Page 24 of All Wrapped Up

I was so looking forward to showing Mum and Dad what I had – hopefully – achieved once the festival was in full swing, but there was no way I’d be able to stop them talking to the likes of Joanne and potentially filling in some blanks about me.

How much longer, I wondered, was I realistically going to be able to keep my reason for moving to Wynbridge under wraps?

My being a widow might not necessarily come up in general chit-chat, but it could.

Would it be better to talk about it ahead of Mum and Dad’s visit or risk leaving it to chance?

I wasn’t sure how I’d cope if it randomly cropped up in conversation without my being prepared for it, and given Joanne’s now vaguely hinted-at continuing fondness for pairing people off, it might get a mention, because if she revealed some plan for me and Ash, then Mum and Dad could say something…

It would have been wonderful if my new life could have carried on without the sympathetic head tilts and sad looks sharing my history would doubtless provoke, but if I was committed to getting to know these people properly and building a full life for myself here, then sharing my past at some point had to happen, didn’t it?

‘I’m hoping they’ll visit,’ I said, mindful that my time to decide whether to share or not now potentially had an expiration date. ‘We’ll talk properly about it once the festival is underway.’

‘And,’ Joanne then asked, with a twinkle in her eye, ‘will there be anyone else who might visit? By which I mean,’ she then more bluntly added, ‘might there be someone special left behind who will come with your mum and dad?’

‘Joanne!’ Lizzie tutted.

‘Mum and Dad are pretty special in their own right.’ I smiled tightly.

‘Quite right,’ said Lizzie as she tried to rescue me.

‘But have you left your heart behind?’ Joanne further probed, ignoring the warning look Lizzie threw her and which would have stopped most people in their tracks. ‘Was it a matter of the heart that prompted a move such a long way from home?’

Callum was the largest and most important part of my past and my heart, but I wasn’t about to drop him into the conversation – or should that have been, interrogation – until I had had the chance to further consider whether or not I was ready to.

‘In a way,’ I then, however, felt inspired to say, ‘it was a matter of the heart.’

‘Go on,’ Joanne insisted.

‘I fell in love with Rowan Cottage,’ I said simply.

Joanne huffed and Lizzie laughed.

‘And having seen it for myself,’ Lizzie smiled, ‘I’m not surprised.’

Joanne didn’t look so amused. ‘You blooming tease,’ she tutted at me. ‘I bet there was loads more to it than that!’

There most certainly was and what I then grasped I needed, was the listening ear of someone I had started to consider a close friend to hear what I had to share first. That was, someone I had started to consider a close friend until I had got the jitters because of what Molly had hinted at and, erring on the side of caution, backed off.

In a moment of much appreciated clarity I realised that talking to Ash might help me decide whether I was ready to go public about my past or not.

And, whatever the outcome, it was high time I trusted my intuition about him, rather than be governed by Molly’s ungrounded prediction, and reclaimed him as the closest friend I had in Wynbridge.

‘I was beginning to think you didn’t want me,’ was the first thing Ash said, when I opened the cottage door to him that evening and he scooped an ecstatic Pixie up into his arms.

My thoughts shot back to Molly again, but I quickly cast them off.

What I wanted was a friend and Ash had never given me any reason to believe he considered me as anything other than that.

It wasn’t his fault that Joanne had cast herself in the role of Cupid or that Molly had hinted that there might one day be something less platonic about my feelings for him and therefore, it was time to make amends for dropping him and I was going to hopefully do that by taking him into my confidence and making him my confidante as well as my friend.

‘Of course I want you,’ I therefore said, the word catching, as I closed the door and made light of my recent disappearance and silence. ‘But given everything else you’ve had going on, I thought you probably needed a bit of space and the opportunity to get your head straight.’

‘I did actually,’ he said, as he put Pixie down, ‘so, thank you, Clemmie. I’m pleased to say, Nan’s now settled and Will and I have decided I should call off my house hunt until after the winter. He’ll put the barn on the market in the spring rather than now.’

‘So, you still haven’t found anywhere then?’

‘I haven’t, but I’m happy, and relieved, to be able to stay where I am for a few more months and now I’m not trawling Rightmove every spare minute and worrying about what’s happening in Bakewell, my head is in full-on festival mode and I’m completely at your disposal.’

