ASAP

On Friday, I head over to Joah to bring my mother her favorite pair of shoes. They’re an old pair of champagne-colored pumps with worn heels, which don’t even fit her properly, but they had belonged to her mother. She’d worn them on her wedding day, and now she wants to wear them tomorrow at the EBC Awards, when she accepts the Trailblazer Award in front of all her peers. Ajumma had wrapped the shoebox carefully in a bojagi, folding the silk wrapping end over end. I cradle the shoebox in my lap on the bus ride over, as if I’m carrying something precious, because I am.

In my mother’s office, I place the package on her desk, then I raise the blinds to let in the light. Down below, a few fans linger outside the building, taking photos with the Joah Entertainment sign. The new building under construction is even more impressive, with a café that will be open to the public on the weekends and a museum and gift shop.

My phone chirps in my pocket, and I take it out to see that I have a text from Jenny. It’s a photo of her unpacked suitcase in the middle of her bedroom floor. She’s back home in Los Angeles.

I type out, You’re arriving tomorrow, and you’re not packed yet? And please don’t tell me you’re only bringing one suitcase.

Her response is immediate: Not everyone travels with their entire wardrobe, Sori.

I can hear the teasing lilt of her voice. I can’t wait to hear it in person. I won’t be able to see her tomorrow, because of the awards show, but we have plans to meet up Sunday.

There’s still so much I have to do for the show... Luckily, I’ve taken care of most of the finer details already. I have my glam squad assembled for tomorrow, with Soobin and RALA, and my dress is a black Saint Laurent with a plunging neckline and thigh-high split. I’ll have to wear an invisible Band-Aid to cover my scrape from Monday, but it’ll be worth it.

ASAP will be performing; Hyemi won’t be with them, but hopefully, if everything goes according to plan, that could change by next week.

I leave my mother’s office, pressing the button for the ground floor.

My phone chirps once more. This time the message is from Donghyun, which I swipe away without opening.

Yesterday, at dinner, he’d asked me officially if I’d be his girlfriend. I’d asked for more time. But I can’t keep putting him off. I have to make a decision soon. I just know that once I’ve made it, there’s no turning back.

The elevator opens on the ground floor, and I walk out.

Late afternoon sunlight spills through the glass windows of the lobby, catching in my eyes. I should be excited about tomorrow: I’m hosting one of the biggest awards shows on television; I’m going to wear a beautiful dress and have my makeup done and hair styled—two of my favorite things; I’m going to see ASAP perform live; and I’m celebrating this industry that I love so much, with the people I respect and admire. So why do I feel like I’m walking through water? It’s sunny outside, yet I feel cold. I’m not sick, at least I don’t think I am.

I catch sight of Youngmin, headed toward the doors that lead to the parking garage. He’s wearing headphones and I have to call out to him twice before he turns around.

He lowers his headphones. “Nuna?”

“Youngmin-ah,” I say, walking toward him. “How was your break?”

“Good. I had school, mostly.”

He smiles at me, waiting patiently. Out of all the XOXO members, he and I are the least close, though I’ve always felt comfortable around him.

“I’m back at the dorm,” he says, referring to the apartment he shares with the other members. “Since Wednesday.”

Wednesday. The day of Nathaniel’s launch. He’d been there, at the event hall. If he knows that I was there as well, he doesn’t show it, his expression more curious than anything.

I don’t know why I stopped him or why I’m lingering here. He was clearly on his way somewhere. I was just feeling a bit... melancholy, and I wanted to see a friendly face. “Well—”

“I was just on my way there, actually,” Youngmin says. “Even though no one’s around. Sun’s out on a date, Jaewoo’s with his mom and sister, and Nathaniel went to see the Ferris wheel.”

I feel my heart sink. “Did he... Did he go with anyone?”

“He said he was taking Woo Hyemi.”

I look toward the windows once more. It’ll be sunset in an hour. Had they gone to watch the sunset over the Han River?

When I return my gaze to Youngmin, I find him watching me, his expression carefully blank. “I haven’t been to see the Ferris wheel yet,” he says. “It looks like a lot of fun.”

Is he saying what I think he’s saying?

“What do you think, Nuna?” Youngmin grins. “Want to go on a date with me?”

Ji Seok, who’d been waiting for Youngmin in the parking garage, drops us off near the park.

“Please don’t do anything I’ll regret,” he begs.

“Ha, you’re funny, Hyeong!”

The park is crowded, with hundreds of people having come out to watch the sunset. The most crowded area is around the Ferris wheel, with couples and groups of friends lining up to take their turn around the massive wheel.

“We need disguises.” Youngmin drags me to a cart where an elderly woman is selling useful items for a day spent beside the Han River. He selects a pair of plastic sunglasses from a display and hands them to me before grabbing a pair for himself. “Ooh, and this.” He picks up a sun umbrella beneath a pile of them, cranking it open. It’s the gaudiest umbrella with lace and flowers. Luckily, it’s a sunny day, so a lot of people also carry umbrellas.

“Youngmin-ah, that’s not them, right?” I stare at a young couple sitting on a picnic blanket on the grass. I can’t tell if it’s them from this distance, but the girl is wearing the same bucket hat I’ve seen on Hyemi.

“Youngmin-ah?” I turn around, only to find Youngmin missing. I groan. Don’t tell me I’ve already lost him.

“Nuna!” Youngmin runs up.

I’m about to scold him, but I’m immediately distracted by the churros he’s holding; they’re Oreo-flavored and filled with cream cheese.

