed.

How could I even allow myself to harbor such feelings for him?

It was obvious that they weren’t genuine.

Perhaps mine were, but the notion of someone accepting me on my terms seemed nothing more than wishful thinking.

Anger toward myself surged so fiercely that I struggled to breathe.

Despite the urge to scream, I gritted my teeth and dropped the items I was carrying to tie my shoes.

“You have feelings for me?” Luca asked beside me. “Are you … in love with me? That’s absurd. Nobody falls in love with me.”

“I just figured out what a big idiot I am, didn’t I!” I exclaimed, straightening up. I longed to return to my former life, where I was the one pretending to everyone. At least then, I knew how to navigate it all.

“But we’ve been having a good time together.”

“Why did you even bring me here? You could’ve not cared what happened to me!” I gave him five seconds, hoping for an answer, but all he did was grimace, so I slipped into my coat and turned away.

“Please, Juri. Don’t go. We can …”

“Shit, man!” I said coldly and grabbed my stuff. “I don’t even know why I spend time with you. You’re not even a paying customer.” My own words felt like a spear in my chest. Before I shattered into a thousand pieces, I threw open the door and got on the elevator.

Luca followed me but always kept a three-feet distance. There was an expression on his face that I had never seen before. Incomprehension? Fear? Sadness? Panic?

“Pay you?” His voice sounded weak, fragile, and confused. “Juri.”

I stormed inside the elevator once the doors opened. Unable to look at Luca’s vulnerable expression any longer, I lowered my gaze. Fuck!

The doors closed and during the dead seconds in the brightly lit space, I felt immobilized.

A throbbing sensation spread through my body, and I clenched my teeth in fury as I clutched my pillow.

Once the doors opened, I rushed out. Outside, a cool wind greeted me as I made my way along the street toward Central Station, attempting to focus on my destination.

However, the recent events swelled inside me until I could no longer ignore them, compelling me to stop.

“Shit!”

Clenching my fists, I tried to suppress the rising tears.

Get rid of these pathetic thoughts. After all, it’s all foreseeable. You let yourself be fooled by him. He’s been pretending all along to get the recordings. He just used you. Nothing more.

I pressed the pillow to my face and screamed.

“Fuck!”

Then I kept going.