‘Well,’ I swallowed, ‘that’s great. Perfect, in fact.’

‘I’m guessing that means you’ve got loads for me to do?

’ he predicted, as he rubbed his hands together and looked keen to get stuck in.

‘I know you’ve been going great guns with it all because everyone has been telling me.

And, as much as I have appreciated you carrying everything yourself, I do want to make amends. ’

‘In that case,’ I suggested, ‘let’s have some supper and I’ll properly catch you up on it all.’

Fingers crossed, once we’d exhausted the topic of the festival, I would feel completely ready to embark upon the emotional deep dive that he had no idea was coming.

‘Oh, my goodness, Clemmie,’ Ash puffed, when I rejoined him in the kitchen having ducked out after I’d finished eating and telling him most of what was now happening with the festival, to check the log-burner. ‘That was delicious. I couldn’t manage another bite.’

It wasn’t that chilly an evening, but I hadn’t been able to resist lighting the fire and Pixie, currently laying with her nose practically on the hearth, obviously appreciated the cosiness as much as I did.

‘I’m delighted you enjoyed it,’ I told Ash. ‘They turned out larger than I thought they would though, so I didn’t expect you to finish it all.’

‘I needed something hearty after the day I’ve had and that pasty was perfect.’

I’d made butternut squash pasties and served them with a tangy, green tomato chutney to cut through the sweetness of the squash. I hadn’t been able to finish all of mine, but that was the result of nerves over what was still to come rather than a lack of gluttony.

‘What did you think of the chutney?’ I asked. ‘It’s freshly made, so the flavour could have probably done with a bit more time to develop.’

‘You made it?’

‘I did.’

‘Well,’ Ash said, ‘I loved it and the pasty. The chutney was the perfect accompaniment.’

He certainly looked satisfied.

‘In that case, you can take a jar away with you. Now, go through and give Pixie another fuss, while I make us some tea and then I’ll run you through the last bits of the very packed festival schedule.’

I hoped that by the time I had done that, my courage wasn’t going to fail me.

‘You certainly seem to have thought of everything,’ Ash later said, once I had shown him the printed schedule and the behind-the-scenes contingency that accompanied it. ‘The only thing missing is the partridge in a pear tree.’

‘That comes later in the year,’ I laughed.

‘Seriously though, Clemmie,’ he said, sitting back on the sofa and taking Pixie with him, ‘I don’t think you’re going to need me at all. Not that I’m about to duck out.’

‘Well, that’s good,’ I said, ‘because Joanne would be devastated if I didn’t start to utilise you properly.’

I felt Ash’s gaze switch from Pixie to me.

‘Oh?’ He frowned. ‘What’s she been saying now?’

‘Nothing too incriminating,’ I told him. ‘But I’m not as convinced as I was before, after Lizzie had put her in her place, that she’s permanently packed away her Cupid’s bow.’

‘In that case,’ Ash tutted, as he rubbed Pixie’s belly and she stretched out along the sofa next to him, ‘we’d better be on guard.’

‘Yes,’ I said, biting my lip and feeling frustrated. ‘You’re right. Swords at the ready.’

Ash laughed at that.

‘It’s not funny,’ I seriously said.

‘It is a bit,’ he smiled. ‘The vision of us in full armour whenever we head to town, surely you have to be amused by the thought of that.’

‘No, I don’t,’ I insisted, feeling further fed up with the situation and probably sounding it, too.

Ash stopped fussing Pixie and pinned me with his blue eyes, which made the room feel rather warmer than the fire allowed for. He leant forward and rested his elbows on his knees, with his whole focus trained solely on my face.

‘Should I be offended?’ He frowned. ‘I know we said when we first met that neither of us were in the market for a relationship, but is the thought of being with me really so… repugnant, Clemmie?’

‘No,’ I hotly said. ‘Don’t be silly.’

‘So, I’m not repulsive then?’

‘Of course not.’

‘Well, that’s all right then,’ he sighed, leaning back. ‘I was beginning to get a complex.’

