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I reread that and then stop myself. He’s just playing with me the way I’m playing with him. The fluttering butterflies in my stomach don’t care, though.

Loomis: Buggar, I’ve got to go. See you at one.

Me: I’ll see you then.

Loomis: Looking forward to it, Keegan.

I toss my phone on my bed, hit the shower, and spend thirty minutes on the phone with my mom and Layla. The three of us talk about a million things, and none of them are men. My mom mentioned that my uncle Kaplan—Stone’s dad—has a house off Key West that she’s sure he’d let me use to get away for a bit.

Last week when Alden ended things, I spent the better part of the day crying in my pajamas with a pint of ice cream in myhand. Today I have no tears, and it’s not because he said he thinks he loves me.Thinks. I mean, what the fuck is that? Do I even care anymore?

Yes. I do. And I wish I didn’t. Yet another thing to pile on my list of things to think about. Ugh. Getting out of town is starting to sound better by the second.

7

Other than a meeting here, an errand there, or being on set when I was back in London, I haven’t spent much time outdoors in months. It’s cold but not bitter, and with the sun shining, I can convince myself it’s almost pleasant out. I had grown accustomed to LA weather, but the Englishman in me adjusts quickly to gray, wet, and bleak, which is what Boston has been since I returned.

Today is the first nice day, and now that Fen seems to have shaken his cold, I want to get him outside. I think that’s why he woke up so early today. He’s a small boy with a lot of energy, and I’ve had him cooped up in our tiny flat nearly around the clock.

Tinsley suggested I buy a place here, and while I certainly have the money socked away to do that, I’m not sure where I want to go or where I want us to live after I’m done filming my next movie. As of right now, I’m scheduled to shoot in Toronto later this spring and then in some small town in Colorado early this fall.

I’ve signed contracts. I’ve negotiated the deals.

Pulling out makes me look like a total wanker and could—very likely—hurt my chances of ever getting hired again. But howcan I be both? How can I be the actor, the film star, and the single dad? I won’t leave him home somewhere alone for months with a nanny, which would mean I’d have to travel with them, but how do you find a nanny to even do that? One you can trust?

And that’s if the studios still want me and social services give me the green light. Then there’s the worry about his mother. Who is she and where is she and is she gone or is she going to pop back up again without a moment’s notice? Will she try to take him back from me if she does?

If this were me seven years ago, I’d be suffocating my anxiety and copious feelings in drugs, but I’m not that bloke anymore. I will never be that bloke again. I’ve come a long way from that poor, scared punk of a kid to the man I am now. Acting saved me in a way. It gave me purpose and clarity. It sobered me up. Funny how I became an actor and left drugs behind when for so many it’s the other way around.

But I need this career.

Which means I need to buckle down and have a good think on everything.

Something that is nearly impossible when you’re chasing your son around and you’re more than a little exhausted and overwhelmed. I can’t make a gut reaction with this. I can’t let emotion and fear win out, or I’ll wind up doing something daft. I have to do this thoughtfully and with the utmost care.

Fen is holding on tight to his Curious George cuddly toy, his legs scissoring in his pushchair, anxious to get to the playground. Just as we round the corner, I spot Keegan coming from the other direction. Her long, crimson hair is pleated into a braid that winds over her shoulder and curls at her breast. She’s wearing a green knitted beanie hat, a black puffy coat, black leggings that hug her thick, shapely thighs, and tall gray boots that are lined with fur.

She hasn’t spotted me yet, and I take a moment to appreciate her. She’s gorgeous as always, and her body is impossible not to notice. Tinsley once referred to her as Jessica Rabbit, and I wholly agree with that statement, though she radiates sweet innocence more than raw sexuality. But it works for me with Keegan. All of it does.

Still, she’s as untouchable as it gets, and that’s something I’ll continue to abide by with her.

Fen spots her and chirps out an excited noise that catches Keegan’s attention.

“Hi. Hi. Hi,” he crows.

A bright smile lights her face, and she waves with her bad hand, still encased in heavy plaster or whatever you call that brace thing she wears.

“Hi!” she sings in return and does a little twirl, her hands up as she gestures toward the sky. “Can you believe it? Sunshine.”

“It’s beautiful. Just like you.” It slips out, and I realize how it sounds. Flirty. Suggestive. Something that doesn’t go missed.

Bollocks. I’m such a wanker with her lately.

I quickly press on, flattening my tone. “Thanks for meeting us. I figured it’d be good for all of us to get out for a bit.”

“Definitely.”

We reach the gated edge of the school playground, and I carefully peer inside. I’m wearing colored contacts, glasses, a fake beard, and a ballcap, but that’s it. Other than that, I look like me, and it makes me uneasy. But I was going mad indoors, and so was Fen.