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“I’m sure I don’t know.”

“Take a closer look then.” She gazed into my eyes, and then I saw it. Brown eyes. Pale skin. Dark hair, not quite black like mine, but almost. “You and me could almost be sisters, couldn’t we?”

“He… he wanted the closest he could get to me?”

“That’s right, love. Hence the vow of silence. As you can no doubt hear, we don’t sound the same.” She put the cigarette to her lips, striking a match against the rough edge of the case and sparking a flame. “Sometimes it was hard to keep meself quiet though.” She waved the match to put outthe flame, and gave me a conspiratorial smile. “He really is very good.”

“So, it is normal to enjoy it?”

Rebecca laughed through a puff of smoke. “Of course it is, love. I mean, it’s the favourable outcome, isn’t it? Everyone has a good time?”

“I really won’t go mad?”

She reached across and took my hand, giving me a sisterly smile. “I promise, you won’t. And your feeling desirous for him is normal. He makes you feel good, and I imagine after being fucked by a corpse for years, god rest his soul, that you’re experiencing things you never have before.”

She was so candid that I should have been shocked, but instead it just made me even more comfortable. I put my hand over hers, and returned her smile. “I do enjoy it. I just wish I knew more. That I was more experienced.”

“You can learn all that with him. Take control a bit, tell him what you want, and where. He likes that sometimes.” She winked at me, and brought her cigarette back to her lips.

“Do you enjoy your work?”

She raised her eyebrows, pursing her lips to the side to avoid expending the smoke in my direction. “My work? Yeah, I do. Madame Lillian, she’s a good madam. Looks after us, keeps the pimps away. Tough as nails, she is. Gives us fair wages, and a safe roof over our heads. Makes sure the clients are good, and clean.” She shrugged, gazing around the room before her eyes landed back on me. “What more could a girl ask for?”

I clutched her hand tighter, feeling somehow closer to this woman than I had to any other woman in… well, perhaps ever in my life. In another life, perhaps we would have been good friends. But in that moment, class or wealth didn’t matter. We were just women, sitting together and holding hands, and finding comfort in one another’s company.

“Thank you for talking to me. I… I don’t have anyone else to talk to about all this. You’ve been a true help.”

She smiled at me warmly. “Any time, love. Anything you wanna ask, you just come see me. What’s the old saying? Can’t make a whore blush.” She shrugged. “I’m always here.”

“Thank you.” I reluctantly released her hand and fumbled in my purse for coins, fishing out five sovereigns and pressing them into her hand. “Here, for your time.”

Her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open. “Are you mad? This is more than I make in months!” She curled her fist around the coins and scooped them up. “I can’t accept this.”

“Yes, you can.” I took her hand in both of mine and gently pushed it back towards her. “Please. I insist. For today, and for any other days when I need some advice.”

She laughed and rolled her eyes. “Fair enough. Then I thank you kindly for your generosity, and my door is well and truly always open for you.”

I rose to my feet, pulling my gloves back on. “Thank you. I mean it.”

She escorted me to her door, and reached out to take my hand before I walked through it. “I know how he can seem.” She met my eyes earnestly. “He’s not had an easy life. His father gave him a right time of it. Not an excuse, but an explanation. He is a good man, underneath it all.”

“I just have to find that side, do I?”

She bit her lips together and shook her head. “No. Love don’t change people. But the right person can bring out the best in you. Make you wanna be a better version of yourself. And the way he’s talked about you all these years….” She squeezed my hand and sighed. “Give it time.”

I knew she meant well, and I should have perhaps foundcomfort in her words. But my misgivings were such that I struggled to believe that underneath all Azriel’s self-assured swagger lay a heart of gold, a man simply misunderstood and neglected by those who should have loved him. Perhaps it was unfair of me to think so, since our lives had not been so very different.

Back in the carriage, Mary peppered me with questions about where I had been and who I’d seen. I deflected them all, and eventually she fell into resigned silence. The storm had passed over, and the sun peeked through the clouds overhead. For a moment, I could almost imagine that perhaps everything was going to be alright.

Then I remembered that I had to go home and tell my husband that my aunt was coming to visit us in two days time. And I knew full well that she would not be bringing any glad tidings to our home.

18

I AM NOT A GOOD MAN

“What a sight this is.” Azriel paused in the doorway, leaning against the wooden frame, his hands tucked in the pockets of his black trousers. “My wife, at a table set for two, waiting to meet me after a hard day’s work.”

I gave him a tight smile, and rose to my feet. “I was wondering where you’d gone. I woke to an empty bed.”