I shook my head at that. ‘No, you weren’t,’ I tutted. ‘And don’t go getting all self-absorbed because now’s not the time.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because,’ I faltered, ‘because… there’s something I want to tell you and if you’re being silly and huffy, I won’t be able to.’

Sensing the mood had properly changed, he sat forward again. ‘What is it?’ he asked. ‘Tell me.’

I took a deep breath.

‘You do know that I consider us the best of friends, don’t you?’ Ash said seriously when I didn’t launch forth. ‘And that you can tell me anything in complete confidence.’

‘Thank you for that.’ I swallowed. ‘It truly means a lot to hear you say that because I haven’t actually made friends with anyone for a very long time. And I know I’m getting to know Lizzie, Jemma, and even Joanne, now, but I do feel that there’s a different sort of connection with you, Ash.’

‘Good,’ he nodded. ‘Because I feel that way, too.’

I relaxed a little as a result of his sincerely said words.

‘I have been worried that Joanne’s interference and her potentially continued meddling, actually might spoil things for us,’ I admitted.

‘Not a chance.’

‘Well, that’s good,’ I said, as I geared myself up, ‘because there’s something in particular that I want to share with you and, for now at least, only you.’

‘Go on,’ he encouraged.

Having now said twice that I had something to tell him, I supposed then was the moment to get on with it.

‘I want to tell you,’ I finally began, clasping my hands tightly together on my lap, ‘I want to tell you, the reason why until very recently, I’ve been living the life of a recluse here in Rowan Cottage.’

‘Because you’ve been focused on the renovation. ‘Ash frowned.

‘No,’ I said, unclasping my hands again. ‘No, that’s a part of it, but nowhere near the whole of it.’

I let out a long breath and closed my eyes for a moment.

‘Whatever it is,’ Ash said softly, ‘you can tell me, Clemmie. You can trust me.’

‘I know that.’ I smiled, when I opened my eyes again. ‘I’ve never properly doubted that. But it’s hard. Very hard. Even though I want to tell you.’

I’d never talked to anyone other than my parents, and Pixie, about what had happened and it was harder than I had expected it to be to try and push the words out, and in spite of the fact that it was Ash that I was talking to.

I didn’t know what it was about him that had singled him out as confidante material.

I’d been friends with guys before, but never felt such a close bond and so quickly and I was grateful for his patience now.

Callum had been my best friend, of course, but he had been my husband too, which put him in an entirely different category of friend to Ash.

‘There’s a reason beyond ruining our friendship as to why I’m so resistant to, and upset by, Joanne’s love of matchmaking, where I’m concerned, anyway,’ I continued, coming at it from a slightly different direction. ‘It’s because… it’s because, I’m a… widow.’

‘A widow,’ Ash gasped.

‘Yes,’ I said, letting out a juddering breath. ‘The man I was married to, and utterly in love with, was killed in an accident in the town we grew up in.’

‘Oh, Clemmie.’

‘I moved here eighteen months after it happened,’ I quickly carried on, ‘with a view to processing my grief and coming to terms with it all and now that I have, now that I can properly breathe, I’m finally starting to join in with the world again.’

‘I’m so sorry,’ Ash said, running a hand through his hair and blinking hard. ‘I had no idea. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.’

He sounded completely floored.

‘Thank you,’ I said, wiping away a tear and then taking a moment to collect myself. ‘And besides you, Ash,’ I then continued, realising that attempting this conversation with the other people I was getting to know, would still be too much, ‘I’m not ready to tell—’

‘Anyone,’ Ash cut in accurately. ‘You’re not ready to tell anyone. I understand that. And you know I won’t say a word, don’t you? You know you can trust me completely.’

‘I do know that,’ I said, feeling grateful. ‘I’m sure I’ll be ready for it all to come out one day, but not for a while. I’m not there yet.’

‘And no wonder you were so troubled by Joanne’s preoccupation with pushing people together.’ Ash then frowned. ‘The last thing you want right now is someone trying to set you up.’

‘That’s the last thing I’ll ever want,’ I said, with emphasis. ‘My heart was broken into a million fragments when Callum died, and even though I’ve somehow glued them back into some sort of shape, I’ll never risk falling in love and suffering the pain of that catastrophic loss again.’