As we walk toward the area around the Ferris wheel, enjoying our churros, a group of teenage girls pass us.

“Wasn’t that Nathaniel Lee just now?” I overhear one of them say.

“Who was that girl with him?” her friend asks.

“Whoever it was, it wasn’t Min Sori.”

“Don’t tell me you’re a ‘MinLee’ fan?”

“I don’t know, but I am a fan of both of them.”

“Even Min Sori?”

“Yes! She’s so pretty, and I like how she looks like she’s mean but you can tell she isn’t, you know?”

“Yeah, I like that about her too.”

“Me too,” Youngmin says loudly.

“Youngmin-ah!” I pull him behind a food cart selling corn dogs, before the girls can register who he is. Even with our disguises, he’s still Choi Youngmin of XOXO, easily recognizable if you were to take a closer look. His hair is dyed black again, otherwise he’d really stick out. “We’re trying to keep a low profile, remember?”

“Excuse me, can I have a corn dog?” Youngmin’s talking to the food cart worker.

We finally make it to the Ferris wheel, after sharing the corn dog between us, dunked in batter and fried until perfectly crispy, then slathered with sweet chili and mustard sauce.

There’s a palpable tension in the air, whispers flittering among those standing in line.

I spot Nathaniel and Hyemi, toward the front of the line.

“Youngmin-ah,” I say. I don’t know what alerts him, but he looks at me, suddenly serious. “I don’t want Nathaniel to get into that car with Hyemi.”

I wait for him to ask me why, or to laugh, but he just nods.

“Okay.”

He jumps forward into the crowd. I lose sight of him immediately. I gape, then scramble to follow. The crowd parts for him, and therefore me, no one willing to stop us and cause a scene even though we’re cutting the line.

Nathaniel and Hyemi are next. The Ferris wheel attendants are calling them up. Youngmin pops out of the crowd. Rushing forward, he grabs Hyemi’s hand and drags her into one of the cars that’s already leaving. The door closes behind them.

Nathaniel stands alone on the platform, in shock.

“Was that Youngmin?” I hear him saying to himself as I rush up. Grabbing his hand, I pull him into the next car.

“Sori?” Nathaniel stares at me as the door shuts and the wheel begins its slow ascent. “What’s going on? What are you doing here?”

“I... ran into Youngmin at Joah and we... decided to come see the Ferris wheel.”

As far as explanations go, it’s a weak one, but Nathaniel doesn’t question it, leaning back in his seat. The car isn’t very large, but neither is it small, meant to hold four people. It’s enclosed for our safety, with plateglass windows on every side except the floor.

I gaze at Nathaniel. We haven’t seen each other—or spoken—since Wednesday.

“You came with Woo Hyemi,” I say.

“Hyemi’s a nice girl.” He has one elbow balanced on the windowsill as he gazes out toward the river. “She’s having a hard time right now. It’s not just all of the negative attention, she’s away from her family, her mother and sister. Her father, a lot of the time. She’s a foreigner in a country that should feel like home, but sometimes feels far from it. I can relate to that.”

I hadn’t thought of the similarities between them. “I’m glad she has you to talk to.” Regardless of my own insecurities, I am glad. I haven’t been able to help Hyemi since the scandal broke. At least, not in any visible ways. But he has. He’s given her a shoulder to lean on when she’s needed it the most.

“Yeah, well, it’s also great that apparently hanging out with her makes you jealous.”

“I’m not jealous!”

He laughs. “Whatever you say.”

“Was it wise to bring her out here?” I frown. “People might write articles about you and her tomorrow.”

“You’re one to talk.”

I blush.

“The irony.” His eyes slide to me. “You escape scandal with me, only to get embroiled in one with Youngmin. A younger man, Min Sori?”

He’s teasing, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Hyemi and I are friends,” he says, his gaze moving back toward the window. “They can write an article about that, if they want. I wanted to see the sunset, just like everyone else.”

He looks so unhappy. That sadness, I put it there. He’d be happy if it weren’t for me.

The sun sets over Seoul, gilding a golden path on the river.

“I want to be honest with you,” I say, drawing his gaze.

“You were right. I don’t care what people say about me. On the internet or to my face. If it was just me, I could endure it. I could endure most anything...” To be with you.

I take a deep breath. “But it’s not just me. My mother... I have to consider how my actions affect her. Two years ago, she asked me to promise her that I’d break it off with you...

“It’s true that I was afraid of how our scandal might affect any future career that I might want, or how it might affect you and the other XOXO members, but that wasn’t why I made that promise.

“I made it for her.”

Joah means everything to my mother. I’ve known this since I was a little girl. It gave her purpose after she became pregnant with me; it became her life after her marriage fell apart.

“Maybe a scandal of mine won’t ruin the company, but there’s always that possibility, the fear of being the reason she loses everything.”

Nathaniel had dropped his head while I was speaking. He lifts it now. “I can’t accept that you’d push me away to protect me...” he says slowly, and my heart fills with anguish. “But I can accept that you would for your mother.” I catch my breath. “It’s always been you and her, hasn’t it?” His voice is soft, tender. “Looking out for each other. Protecting each other.”

Nathaniel smiles at me, his expression rueful. “This is it, huh? Damn.” He rakes his hand through his hair.

Then he edges forward. “I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you before. I didn’t understand until now. I won’t make you waver any longer. If this is the end, I wanted to tell you, at least once...”

We’ve reached the very top of the Ferris wheel; the sun bathes our carriage in golden light.

“I love you.”