Page 22 of ASAP

After Hyemi returns from filming ASAP’s music video, we spend basically sunup to sundown at Joah perfecting the choreography. I work with not only Hyemi but the other members as well, making sure they’re eating properly and getting enough rest. Their showcase is scheduled for Friday in the evening, after the release of ASAP’s first single, “Wake Up.” I mark the days on my calendar, crossing them off one by one; Saturday passes, then Sunday and Monday.

Besides working with the members, I also assist Director Ryu, who’s subsisting solely on adrenaline and caffeine at this point. She has a whole team to help her, so I spend most of my time running to cafés within a three-hundred-meter radius of Joah to sustain the team members. I don’t complain. It’s an honor just to see Director Ryu and her team at work.

A huge vision board takes up the majority of the wall space in Director Ryu’s office, and sometimes I stand in front of it in awe, studying all the details that went into the creation of ASAP. She’s thought of everything, down to each individual member’s hair color and their astrological and zodiac signs.

She’s the person who signs off on their final outfit selections—brought to her by a team of stylists—including hair accessories and footwear, as well as overseeing the final edits for ASAP’s debut documentary, which will go live next week after their single release. The last episode will air before their full EP drops at the end of this month.

I might not be debuting as a member of ASAP, but working with the girls and Director Ryu, I feel like I’m part of a team.

With how busy I’ve been at Joah, I’d have thought that other aspects of my life might suffer, but that isn’t the case. Every evening at six, I leave the company. Just like I tell the ASAP members, I also need to rest, and life outside work is just, if not more, important.

Getting off at my bus stop Tuesday night, I round the corner to see the bright lights of my local convenience store. Nathaniel waits for me at one of the tables outside, as he has been since last week. He’s sipping from a canned drink, a book in hand. My gaze moves to where he’s left the bottle of my favorite grape juice on the table.

This is our routine, sitting and chatting about our days before walking up the hill to the house together. The sweet, rich drink cool in the balmy spring night. The neighborhood quiet as the sky turns to dusk. Nathaniel, the back of his hand brushing against the back of mine. I’d never thought I’d have a favorite part of the day, but this becomes it.

After dinner with Ajumma, we spend a few hours in the living room together. He plays a video game while I snuggle in the corner of the couch reading a web novel.

Nathaniel’s phone lights up on the coffee table, but he doesn’t reach for it. He’s in the middle of an intense zombie battle. Then my own phone chirps with a message.

Are you busy?It’s from Sun.

When my phone rings with an incoming call, I get up from the couch and head to the kitchen. I balance the phone against the coffee maker, then press Accept, leaning back against the counter.

Sun’s not even at his phone when the video loads. I’m staring at an empty high-backed chair. Behind it is a floor-to-ceiling bookcase with works of classic literature and a few translated works from English and Japanese.

“Oh, you picked up,” I hear Sun say as he swivels the chair toward him, then sits down, rubbing his neck with a towel. He’s wearing a bathrobe and pajamas pants, his hair swept back from his face. “I called Nathaniel first. He didn’t bother picking up.”

I keep my expression neutral. Why would he mention Nathaniel to me? None of the members know that he’s been living with me.

“I have an unusual request,” Sun says. “It’s coming from the director of my drama. Apparently, he’s a MinLee fan.”

I’d been so worried that someone would discover our past relationship that I hadn’t thought our interactions on Catch Me If You Can would have the opposite effect.

Apparently, we had so much chemistry on the episode that netizens started teasingly referring to us as “the MinLee couple.”

MinLee couple, Nathaniel had quipped, I guess that’s better than SoNath.

Of course, the irony is that, while people are happy for us to be in a fake relationship, if it were real, all the support would turn to judgment and scorn.

“The director wants to capitalize on your fake relationship,” Sun says, uncapping a bottle of toner, splashing the product onto his hands, then tapping it onto his face. “He asked me if I’d use you two for ratings, and I said, ‘I couldn’t have thought of a better idea myself.’”

The urge to roll my eyes is strong. “So what are you asking?”

“For you and Nathaniel to cameo in my drama. Your scenes will film this Thursday for the episode that will air next week. Most of the episode was filmed earlier, but the scriptwriter agreed to write in short roles for you two.”

“I see...” Sun’s drama follows the live-shoot system, so while the first few episodes were filmed beforehand, the others are being shot as the series airs. This way, the producers can make changes, like the inclusion of a cameo, or respond to viewer feedback to improve ratings.

“I’ll do it,” I say, “if you also let Hyemi appear on the episode.” I would have done it anyway, to support Sun, but I might as well leverage this opportunity for Hyemi’s sake.

“Woo Hyemi?” Sun raises a brow. “She’s the girl you’re mentoring, right? Whose debut will determine whether her father pays the big bucks.” He makes it all sound so mercenary.

