Page 86

“I’m not sure thrilled is the word for it.” I frowned at my reflection, displeased with what I saw. My shawl now gone, the marks on my neck from where Azriel had left behind his passion were stark and ugly. My skin was sallow, and I looked as tired as I felt. “They are not especially pleased with… the situation.”

“Oh now, madam, they will be soon.” Mary lifted my robe onto my shoulders, and smiled at me in the mirror as I folded it around myself. “When you have a baby in your arms, they will not be able to resist. Everyone loves babies, and they’ll be so pleased for you.”

I laughed softly. “Yes, Mr Caine said the same thing.”

“And he is right.” Mary clasped my shoulders gently. “Do not worry yourself, madam. Go and enjoy your bath, and I’ll be up in a while with something delicious to soothe that weary stomach of yours.”

“Don’t forget the tea,” I called after her, and she nodded from the door, smiling brightly before closing it behind her.

The hot water was like balsam, my bones aching and weary from being rattled about in the train and then the carriage. The sound of rain caught my attention, and I gazed over at the window. No, not rain. Sleet. It brushed and whispered along the window panes, and I sank deeper into the hot water.

Winter was on our doorstep, and soon it would be Christmastime.

I had never liked Christmas. It was an empty holiday, a time of dark and cold days, hardly brightened by the decorations and candles. At least not for me. I had been Acton’s wife for only three Christmas seasons, and not one had been memorable.

Christmas is meant for children, he’d mumble from his chair, scowling at the tree and at me in turn, lamenting the fact that I’d not yet fallen pregnant.

I placed a hand on my stomach, another cramp tugging at my insides. I was not with child now, that much was certain, but I wondered what it would be like, what it would feel like to have another person doing somersaults inside me. The thought was almost frightening.

I’d always liked children, with their bright eyes and probing questions. Children were honest, and forthright. But babies always seemed so alien to me, tiny little creatures crying lustily for milk and making a right old mess constantly.

As I continued to stroke my stomach, pondering my impending motherhood, I wondered if I’d even be any goodat it. Azriel seemed determined not to let a child suffer the way we had suffered, but could we really be so different? Were two people as broken as we both were even capable of breaking such a cycle?

I looked down at the bathwater as tiny roses of blood blossomed on the surface.

Then, like a brutal jousting stick, reality crashed through all my thoughts of being a mother, of bearing Azriel a child. For it was more than possible that at this moment, he was fighting to even stay married to me. That my family had decided to pursue him, to annul our marriage, even to involve the arch-bishop himself.

There was no baby now, and perhaps there never would be. And for the life of me, I could not understand why at that moment, with Winter brushing its icy fingers along the window, that thought made me burst into tears, and sob my heart out over the edge of the tub.

I awaitedAzriel’s return for hours. It had grown dark, and still I waited by the fire, my hands curled around my hot cup of tea. Mary had fetched me a hot water bottle, which lay in my lap, and while I was now warm and comfortable, I was no less anxious.

It was almost 8 o’clock by the time heavy footsteps sounded outside my door, which opened to admit my husband, his face set in a scowl.

“You are back,” I said as he crossed the room to sit opposite me, angrily toeing off his boots and kicking them away from him. “I was waiting for you.”

He gave me a quick smile. “You are sweet. I am sorry I was so long.”

“What happened?”

He eyed the bundle in my lap, and lifted an eyebrow. "Troubles?”

“Just, uh, my… well… I am somewhat indisposed.”

“You are bleeding.” He sighed heavily. “So, no child then.”

“No, not yet.”

“Yet?” Azriel sprawled back in his chair. “Do not tell me you are in hope of having my offspring now? When you were so adamant that you hated me mere hours ago.”

“You are impossible.” I brought the cup to my mouth and sipped my tea, staring intently at the fire. “You are impossible to love, to be close to.”

“Well then perhaps you would welcome our marriage being annulled.”

My heart leapt into my throat and my eyes were torn back to his face. “Is that what is to happen? Is that why you went to the lawyer?”

Azriel held my gaze for a moment, before sighing heavily and shaking his head. “No. At least, that is not entirely why I went to the lawyer.”

“Is it my family?”