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Luca

Even after four days, I was still in shock.

Deep down, I knew my lie could have serious consequences.

Damn! I even ruined the trial evening at Safari Bar.

It didn’t help to keep telling myself that what happened between Juri and me was just for fun, nothing more than a pastime.

I just couldn’t forget his face. The pain I saw in it was so heart-wrenching that it still sent chills down my spine.

I never expected it could hurt him so deeply.

He always seemed so strong and invulnerable to me.

However, I had to admit that he had changed slightly in the last few days. He had become more accessible and gradually showed me more of his warm side. He had it, even if he might not have been aware of it. It was delicate and gentle. Sometimes so overwhelming that it took my breath away.

Hector’s advice truly helped me get to know Juri better.

And yes, I had recorded everything from the very beginning.

As a film student, it was unthinkable for me to record just audio.

To tell a story, I needed visuals. But it was never my intention to show his face or make him recognizable.

His hand movements alone spoke volumes. But what could I do?

Apologizing wasn’t enough. With this action, I had destroyed something deeper.

I still heard Juri’s words in my ears. “… the feelings I have for you.”

Shit …

Those words kept spinning in the back of my mind incessantly. Did Juri actually have feelings for me? That can’t be. Who would ever fall in love with me? Completely absurd! He probably just said that to get back at me.

The way he had looked at me with his cold eyes made me shudder again.

It’s impossible that he fell in love with me.

That’s out of the question.

He was a master at pretending—to all his clients. His accusation of me not paying was hurtful, but I couldn’t blame him and felt guilty.

“Focus, Luca!” Dario chastised. “You’re up next.”

I shook off thoughts of Juri and turned my attention to the ongoing fight, where Vasily showcased his powerful right hand against his opponent.

The competition took place in a gym and attracted an incredible amount of audience.

Although I had been pestering Dario for weeks to let me fight again, I would have preferred to be anywhere else right now.

It was clearly too crowded here. Too many people. Too many kids. Too much noise.

Focus on the fight , I tried to tell myself, but it was no use. My thoughts kept drifting to Juri. Since he stormed out of the apartment last Tuesday, I struggled to explain to myself what had happened. And why it had ended so abruptly. It. Whatever that was.

It was nothing! We were just having fun together. Nothing more.

Outside, the rain poured down, and the dark gray sky cast a gloomy atmosphere over the hall.

It had never been so dark the whole week.

My dreary mood matched the weather perfectly, and I would have preferred to crawl back home.

Instead, I forced myself to dance around, keep my body warm, and prepare my muscles for the fight with dry exercises.

Dario was shouting tips to Vasily, which was completely unnecessary. The guy was like a machine and hardly let his opponent land a hit.

Since Dario accused me of wearing blinders in life, I had watched Vasily a few times during training. In a way, we were very similar. Dario was the only one he talked to; no one else interested him. Vasily was as much of a lone wolf as I was.

Was I still like that?

Over four weeks had passed since I brought Juri home with me. Plagued by guilt and hoping to make it right this way. Juri wasn’t Jér?me, that much was clear to me. And yet, I saw in him a chance for redemption. Helping Juri was a way to cleanse my karma.

And now he was gone.

Over the past few days, I tried to enjoy the peace at home before Sara returned.

But since Juri left, something was missing.

Everywhere. At the dining table, in the living room, in the bathroom.

I caught myself going into his room as if I were looking for him, but all that was left to see was a peculiar painting on the wall and the emptiness Juri had left behind.

To this day, it was a mystery to me how he managed to pack all his stuff and disappear in less than five minutes. I wasn’t even prepared for the time with him to end so abruptly, especially with a bang and negative energy.

I thought I’d give him some time to calm down. I was sure he would contact me again during the week, but today was Saturday, and although I tried to reach him several times, he hadn’t reached out yet.

The bell rang, and the fight was over. Vasily won, of course.

That meant if I made it to the next round, I would face him.

That was doable. I had trained hard and done everything Dario recommended me to do, including maintaining my weight.

I felt great until Tuesday. After that, everything went downhill.

