Page 21 of A Loving Governess in Disguise
Chapter 21
Euterpe wished that their carriage could move faster.
She wanted to shake and scream and cry. She wanted to curse the Duke of Somerset for taking Emma and keeping her until Euterpe did what he wanted. She was already going to; he did not need to be so vile. It was an insight into her marriage that she did not want to have, and one that made her feel faint.
“You must breathe,” Charlotte reminded her. “You will be of no use to anyone if you cannot hold yourself correctly.”
“I will not be of any use to anyone at all soon enough.”
“Euterpe, if this is what you want to do, then you must see the good in it. If you cannot, then we will refuse to take you to your parents’ home.”
“You have no say in the matter.”
But, she thought as their carriage raced along, her friend did have a point. There had to be some good in all of it beyond giving Eloise her freedom and rescuing Emma. With a sigh, she tried to think.
“I will have children to care for,” she said emptily, “and a household to run. That will keep me busy, and if I am busy, I will not be able to think about my husband.”
“That is a start.” Charlotte nodded.
“I will also be able to see my mother and father again. I am angry with them for what they have done, but I will not pretend that I haven’t missed them. They were always good to me, to us.”
She looked directly at Eloise as she said that.
“They were,” she agreed sadly. “Were they angry when I left?”
“They were afraid. I would wager that they are even more frightened now that we have both disappeared.”
“When you see them, please tell them that I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt anyone.”
“I know. I did not want to hurt them either, but, of course, they will be. They will forgive us one day, even if they never come to understand.”
“I would like them to understand, though. Do you … do you suppose they might like to see me?”
“You may come to my wedding. We will then know for certain.”
Eloise nodded slightly before falling silent again. She could see the regret in her eyes, but there was nothing that her regret could do. Fortunately, her anger subsided more and more as she spent time by her side, not to mention that Charles was indeed a good man, and he sat beside Eloise protectively, watching over her. He would be a good husband to her, Euterpe decided, and she would have to accept that.
They took two rooms, one for Charles and the other for the three ladies. As they would not be recognized, and Eloise was as good as engaged, Euterpe allowed her to stay with Charles until the time came to sleep. Eloise lit up at the deal and thanked her profusely before leaving for dinner with him.
“I see you are not so against them now,” Charlotte said brightly. “It is just as well because she has told me over and over that she wants you to accept them.”
“It isn’t as though I have much of a choice, which is becoming my life.” Euterpe laughed emptily. “If he makes her happy, and she does not mind never seeing our family again, then who am I to tell her not to do it? He is a good man, and I have never seen her look at anyone the way she looks at him.”
“She is in love. I want the same for you and me, too, even if you must take this dreadful man as your husband. Perhaps one day you will find love regardless.”
Euterpe wrung her hands together, knowing she had to tell Charlotte what had happened between her and the Duke of Cambridge but not wanting to say it aloud. If she did, it would make it all true, and she was terrified of that. She wanted to pretend that it wasn’t and that she had simply imagined it all. However, Charlotte saw the look in her eyes that she was hiding something, and she took her to their room.
There were three beds in the nicely decorated room, and Euterpe took the one in the middle. Charlotte took the one on the right, and perched on the edge of it, staring at her.
“Go on,” she said expectantly. “We both know that you cannot keep anything from me.”
“I believe I am falling for the duke.”
“Of Somerset?” she asked, wrinkling her nose.
“No, the Duke of Cambridge.”
“That is wonderful!”
“No, it isn’t,” she protested, placing her pillow on her lap. “It is the worst possible thing that could have happened. I tried so hard to keep away from him and to do what I was there for and nothing else, but I continued to see him, and the more I did, the more I liked him. He is such a wonderful man, Charlotte.”
“Then it is no wonder that you have forgiven your sister. For all intents and purposes, you are in identical situations. You are both runaways that wish to marry, even though one member of your partnerships is outside of the ton. That is what the duke believes you to be, at least, yes?”
“Indeed. He thinks I am Cecilia Pembroke, a governess. I cannot believe that he never questioned me. I cannot be that good at pretending to be a governess, can I?”
“Perhaps he simply saw what he wanted to. It is entirely possible that he fell for you in return, you know.”
“He didn’t. He would have told me before I left. Besides, his niece has forbidden him from marrying without her permission, and after all that she has been through, she will never allow him to marry her governess.”
“But you no longer are. You can meet him again as yourself, and then–”
“No, Charlotte. I cannot even consider it, not when Emma’s life is at risk. We both know what must be done, and so it will be.”
