Page 56 of Another Love, Another Time

“I don’t know if I can,” I say. “You changed the trajectory of my life. You changed me, made me into a person I don’t even recognize some days. I can tell you are remorseful, and the things you are doing prove to me you are trying. I just don’t know if I can answer that question right now.”

“That’s fair. I know it’s a lot to ask. As I said before, I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am.”

I nod. Then, I grab a pen from my bag, write my email address on the napkin, and slide it over to him.

“Send everything you have to this email address.” I throw a twenty down for my food. He folds the napkin up and puts it in his wallet. When I stand up, he stands up with me.

I have one more question for him. “When’s the last time you spoke with Melissa?” I need to make sure he’s no longer in contact with her.

“It was the day after prom. I had to go to Walmart to grab some things for rehab. My parents found a place, but we had to leave the next day. I tried to turn the other way, but she cornered me. She didn’t get a chance to say anything because I told her if she was going to turn me in, just do it.

I didn’t care what happened, and I walked off.

She didn’t get a chance to say anything else.

I haven’t seen her since. My parents come up to see me.

I haven’t been back since. I hope I never have to see that girl again. ”

I sigh and pinch the corner of my lips. “This weekend did not turn out like I expected. You’ve given me a lot to think about. I would say I’m sorry about your face, but I’m not. You deserved it.”

He shrugs. “I do deserve it.”

“I hope you continue to try to be a better person. I’ll look for your email today.” I turn to walk away, but he stops me when he says, “What are you going to do now?”

“Now, I’m not sure. I have to go see my parents. I’m not going to let Melissa get away with this.”

“You will have everything you need when I send you the files,” he tells me.

“Thanks,” I say, and then I walk away.

~~

Present: River

As I finish my story, Auggie jumps up. “So, JD Moore, Melissa’s date, was the person who attacked you? Motherfucker!” he roars. “That bitch! What the fuck? She’s a fucking snake. She needs to be behind bars.” He runs into the bathroom again and throws up.

I wait until he’s finished and say, "I have proof to put Melissa behind bars, but turning it in and getting her in trouble means dragging him into this. I don't want him to get into trouble. He has agreed that if I ever change my mind, he will cooperate with it. I just can't, though."

He shakes his head.“How can someone we know, someone we grew up with, be so evil? I never saw it. You tried to tell me, and I just couldn’t see past it.

She’s out of my life. I’ll never talk to her again.

I tried to be there for her, and fuck!” He interlaces his fingers behind his head. “River, can you forgive me?”

After everything, I don’t know. Everything is a damn mess.

I need to take a step back. “I’m trying to,” I answer, “but every time I feel like we are moving forward, we get pushed back two steps. I’ll try.

That’s all I can promise. Loving you should not be this hard.

It should not hurt to love you.” I can feel the ache in my chest. My heart wants me to forgive him, but my head tells me I can’t trust him.

“That motherfucker asked you to forgive him. Did you?” He must see it on my face. “You forgave him. How could you do that? Just let him go free? After what he did to you? But you don’t know if you can forgive me.”

Staying calm, I respond, “Watch it. Don’t think that I forgave him instantly. He proved himself.”

He throws his hand out, gesturing into the distance. “What about me, River? I lost five years with you because of him.”

“If you think you lost me because of the attack, you haven't been listening. You lost me because of Melissa and your decision to lie to me about the situation.”

He hangs his head and takes a deep breath. “I know, I know.” He runs his hands down his face. “But I can’t just get over him hurting you. I can’t believe you’ve known all this time, and you haven’t told anyone. Does Baxter know?”

“Yeah, and he keeps in touch with him too,” I respond.

“What?” he snaps. “And Baxter knows what he did to you?”

I nod. “Look, it wasn’t like I woke up one day and was like, ‘Oh, yeah. I’m going to forgive you.’ I kicked this guy’s ass. Like, literally kicked his ass. I did a lot of therapy too. I realized I was in a bad spot. And I just couldn’t hold on to the anger anymore.

“I forgave him for myself, not for him. I hired a PI to check up on him twice a month to make sure he was following through. After he had my email address, he sent me emails occasionally, keeping me up-to-date on his life. I usually didn’t respond, but then he told me he met a girl.

I was scared for this girl. I told him I wanted to meet her, and he said she wanted to meet me, so on my next leave, I spent a day with them.

I took Baxter with me after I explained to him what was going on.

“JD introduced his girlfriend to me. He had told her everything. He didn’t hide what he had done to me.

She wanted to meet me as much as I wanted to meet her.

He is now married to this girl, and he treats her like a queen.

They have a family. She and I are friends, and we talk regularly.

I have told him that if I ever find out that I wasn’t the only one he attacked, I would turn him in.

“He made a horrible decision to do something that hurt me. I decided that I would forgive him after a lot of therapy. He did the work too. Know it was not easy to forgive him. Don’t get me wrong.

I know he is the one who attacked me, but I truly believe if someone wouldn’t have provoked him, he would have never done what he did. ”

"How do you just do that?” he asks. “I don’t understand how you can forgive him.”

“For a year, I lived in fear. Even with all the training I received, I was still on guard at all times because I didn't trust anyone. I slept with one eye open, just waiting for an attack. The only person I let get close was Baxter, and even then, I wasn’t very vulnerable with him.

“I needed to be able to facemy attacker. I did do that, but you know what? After that, I still didn’t feel any better.

The anger was eating me alive. I felt like I was coming out of my skin.

I couldn’t trust anyone; I couldn’t trust myself.

So, I went to a therapist and asked for help to manage that.

The first thing she said was that I needed to forgive him to let go of the anger.

I didn’t want to, but I wouldn’t be able to let go without forgiving him.

I forgave him for me, not him. That doesn’t mean I have forgotten; it just means I have forgiven him.

“And if I’m being honest, I want to forgive you too.

It’s the reason I moved here, but every time I feel like I’m ready to forgive you, something else comes up.

My therapist thought it was a good idea to move here and to face you and everything I ran away from.

So yes. I want to forgive. I just don’t think I’m ready. ”

“What do I need to do for you to forgive me?” he asks softly.

“Patience and time. I need to figure that out. It’s not going to be one thing.

You broke my trust not just once, but multiple times.

My heart is telling me to forgive you, but my head wants to push you completely out of my life.

I’m struggling. If you want to be with me, you are going to have to prove it over and over again.

I don’t know how long it will take me. First, we need to figure out what to do about Melissa. ”

“I’ll wait as long as it takes, and I’ll do everything that I can to prove you can trust me.”

“I guess we will see.”