“Everything okay?” Dario asked, patting me on the back. “Are you ready?”

I nodded. He handed me a water bottle, and I took a sip.

My nervousness gradually increased. But that was good.

It meant I was finally focusing on what was important.

When my name was called, Dario accompanied me to the ring.

I climbed the stairs made of chairs, slipped between the ropes, and entered the ring.

“Focus,” Dario said. “And stick to the rules! Not like last time.”

I opened my mouth and had the mouthguard put in, then I nodded. Something like last time definitely wouldn’t happen again. My opponent was one of the guys who had bullied me for years. No wonder I snapped.

I didn’t know the guy standing in the other corner now. He had a similar build to mine, which was no big surprise. In kickboxing, the weight classes were closely divided.

The guy didn’t scare me, but I felt an urge to disappear from the ring. To my own surprise, three rounds of three minutes seemed unbearably long to me. I’d much rather sort things out between Juri and me.

Focus! I scolded myself. Besides, I knew from the beginning that the affair between us would come to an end. Remember why you’re here!

I had trained for so many hours with Dario to face the shadows of my past. He had taught me that I didn’t have to be a victim anymore and I could fight. And that’s what I wanted to do right now.

I organized my thoughts, nodded as the referee asked if we understood everything, and touched gloves with my opponent. Then it was time, and the fight began.

Without hesitation, I attacked, hitting my opponent with a few boxing punches and ending the attack with a back kick.

In my corner, I heard Dario shout approvingly.

His reassurance felt good, and I continued my offensive.

But as I struck, I was shocked at how much my opponent could take.

Sure, he blocked my attacks as best he could, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was playing for time—which made even less sense to me.

The first round was over quickly, and I returned to my corner. Dario removed my mouthguard and held up the water bottle. I took two sips while panting heavily.

“That was good. You’re ahead on points,” my coach praised me. “But make sure you don’t overexert yourself.”

“I don’t want to underestimate him.”

“Of course not. I also have a feeling that you’ll need your strength.”

Once the one-minute break ended, I retreated to the center of the ring, but Juri came to my mind again. I thought about the day he came to the studio to take pictures, which had been a great day. I enjoyed every minute of it and every time we were together. His presence alone was beautiful.

The fight began once again, and my opponent was like a different person.

As if he had used the first round to check out my weaknesses, he attacked me in the most aggressive way.

I was still busy blocking his fades when his shin came at me.

Luckily, I noticed it in time and managed to turn away, because that Tornado Flip would have sent me to the mat.

Dammit!

I collected myself and refocused on my opponent. But I couldn’t get out of the defensive anymore and felt like time was standing still.

Just like with Juri. The four weeks felt so long. Did he really stay with me for a whole month?

“Get moving, Luca!” Dario shouted from somewhere far away.

Suddenly, a back kick hit me on the side. Before I could catch my breath, my opponent followed up with another one. I staggered and gasped.

Damn!

At least I was still standing. I backed away and regained my composure.

But as soon as I was back to my senses, my thoughts drifted again.

To Juri and his incredibly soft lips. As a consequence, I received a left hook.

Instead of seeing stars, all I could see were Juri’s mesmerizing moss-green eyes.

Lost in thought, my opponent struck me with a right hook.

“How many punches do you need?” Dario yelled from the corner. “Get your guard up already!”

Fuck! Yes, of course! My guard!

Then it dawned on me. How could I have been so blind? Juri had crept into my mind, making it impossible to concentrate on even the smallest things. He was everywhere, clinging to me like a tick—except he vanished on his own, too quickly for me to understand what was happening.

He consumed me!

Why doesn’t he give me a chance to explain?

Fuck! Yes! I miss him!

And for that thought, I got knocked out.

***

I sat at home in front of the computer in the evening, with a cold pack wrapped in a towel, watching the last recording I had made of Juri as he described his experiences of being beaten.

“There were kicks, punches … Sometimes he used the belt … Almost every day. Except … he locked me up.”

“He locked you up?”

“Yeah, for up to three days. And when he found out I was hoarding food in my room, he kicked me until I threw up.”