Page 14 of A Loving Governess in Disguise

Chapter 14

At least, with Theodore, Euterpe could wander the town without losing where she was. He seemed to know the winding and bustling streets like the back of his hand, navigating them easily, and she followed along behind, feeling a tremendous sense of unease.

The bookshop was a mere few minutes’ walk from where they had stopped, and soon enough, she was standing in a most incredibly smelling room. There was a pleasant scent of old paper punctuated by dust. In any other situation, Euterpe would have felt utterly at home, but she had no time for such things at that moment.

“Good afternoon,” Theodore said brightly to the owner. “We are looking for a man known to frequent this place. Might you be able to help us?”

“I may,” he replied. “Though I do have a lot of students come by.”

“Wonderful. We are looking for a man named Charles Atkins. He has brown eyes and black hair, and he wears spectacles.”

The man looked in thought at them for a moment, then to Euterpe’s dismay, he shook his head.

“That name sounds familiar, though I couldn’t tell you why. I do believe, however, that a gentleman of that description was here yesterday. He bought a book about law. I thought that was strange, as they are hardly ever purchased. Might that be of any use to you?”

Euterpe tried to muster a smile and a nod of gratitude, but it was agonizing to do so. This was supposed to be the moment that she had something, anything, to use to help her find Eloise. Every time she thought something would prove useful, however, she was proven wrong. It was a hopeless endeavour, and she was beginning to lose motivation to try.

If they were to marry, she thought, and Eloise loved him, was there any need to find her? If Eloise was happy, even if not wealthy, and taken care of in that respect, what right did Euterpe have to find her and drag her away from it? This man had to make her happy or loved enough to leave her life behind.

If Eloise had made her choice, who was Euterpe to change her mind for her?

She nodded quickly to Theodore, and the pair left the bookshop. Theodore took her to a nearby park, and she was about to question it when they arrived in an empty clearing. Nobody was around, not a single person, and Euterpe knew precisely his motives.

She could, at last, scream.

And so she did. She threw herself onto her knees and howled into her hands, furious about everything. It wasn’t fair, and now she did not know what to do with herself. If she was not her sister’s protector, then what good would she be?

Theodore placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, pressing into it gently. It was nice to have a friend, but it did not change her situation. It had all been for nothing, and now she had to return to the duke, look him in the eye, and lie to him once more about who she was.

She no longer recognized herself; she was once the sort of lady who knew precisely what to do and always had an answer, but now she had nothing to do but pity herself, and she hated it.

“I understand this is difficult,” Theodore said kindly, “but it will all be alright. We could–”

“Theodore, no. There is nothing more I can do. Eloise is gone, and I was not worth being told where. Did you know she wrote a letter to our mother and father but left me nothing? She didn’t say a word to me; she simply disappeared, never to be seen again. How am I supposed to continue?”

“We do not know why she has done this, and she may well have her reasons and be very happy, but it is unfair for you not to know of them. If anything, we must find her so that you can know.”

“But we can’t find her. She has disappeared into thin air, and no matter who we ask, nobody can help us. I may as well not try at all.”

Theodore was looking at her carefully, as if unsure of what to say to her. She did not, in truth, want him to say anything at all. She simply wished to return to her lodgings, crawl into her bed, and never leave it. At least, that way, she wouldn’t have to think about what was happening outside her bedchambers.

Then again, having such a luxury as her lodgings hinged on her doing her duty: caring for a sweet little girl with big blue eyes and a penchant for knowing everything she could. Suddenly, Euterpe’s mind cleared.

She could avoid the Duke of Somerset for the rest of her life, keeping her life as a governess while her sister found whatever she had been looking for. A wave of resolve washed over her. If this was what Eloise wanted, and her parents had pushed both of them to this point, then so be it.

She would hold onto her new life with both hands.

“I wish to go home,” she whispered.

“To your mother and father?”

She shook her head.

“No, Theodore. I wish to go home.”

He understood her that time, and he helped her to her feet. There were nasty grass stains where she had been kneeling, but she did not pay them any mind. If asked, she would simply say she had fallen.

They returned to the carriage, and Euterpe felt hope despite everything. She was good at being a governess, and she liked the duke. She might have actually liked him too much if anything, but that did not matter. She would keep a respectable distance from him, especially if it made Ella happier.

Before they reached the carriage, however, she was greeted by two gentlemen. She remembered them from the ball– tall gentlemen, one with blond hair and one with black, but both with the same hazel eyes. They had been perfectly lovely when they had greeted her, but they had not actually spoken to one another.

“Miss Pembroke, yes?” the black-haired one asked. “Mr Bramston. Mr Hedgely and I have both written to the duke, and we were confused about why we received the response that we did. Might we have caused you offence?”

Euterpe blinked. She did not recall seeing a letter from either of them, let alone seeing the duke write a response.

“My apologies, Sir, but I am unsure what you are referring to. What did you write a letter about?”

“We wanted permission to court you, of course,” Mr Hedgely explained. “We had hoped His Grace would allow it, but he refused. In fact, it would appear that he refused anyone who asked. We understand that it is not commonplace, but your status does not change a thing, especially not for us younger brothers.”

Status, Euterpe thought, was a very strange thing indeed. She was the same person, but by simply changing her name, she became entirely different. She was now undoubtedly less desirable, though she did blush at the thought of being wanted all the same.

“My apologies, Sir,” she replied politely. “But I did not receive any calling cards. I shall discuss this with the duke, though, as I am certain this is a simple mistake and nothing more.”

