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“My feelings are stuck in my throat, okay?”

“We don’t have to talk, but know if you’re worried about your feelings spilling over, I’m not afraid of tears.”

I know we won’t be heading back anytime soon when he drapes his arm along the back of the bench and gets comfortable.

I don’t talk or cry. I spend the entire time going back and forth with myself. Between the girl who wants to continue down the path she’s on and the one who wants something new.

Ash was flirting with me today. That’s new.

It makes me both doubt and hope simultaneously.

Ghost-touches from the past tiptoe across my skin. How do I erase them from my mind? My skin begins to crawl, and I imagine myself shouting at my demons over the canyon. How will I separate him from everyone else?

The minute a man touches me, my brain shuts off. It wasn’t always like that, but somewhere along the line my body began to reject them, and that usually ends in the night going south. Once a man has been given the go ahead, it's hard to get them to stop.

Like the night with Jason and Matt.

I close my eyes. Why am I even thinking about that night? It’s insignificant in the whole of things.

This thing with Ash and me is never going to work, and I don’t even know how to explain it to anyone. It would be easier to just give up.

“It’s getting chilly. We should go in,” I say quietly.

Raffe doesn’t force me to talk, though I’m sure he’s aware of the thoughts that have been racing through my mind. I appreciate that. Maybe he can sense that I’ve thrown in the towel.

When we get back inside, I chuckle because we find Jesse and Dirk coloring. Dirk’s eyebrow rises slightly as I cover my mouth.

“What are you laughing about? It’s color therapy time. Sit your ass down. If you were at a fancy treatment facility, you’d pay big money for this.”

It makes me laugh a little more. I grab one of the books and sit down on the floor beside them. Raffe plops down on the other side of Jesse and begins to help her with hers.

“Don’t you dare color outside the lines,” she teasingly warns him.

Dirk winks at him. I love how there is no jealousy between them.

“Do these belong to your grandkids?” I flip through the pages, trying to find a page that hasn’t been colored on.

“Sure do,” Jesse says. “Aurelia is obsessed with the one you have. You might have to grab a different book, because she’s probably colored on every sheet.”

My vision begins to blur as I continue to search for a blank page. I’m just like this stupid coloring book; all of my pages have been scribbled on. What does that leave Ash? Every part of me has been shaded. He should just find a new book too.

Dirk sits forward abruptly, noticing my internal melt down. “Spill it,” he orders.

I jump up and throw the book at him. “You want me to spill it? You want to know why I hate myself? Because I’m like this fucking book.”

My feet hurry up the stairs, making me trip and fall along the way. I’m thankful when I finally reach the bed. I throw myself face first on top of it.

Not even five minutes later, the bed dips.

“I want to go home,” I mumble into the pillow.

Raffe sighs.

“Never mind. I forgot I don’t have a home.”

He taps my shoulder lightly with a rolled-up coloring book. My emotions are right there, floating on the surface. I wish they would just drown me already.

“Sit up.”