Page 31

I was truly tallying them up these days, and the sin of moaning in Azriel’s bed somehow sat deeper in my chest than the murder of my husband.

What a mess I truly was.

I began to shake my head, and Father Price squeezed my hand with a smile.

“It is not my place to judge.” He patted my hand, shaking his head. “Your husband knows you adored him, no matter what has happened.”

My cheeks burned, and I felt beholden to defend my honour in the face of this accusation, no matter how gently it was being delivered.

“No, no, Father you misunderstand, it was nothing of the sort.”

“Ah, I see.” He allowed himself a satisfied smile. “That isgood. I see a strength in you I do not often see in women as young as you.”

I bristled at his words on behalf of all my sex, but did not say anything. I merely dipped my head, looking at my gloved hands.

“God wants you to be happy,” Father Price said softly, and I could not help the cynical laugh that bubbled up my throat.

“Does he?”

“Of course he does. I know it can seem cruel when the ones we love are taken from us. But that does not mean that God does not want us to be happy.”

“Then what does it mean?” Anger began to rise in me, colliding and curdling with the shame of what had happened with Azriel in his bed. “What does God intend when he places us in an impossible situation? When one can see no light, or feel no air?”

“My dear, your situation is far from impossible, no matter how it may feel that is it at this moment.”

“Oh, but it is, Father.” I shook my head, gazing up at the stained glass windows. “I am in an impossible situation, and I think God is punishing me.”

“God rewarded you with a wonderful husband,” Father Price said emphatically. “I do not believe for a moment that it was ever his intention to punish you with his death. It was perhaps a lesson, a harsh one, but do not the most beautiful flowers grow under the harshest conditions?”

I laughed cynically. “Roses die at the drop of a hat, Father. Weeds, though, they thrive.”

Father Price laughed merrily, and slapped his knee. “Your wit has not left you, in that we may take comfort.” He chortled to himself, and retrieved a bible from his pocket. “In that case, madam, I shall pray for you, and shall hope that you continue to be the hardy weed that thrives even in these harsh times.”

“Thank you, Father. I feel I may need a great deal of prayers.”

His brow furrowed again, and he paused with his thumb in the bible, eyeing me with concern. “Mistress Caine, if anything is amiss, if there is anything you must speak about, this is a sacred place. You may tell me anything without any fear.”

That, of course, was not true. As much as I wished to unburden myself, my sins were now too great.

I sighed, and shook my head. “Your prayers will bring me great comfort, Father. Thank you.”

“It is the least I can do.”

I dropped several coins into the tithing box by the door as I left. Mary was still happily wandering about the church yard when I emerged, and met me with a wide smile.

“This day is so wonderful, madam. Shall we take tea outside when we return home?” She asked brightly.

“Certainly, Mary, that sounds delightful.”

The trip home was filled with yet more merry chatter, Mary regaling me with all the news from town that she had heard from the other servants. I barely listened as I gazed out at the sun-dappled streets. I wanted nothing more than to escape the house, to go somewhere, anywhere, rather than heading back to those gloomy rooms. It was nearing midday, and Azriel would be returning that evening. In a few hours, my fate would be sealed.

The carriage pulled into the drive, and George was there to meet us at the door.

“Madam, a letter from your father.” He handed the envelope to me with a smile. “A comfort you no doubt need at this time.”

I suppressed a groan, and smiled at George instead. “Thank you, indeed.” I looked over my shoulder at Mary. “Fetch the tea, would you? I would like to read my father’s letter alone.”

“But of course, madam.” She hurried in the direction of the kitchen, and I made for my room.