Page 44 of All Wrapped Up

Left to my own devices that week I daresay I might not have remained quite as relaxed about Joanne’s Greatest Gaff – as Lizzie had named it – but I had Pixie to cuddle at night and Ash was so kind and often on hand by day, that my thoughts never took the darker turn they might have succumbed to had I been entirely alone.

While the countdown to the newspaper being published ticked down, Ash and I delved deeper into what I might decide to do before it did, in private.

‘I got your message,’ he said, on the Tuesday morning when he just happened to be passing – just happened to be passing was becoming a bit of a standing joke between us as it was happening on a more and more regular basis and I was never sorry to see him.

‘You’ve definitely decided that you’re going to give Lizzie, Jemma and Joanne the go ahead to start spreading the news that you’re the person behind AutumnEverything before the paper comes out? ’

‘Yep,’ I said, as I unhooked two of my favourite Emma Bridgewater mugs from the dresser top and spooned coffee into each of them.

‘It feels inevitable that the account is going to be named in the paper now, so I want us to get in first and explain to as many people as possible that I haven’t promoted the festival on my grid because that’s not what Autumn Everything is about. ’

‘I agree that’s the right way to go,’ Ash supportively nodded. ‘If you make that clear, then no one can say you should have used it, can they?’

‘Some people still might.’ I shrugged. ‘I learnt long ago that you can’t please everyone, but I’ll feel better knowing that we’ve stated my case before Friday when everyone might assume that I’m only talking about it then because my hand has been forced.’

To a certain extent that would have been true, but I wasn’t going to make a thing of it.

‘That’s fair enough,’ Ash carried on, ‘and if the journalist has the audacity to print anything beyond the account name, then let’s hope folk won’t be impressed with them and leave it at that.’

‘That’s the dream,’ I said, holding up crossed fingers. ‘My biggest fear is that people will want to seek me out and start telling me about their own tragedies again. I hope that doesn’t make me sound heartless…’

‘Given what you’ve now told me about the messages you received after Callum died,’ Ash compassionately said, ‘it doesn’t make you sound heartless at all. You’re still coming to terms with your own grief, so the last thing you need is to take on other people’s.’

‘It feels so good to have someone in my life who gets that,’ I smiled.

I knew my parents would also understand, but I couldn’t possibly worry them with this. Thank goodness for Ash.

‘Good,’ Ash smiled back. ‘I’m pleased you feel that way. You know you can always lean on me.’

‘I do know that. Thank you, Ash. And you know what,’ I carried on, feeling confident, in that moment at least, ‘I doubt the article will feature more than the account name. After all, this story isn’t about me, is it?

It’s about the shop window winners, so really there’s no need to mention me in any more detail than they need to discuss you.

We were simply the people handing out the awards, weren’t we? ’

‘That’s true,’ Ash agreed. ‘And this is a small local paper we’re talking about, not a raging red top. The photographer might have been interested in you, but the journalist might not think your history is newsworthy at all.’

‘Let’s hope we’re both right,’ I said, as I took the milk he handed me from the fridge and poured a little into each of the mugs, ‘and we’ll know soon enough.’

‘I’m sorry you’ve been put in this situation though.’

‘Me too.’ I swallowed, feeling briefly less buoyant. ‘It’s the last thing I need to have to contend with when there’s so much still to do for the festival.’

‘Oh, Clem,’ Ash softly said, ‘come here.’

I put the milk down and he stepped nearer and pulled me to him.

He wrapped me in his arms and held me close to his chest. I relaxed and laid my cheek against his firm body, feeling so safe that I didn’t think I’d ever want to move away again.

Pixie, however, had other ideas and barked until we broke apart and he picked her up in place of hugging me.

‘Thank you for that,’ I smiled. ‘I really needed it.’

‘Anytime,’ he said, his cheeks turning warm and pink. ‘Now, I hope you’re not jealous, madam,’ he then said sternly to Pixie as she licked his nose. ‘There’s room for more than one wonderful woman in my life, you know.’

Having seen him hug someone at Skylark Farm on the day the pumpkin field opened, I already knew that, but it didn’t diminish my appreciation of the embrace he had just, with perfect timing, bestowed upon me.

I watched as he put Pixie down again and then I handed him back the milk to return to the fridge, in a move that felt well-practiced and familiar given the number of times he’d called in recently.

‘I don’t think you will have done, Ash,’ I then unexpectedly heard myself say, ‘because I’m sure I’d sense a change in you, but have you looked up online what happened to Callum?’