The two gentlemen bowed, and they continued on their way. Upon boarding, however, Euterpe noticed how uncomfortable Theodore had grown. He seemed almost ashamed of himself, and she did not like it.

“What is it?” she asked.

“It is nothing, Euterpe.”

“There is clearly something wrong, Theodore. You haven’t been like this before, and suddenly now that you have seen those two gentlemen, you are completely ill at ease. Why?”

He paused for a moment, unable to look her in the eye.

“The duke …”

But he trailed off, unable to finish his sentence. That was, however, enough for Euterpe. She understood completely what had happened. He had done it at the ball, refusing a gentleman who had spoken to her, and they had fought and apologized, only for him to do it again the following day. She felt her blood turn hot as they travelled, and while Theodore couldn’t look at her, she found herself unable to look away.

“Do you habitually hide things from those you call friends?” she asked.

“No, Euterpe, of course I do not.”

“Well, you are hiding something from me.”

“Yes, in the same way I am doing so for you with the duke in return. I am in an impossible situation. It isn’t as though I can tell either of you what is happening because I do not completely understand it all myself, and it would only make you both feel worse. You shall see the duke this evening, so why don’t you speak to him about it yourself?”

“Because I thought that he and I had reached an understanding. I do not wish to put myself before someone who has lied to me and try to understand his reasons for doing so. I feel betrayed, almost as much as I did when Eloise left.”

Her hands trembling, she realized she was not exaggerating, either. From the moment she met the duke, she had no choice but to trust him completely. If she was to live there, she had to take him at his word, and he had not kept to it. It was a betrayal, as she had thought him a friend more than an employer.

Then again, she thought, she was a fool for doing that in the first place. This man was not her friend; he was simply a man who needed a governess for his niece. She was there, and she was desperate. That was all it had been.

“Euterpe, he can explain all this, I am certain of it. Ask him once we return.”

“No. I do not wish to hear any excuses. I would much rather find Ella and continue our lessons or even simply speak with her about her music lesson this afternoon. I do not need to know what his motives in preventing me from finding a husband were, not when I can assume them well enough myself.”

“And what do you expect he has done it for? How could he stand to gain from it?”

“Because then he would not have to find another governess,” she snapped. “You both told me over and over how desperate the situation had become. You have both also told me that I am the first good governess that Ella has had. She is fond of me; you all are. It would make sense, then, that the duke did not wish to lose me, and so he could not allow the possibility that I might marry and leave.”

Theodore, at last, met her eye. Of course, he wasn’t afraid of her, but there was an undeniable guilt in his eyes.

“I am correct, aren’t I?” she asked.

“No– I do not know. In truth, I was unaware that he had done any of this. I only know that he likes your company and doesn’t want you to leave. Perhaps this is all a misunderstanding, and there were no ill intentions?”

“Perhaps not. Either way, I shall never know, for I refuse to ask. I do not care what he is doing, for he is not my responsibility. Ella is, so I will dedicate my time to her rather than her temperamental uncle.”

She lied, in that she did indeed care very much about what the duke was doing. He was fascinating to her: intelligent, kind, and willing to accept when he was wrong. In any other situation, she might have allowed herself to fall for such a man, but she could not.

She had to separate herself from him, especially if he caused her pain. Too much had changed, and she could hardly think, which was not conducive to being good for Ella. Whether it was what she wanted or not, she had to put everything aside and focus on herself.

And so, upon their return, she did not address the duke. She did not say a word to him, instead walking past him and towards Ella’s classroom. She was inside reading a book about Shakespeare, and Euterpe couldn’t help smiling at her.

“Am I late?” she asked, and the little girl shook her head.

“No, my lesson finished early as my teacher is unwell. I didn’t mind; I prefer to practice alone.”

“Would you like to show me what you learned?”

“It wasn’t much. We practised my scales today, and they never have any faults to begin with. I do not know why she insists that I practise them.”

Her legs swung beneath her, and Euterpe took a seat across from her. She was a remarkable little girl, one that she would miss when she eventually married.

If she ever did. The duke was certainly making it far more difficult than was necessary.

“Where did you go today?” Ella asked.

“I went to town with Theodore.”

“Why?”

“Because he asked me to.” She chuckled, trying not to say too much. “Sadly, I do have other things to do when I am not teaching you.”

“I suppose. I was only asking because of your dress. It is a mess.”

Euterpe looked at the ugly green marks stretching across her knees before looking back at the girl. Ella’s eyes had not left her book, yet she had seen the stains clearly.

“I do wonder if they’ll come out,” Euterpe muttered.

“If not, at least you have others. Perhaps you might wear that ballgown instead?”

“That is hardly practical.”

Ella giggled at that.

“I suppose not, but it would be different. I would love something to change, Miss Pembroke. Everything here is always the same, and it has grown quite tiring.”

“Have you spoken to your uncle about this?”

“For weeks now, yes, but nothing ever changes. I believe he is trying to protect me. I have asked to go to the park or into town like you, but he refuses. He thinks I should be afraid of roads and carriages after what happened. Should I?”

Euterpe’s heart ached for the little girl.

“No, not if you are not. You should never be afraid of something simply because you think you should be.”

“I didn’t think so, but my uncle is always astonished.”

“It is certainly a wonder, but he is only concerned because he loves you.”

Ella was quiet for a moment before closing her book, placing it gently before her, and looking Euterpe in the eyes.

“He is concerned about you, too. I heard him say so myself. Does that mean that he loves you, too?”