“But, if he did–”
“Yes, Charlotte,” she sighed, falling back onto her bed, “if he did, and our paths one day crossed again, I would tell him.”
“I shall remind you of that.” Charlotte smiled triumphantly, laying down herself.
Silence fell between them for a while, which led to Euterpe thinking. Memories of her time at the manor flooded her, and she had to fight the tears that formed in her eyes. She sat up again, and Charlotte followed suit.
“I love him,” she whispered. “I do not want to admit it, but I cannot pretend any longer. I love him, Charlotte.”
“At last, you accept it.”
“I cannot help it. You should have seen him with Ella. She adores him, and I have never known a man to care so much for a child. Now that I am away from them, I cannot stop thinking about what they might be doing and how they might be feeling.
I wonder if Ella misses me and if she has another governess now, and if she likes her. The duke told me that she has never liked any of them as much as me, so what if she is completely miserable? She does not deserve that, no matter what made me leave.”
“You told me she enjoyed playing tricks,” Charlotte reminded her. “Perhaps she is playing them again? She respected you too much to do it to you anymore so that mind of hers must have been crafting some brilliant ones for when the time came. If that is the case, you ought to pity her new governess rather than the little girl herself.”
Euterpe couldn’t help smiling at the thought.
“I left my necklace behind,” she whispered. “Well, in truth, it belonged to Eloise, but I found it in a shop, and the owner gave it to me. I left it for her to find in my room. I wonder if she is wearing it or has put it away for when she is older. I hope I at least helped her, even if I made it all worse when I left.”
“It is as you say; we have done what we must. She will understand one day.”
Euterpe nodded reluctantly, wishing she had been braver, and told the duke how she felt. She was leaving, after all, and therefore had nothing to lose. She had so many regrets about what had happened, but she tried not to think about them. It would only make her more upset, which she did not need.
“There was a ball,” she remembered, looking down at her hands. “The duke hosted it, and we pretended that I was not a governess and I attended. At the time, I was looking for suitors in case I had to find a husband quickly, but each time a gentleman came to me, the duke told them to leave. Then, when they sent calling cards, he refused them.”
“And that did not strike you as odd?”
“It did, but only because I thought he wanted to ensure that I would never leave and that I would remain Ella’s governess. Now that I am thinking about it all, though …”
“You are wondering if it was because he was jealous and did not want you to consider any other man?”
“Yes. He was trying to hide how he truly felt, and I should have seen that. It is so clear now that I think about it, but at the time, I never even considered it. He danced with me, Charlotte, in a ballroom that was empty save for the musicians. It was the most romantic thing I have ever seen or heard of, and even then, I did not see it. I thought it was an apology and nothing more on his part, which made the way I felt with him sting even more.”
“Euterpe, I cannot believe that you never said a word about this.”
“I should have, I know. I should have told him the truth and asked him for help. He might have been able to do something. He couldn’t have saved me, but perhaps he could have done something.”
“What if we turn back?”
“We can’t, not when the Duke of Somerset has Emma. Believe me, I have tried and tried to think of a way to fix this, but nothing can be done. He will not stop until I am his, so I will give him what he wants. Perhaps then, he will leave all of you alone. I have good memories with the Duke of Cambridge, and that will be enough.”
Charlotte nodded, but Euterpe could see that she wanted to ask her something.
“Have you told Eloise?”
“No, and I never will. She will only feel worse for what she did, and she has punished herself enough. I can see it every time I look at her. She hates herself for it, I can tell, and I cannot make it worse.”
“You haven’t,” came a third voice, and Eloise entered the room slowly.
“Eloise!” Euterpe snapped. “Have you been eavesdropping?”
“Not exactly, for this is also my room, but I suppose that does not matter. Yes, I have been listening. I cannot believe that I have caused you to be brought away from something so beautiful.”
“In a way, you also brought me to him. After all, I never would have gone to Cambridge at all if it were not for you. At least, this way, I have known something good. I have you to thank for that.”
Euterpe wondered if Eloise was thinking the same as her; that if it were not for Eloise, she would not have been forced to marry the Duke of Somerset to begin with, but part of her knew better.
If the Duke of Somerset wanted her to such an extent, he would have found another way to have her. There was nothing any of them could have done. She truly was grateful for it all, in the end, as it had led to the most wonderful adventure, one that almost made the lifetime of misery that awaited her worthwhile.
Almost.