“Is there a problem?” I say. “If you can’t do it, then—”

“No, I can.” He waves me off. “And this is perfect. I was feeling unnerved at the idea of owing you a favor.”

I look upward and hold that position. “What about Nathaniel?” I ask, recovering. “He might say no.”

“Oh, he’ll do it,” Sun says with complete confidence.

When I return to the living room, Nathaniel is waiting for a new map on his game to load. He looks up when I enter, a soft smile on his face. My heart beats a little faster. On the coffee table, his phone chirps with a new message.

“That’s from Sun-oppa,” I say quickly.

“Were you talking with Sun-hyeong in the kitchen just now?” He picks up his phone. I watch him read through the long message. “You said you’d do the cameo?”

“Yes.”

The map for the game loads. Nathaniel quickly writes out a response, then throws his phone onto the couch, picking up his controller and maneuvering his character to gathering weapons.

“What did you say?” I ask, annoyed that he’s so focused on his video game.

He glances at me. “You’re doing it, right? I said yes.”

There’s something so matter-of-fact about his response, that because I’m doing it, of course he would too. I feel my annoyance immediately melt away.

I still have a half hour before I need to get ready for bed. I pick up my phone to read my web novel. Instead of settling in the corner of the couch, I snuggle up next to Nathaniel. His body tenses and I watch as his character on screen take a few hits, but then he relaxes, adjusting his arm so that I’m more comfortable. We remain like that for the next half hour.

At Joah the following morning, I tell Director Ryu and Secretary Park about Hyemi and my cameos in Sun’s drama.

“The timing works out,” Secretary Park says. “The ASAP members are supposed to take the day off before the showcase anyway.”

I don’t bring it up to Hyemi until after she’s finished dance practice with the other members.

“Are you sure it’s all right that I’m in the episode?” she asks, fiddling with her bracelet. We’re sitting in the same room where I’d met her for the first time. Since then, she’s gotten a stylish haircut and gained some healthy weight after working with a nutritionist and personal trainer. “I don’t have any acting experience.”

“It’ll be a small role. A cameo.” In a text this morning, Sun had said the drama’s writer had agreed to write in a part for Hyemi. “Nathaniel and I also don’t have any acting experience.”

“But you’ll be a natural,” she insists. I smile at her indulgently. At least one of us has confidence in me. “Seonbae, I’ve been wanting to ask you...” She twists her bracelet around her wrist. It’s a braid of colorful strings woven together in a continuous loop. “How do you feel that you’re trending as a couple with Nathaniel-seonbae? It must be burdensome.”

My heart warms at her concern. It would be burdensome to be paired so publicly with a stranger, or worse, someone I felt uncomfortable being associated with, but...

“I’m fine,” I say truthfully. Now that I know there isn’t a scandal brewing, I’m feeling much calmer about the situation, though there are still the negative comments that give me anxiety.

“Seonbae, have you ever had a crush on someone in the company?”

My eyes widen, startled by her question. “Why do you ask? Is there someone you like?”

I try to go through the possible candidates. There’s Youngmin, who’s the same age as her and is also her classmate at SAA. And then Jaewoo, who was on Team Student Council with her and who I know she admires. There are also Joah’s other trainees, who I’ve grown somewhat familiar with, if only because I’d seen Director Ryu’s potential “teams” for future groups. One of the top trainees, a boy of Malaysian descent, is particularly cute.

She shakes her head. Quickly. Too quickly.

Hyemi has a crush.

I feel giddy at the thought. “You don’t have to tell me who, just know that I support you.”

She giggles. “Thanks, Eonni. Is it true that dating is forbidden? My father’s lawyer looked over the contract and it didn’t say anything about it.”

“It’s not,” I tell her. “It’s just tricky because of reactions from the public, especially for younger artists who don’t have as many fans to support them yet. But Joah isn’t as strict as other companies,” I add when I see her expression fall. “There are Joah artists who date.”

I think of Jenny and Jaewoo, who had a scandal early on in their relationship when a photo was leaked of the two of them. Joah stood behind Jaewoo, releasing a statement that didn’t confirm or deny the relationship but stated they would take action against any defamatory articles.

“Really?” Hyemi’s eyes are wide. “Who?”

“I can’t tell you that,” I chide.

She sighs. “You’re a good friend, Eonni.”

Nathaniel has a project for his class, so I go for a run later that night. It rained earlier, and the streets have that distinctive after-rain smell. I jog past an older man collecting bottles and cans with a grabbing tool, dropping them into separate bags for glass, plastic, and other waste. A woman putters by on her motorbike, a dog tucked snugly into her backpack, its eyes closed and tongue wagging. All of the businesses are closed, except for the convenience store, glowing like a beacon on the dark corner.

