Page 38 of Another Love, Another Time

River

I take a sip from my fresh cup of coffee and continue, “The first week of basic training was hard. I didn’t know anyone.

I cried myself to sleep every night. My face was still a little messed up.

Everyone assumed I was there by court order because I looked like I’d gotten into fights.

I just let them think that. Everyone left me alone; I mean, I did look pretty scary. ” I laugh a little.

“Week two was a little better. It was funny; I went to the Army to learn how to protect myself, and instead, they taught me how to lean on a team.

I met Baxter when I was in basic training.

At first, he was annoying: giving me shit about having a black eye, calling me Rhonda Rousey.

“Rhondy” for short. Then, everyone started calling me that, even my drill sergeants.

“I tried to keep to myself, but he just kept chipping away at the walls I put up. One day, we were put in this team challenge: two males and two females. He was one of the males in my group. The challenge was a tower. The goal was to get all four team members to the top and then down again, working together as a team. We had to trust one another, to use only our team to get us from one level to another.”

I look at Auggie and then back down at my hands. “That was a hard exercise for me. I went to the Army so I would feel strong and independent, and then they were asking me to trust someone with my life. I didn’t know if I could trust anyone after the one person I trusted most had let me down.”

Auggie tries to interrupt, but I raise my hand. “Just let me get it out. I trusted you above everyone else, and when I needed you, you weren’t there; you were withher. You broke something in me. How could I trust these people I had just met?”

I pause, trying to gather my emotions. “Anyways, Baxter sensed my hesitancy, so without calling me out, he let me know that he would have my back, that I could trust him not to let me fall. The whole way up and back down, he let me know he’d be there.

When I was safely back on the ground, I started to cry.

He blocked me so no one could see what was going on.

Once I pulled myself together, he acted like nothing happened. ”

“So, he swooped in and took my place? And you thought, ‘Why don’t I just marry him?’” he retorts.

“Are you kidding me? Just let me finish,” I growl.

“That night, we had guard duty together. He told me he knew something happened, that he wouldn’t pressure me into talking about it, but that he was there if I needed someone to talk to.

After that, we got closer. He was there when I needed someone to talk to.

I eventually told him everything, including everything about you. ”

“Oh, I bet he loved that,” he states sarcastically.

“Actually, he encouraged me to reach out to you.” He seems taken aback by that.

I continue, “After basic training, I knew we were both headed to the same training facility. I met his family at basic training, and they reminded me of my family. We got closer during our training; he became someone I started to rely on, and vice versa, like it was fate that our first duty station was the same place. I was grateful because he was so outgoing, and he pulled me out of my comfort zone. He became my best friend.”

I look at Auggie and see the pain my words cause. I go on, “I needed him because I couldn’t have you in my life. I still blamed you. Then, my dad passed away.”

It’s still hard talking about my dad dying.

I take a deep breath to steady myself. “Before I left for the funeral, Baxter encouraged me to reach out to you while I was back. I agreed it was time. I needed you.” I look up and hold his stare because I need him to see how painful this next part is for me.

I can feel the tears coming. “Then, when I saw you and Melissa together, I knew I had lost you.” I barely get it out, saddened not only about my dad, but also the loss of Auggie.

“River,” he croaks out.

“No. Let me finish. I needed you to be there for me. I needed you, and you stood with her instead.” I give myself a minute and start again. He goes to reach for my hand, but I pull it back. I can't have him touching me right now.

“I couldn’t be around you,” I go on. “I loved you, but I couldn’t see you with her.

When I got back, Baxter was there for me, but he had his own issues.

His mom had lost her job, and she had to do something that paid less.

It was barely enough to pay the bills. She had his siblings to take care of.

He was already sending her money, but he couldn’t afford to send her any more.

“I had heard other soldiers getting married and getting paid extra for being away from their spouses. We had just received our orders to our next duty station, and we were going to different locations. I didn’t really have anything to lose.

So, I suggested that we get married, and he could send the extra money to his mom.

He was dead-set against it at first, but I wore him down.

The next week, we got married, and I took his last name. ”

“So what? You’re married, but…”

“We are married, but in name only. He’s my best friend, my sounding board.”

“What?” He’s silent for a minute, clearly trying to process everything I just told him. His next question surprises me. “How long are you going to stay married?”

“That’s the thing. Baxter’s making enough now that he doesn’t need the extra money. His mom has also gotten a better job, so he doesn’t need to send her money anymore. When he comes to visit, we are finalizing our divorce.”

“Wow. That’s a lot. How do you feel about that?” he questions.

“It’s time. I’m good. I know he’s ready too. It’s going to be the most amicable divorce ever. You know how hard it is to explain to guys that you’re married, but you’re free to date?” I laugh.

“So, have you had any boyfriends?” he questions.

I scoff. “Boyfriends, no. Dating, yes. But between being deployed and trying to finish school, I didn’t have a lot of time to dedicate to anything else.

I dated here and there. Messed around.” I shrug.

“There was one guy who pursued me pretty hard, and I thought about using him to get over you. He was perfect, but I just couldn’t.

He wanted to settle down and have a family, and I didn’t want that.

At least, not with him. It wouldn’t have been fair to drag him into a relationship, knowing I couldn’t give him what he wanted. ”

“What would he have wanted?” he asks.

I hesitate before whispering, “My heart.”

“Why not? Why couldn't you give it to him?”

I groan and lace my fingers behind my head.

“Because as much as I wanted to hate you, I compared every guy to you, which only made me want to hate you more. I thought of you every day, and just when I thought I could go a day or two without thinking of you, something would remind me of you. It wasn’t fair, so I just stopped dating altogether.

And then, I realized that I still loved you.

"Here's the thing, Auggie. I know I deserve better than what you gave me growing up. Even in our friendship, I was a better friend. But I still love you, and I hate myself for still wanting you. I tried to move on, and you were always at the back of my mind. I didn’t have to explore my feelings with anyone to know that, not like you did. But in the end, you didn’t fucking choose me. ”

Before I even know what’s happening, his lips are on mine. At first, I want to push him away, but fuck Melissa.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I need this, so I take it. Our tongues move in sync like we’ve been doing this all our lives. These last couple of months have been hell, not being able to kiss him like this.

I don’t want him to be with Melissa. I want him for myself, especially now that he knows the truth. I can feel his hand start to creep up under my shirt. I don’t want to stop at just this kiss, but I know I need to hear his side before we take it any further.

I slow down the kissing until our foreheads are the only thing touching, and we are breathing each other in.