‘Absolutely not,’ he hastily told me, sounding a little offended.

‘I’m sorry,’ I quickly said. ‘I don’t know why I asked you that.’

‘I have more respect for you than to do that.’

‘I know you do,’ I apologised again. ‘I know. I’m sorry.’

‘It’s okay,’ he then said. ‘I suppose you were bound to wonder and there are probably plenty of people in my position who would have done. That said, before you start thinking it too, I’m sure Lizzie and the others won’t have looked either.’

I nodded and poured the boiled water into the mugs, then thoughtfully stirred them both.

‘What is it?’ Ash asked, picking up that I was pondering something else.

‘I can’t seem to stop thinking,’ I slowly said, now his hug had staved off the brief overwhelm and allowed more rational thoughts to return, ‘and not only because of Joanne’s Greatest Gaff, that it might be time I told a few people that I’m a widow.’

Ash’s eyes widened and I wasn’t surprised, because I was amazed myself.

I had fleetingly considered the possibility before, but then put it on the backburner when faced with the busyness of organising the festival.

I realised I hadn’t been ready then; however, since Saturday, things now felt as if they were gathering steam and coming to a head.

‘I’ve made some genuine connections here now,’ I said aloud, to further explain my change of heart, ‘and put down some roots that reach way beyond the cottage boundary. So, I think it might be time. What do you think?’

‘I think,’ Ash seriously said, ‘that sounds wonderful and you’re absolutely right.’

‘Really?’

‘Really,’ he carried on eagerly. ‘You’ve made wonderful friends here, Clemmie, and friends talk, don’t they? They share things, secret things that might otherwise become a burden, they talk about their past—’

‘They do,’ I cut in. ‘They do all those things.’

‘You love Rowan Cottage,’ he forged on, encouraged by my enthusiasm, ‘and you love Wynbridge now too, and I think you want to settle here properly , but you won’t be able to do that if you’re constantly looking over your shoulder and worrying that someone might find something out about you that you’ve left unsaid, will you? ’

‘I won’t,’ I acknowledged. ‘And I’d always be scared that if my story did come out and I hadn’t said anything, then my friends would be hurt because they hadn’t known one of the biggest things about me. Being widowed, at such a young age, is a huge thing to keep from those you care for, isn’t it?’

‘It is,’ Ash agreed. ‘And you know as well as I do, that friends, true friends—’

‘Share.’

‘Exactly,’ he smiled kindly and I handed him one of the mugs.

‘Obviously, you don’t have to tell everyone, but I do think that telling those closest to you will help you live a much fuller life here.

It will help your friends build up a picture of you as they get to know you better, too.

I know that I understand you more as a result of what you’ve shared with me. ’

‘You do?’

He looked at me for a long moment.

‘Yes,’ he said, then looked away. ‘Knowing that you’ve loved and lost, that you’ve lived through this immense tragedy in your young life, explains a lot.’

I let out a long breath. Ash had a knack of making me feel seen. Seen, heard and understood and I valued that immensely. I could imagine he and Callum would have been friends, but I wasn’t sure how the thought of that made me feel…

‘What has it explained?’ I asked and Ash pulled his gaze back to mine.

‘We’ll get into that another day,’ he said, scooping Pixie up again with his free hand. ‘Right now, we need to think about how we can quickly spread the word about AutumnEverything.’

‘Oh, that will be a breeze,’ I smiled. ‘I’ll just give Joanne the go-ahead to gossip.’

‘Fair enough.’ Ash nodded. ‘And that will leave you free to talk to Lizzie and Jemma about Callum, won’t it?’

‘Yes,’ I agreed. ‘Though that doesn’t feel like it’s going to be anywhere near as easy.’

Early Wednesday evening, Ash and I drove into town separately as he was on call, so I could talk to Lizzie and Jemma in the café once they’d both closed up for the day.

Joanne had a conveniently scheduled call with Aiden, so it would be just the three of us.

I wondered if she had yet broached the subject of not wanting to move to Germany with him, but that was something I could ask her another day.

I had the conversation with Lizzie and Jemma all planned out and, as well as sharing some of my past, I was going to let them know that they could give Joanne permission to talk about me being the person behind AutumnEverything, and that they could also share my identity, too.

‘Are you sure you don’t want me to hang around?’ Ash asked, once we’d parked up. ‘I don’t mind.’