As I run, I mull over my conversation with Hyemi. It’s true that Joah has been more lax with the idea of their idols dating in the past year, ever since they took the stance of protecting Jaewoo’s relationship. The expectations around idols dating in the industry has changed too, with more and more fans supporting their favorite idols rather than turning their backs on them, like they have in the past.

If the industry had been like it is now two years ago, could Nathaniel and I have kept our relationship? Since the atmosphere has changed, could we enter into a relationship now?

I’m surprised at the turn of my own thoughts. I never thought I’d ask myself these questions. For one, there’s the promise I made to my mother, and I’ve never broken a promise to her.

And yet circumstances have changed since that day, not just with Joah’s stance on their idols dating but also the status of my mother’s company. With the success of XOXO, Joah has become a company that others in the industry respect. Because of how my mother has led Joah, she’s winning the Trailblazer Award at the EBC Awards. And now with the debut of ASAP, she’ll prove to anyone who might have doubted her that she isn’t going anywhere.

The matter of Nathaniel and me seems so small in comparison...

I slow to a walk until I stop entirely, dropping my hands to my knees to catch my breath. I’ve run as far as the neighborhood playground. A slide set with swings sits atop a blue cushioned ground covering. I head over to the bottom of the slide, sit down, and pull up my feet. Pillowing my back against the slide, I take out my phone. The screen emits a low glow as I press the contact for the only person who knows better than anyone what it’s like to date an idol.

Jenny answers on the third ring. “Sori?” Her face appears on the screen. There’s a shuffling commotion as she drops her phone. I briefly view a high ceiling before she picks it up again. “Whoops,” she says, breathless.

“Where are you?” I calculate the time in my head, and it must be early morning in New York City.

“I’m at the library. Hold on a sec.” She disappears from the screen. I can hear the soft tap of her footsteps as she walks from the library, then the squeal of a door opening.

Jenny angles the phone so that I have a view of her standing in a stairwell. The sound of her voice echoes around her. “What time is it there?”

“Ten o’clock.”

“That’s late! Where are you?”

I move the phone so that she can see the children’s play area behind me. “I needed to think, so I went for a run.”

“Should I be concerned?” Jenny asks.

I shake my head. “I just wanted to hear your voice.”

I close my eyes as I listen to her tell me about her school life. She’s taking music theory, as well as a class on modern composers. The final selection for the quartet is this week.

“If I get it, I could be in Seoul as early as this month,” she says. “I’m sorry I haven’t called much.”

“No!” I say vehemently. “I’m the one who’s sorry.”

Jenny wrinkles her nose like she wants to argue with me, but then she laughs. “Well, we’re talking now. I’m also happy to hear your voice, but you called for a reason, didn’t you?”

Her ability to read me across an entire ocean and continent is truly astounding.

I tell her everything, about my deal with my mother, that in exchange for helping Hyemi’s debut, she’ll give me more independence, but also about Nathaniel living with me for the duration of his hiatus. I feel a tad guilty that I’m telling her, when I made Nathaniel swear not to tell his bandmates, but I think he’d forgive me—I’m calling her because of him, after all.

“How do you feel?” she asks quietly.

She already knows without me having to tell her, that my feelings for Nathaniel have returned, not that they had ever gone away.

I think of the feeling that comes over me when I step off the bus to find him waiting for me.

“I feel happy.” Saying it aloud, it feels like a confession. “Tell me what I should do.”

“I don’t think I have to,” Jenny says, a smile on her face. “I won’t lie, it’s not easy, dating someone who spends half his life in the spotlight. It helps to remember that Jaewoo’s just a person, and that, even if he wasn’t a member of XOXO, I’d still want to be with him. Of course, it has helped that we’ve kept our relationship a secret. Though some fans have theories that are eerily accurate.” She shudders. “But unlike Jaewoo and me, you and Nathaniel wouldn’t be long distance.”

No, and I wouldn’t want us to be. I’m not strong like Jenny. I want to be independent with my career but not my relationship. I want to need someone, just as much as I want to feel needed.

“I think there are obstacles in any relationship,” Jenny continues. “You just have to decide whether that feeling—happiness—is worth any hardships that might come up.”

I don’t know if it’s worth it; I just know I’m not ready to let it go.

“When are you going to tell him?”

“I can’t tell him anything until after I talk to my mother. She’s in Japan right now...” Secretary Park had informed me shortly after my mother had already left. “But she’s coming back to Seoul for ASAP’s debut showcase.” I could talk to her as early as that night.

My chest flutters with nervousness and excitement. With hope.

“I’m rooting for you!” Jenny says. “You and Nathaniel. I think if any couple deserves a second chance, it’s you two.”