Page 50 of Total Shutdown

“Is my jacket doing the job?” Sawyer asks as we pass under a long tunnel wrapped in white string lights.

We’ve been here around an hour, and night has completely fallen. Despite me saying I wouldn’t be bothered if he was recognized with me, I am grateful for the darkness, as it camouflages us far better than if we were here in daylight.

I snuggle further beneath my scarf, Sawyer’s scent penetrating it as we continue to walk around the Japanese Hill-and-Pond Garden.

“It is. Thank you,” I reply, pockets of air puffing into the atmosphere as I speak.

I look across at Sawyer, and he smirks.

“What?”

He shakes his head as we come to a stop by a huge Acer tree, this particular variety I know to be rare. I didn’t go to college, and I don’t have a fancy education, but Japanese culture—and food—is something I have studied in my own time.

He glances at the tree, shaking his head. “Nothing. Just something Archer said earlier.”

I quirk an inquisitive brow. “You guys were talking about the Acer tree?”

“Not exactly.” He winces and takes a seat on a white bench a few feet down from the main pathway. The position provides a view of the lake as a color-changing cycle begins, lighting the water in a beautiful way.

There’s a comfortable silence between us that doesn’t scream to be filled with small talk. Perhaps it’s the calm environment, or maybe it’s the company. I don’t know, but I feel the urge to do something alien.

Share.

“The year after my grandparents died, I visited Tokyo. It was only for two weeks, but I feel like it changed me.”

Sawyer twists his body completely around to face me. “In what way did it change you?”

I smile at the memories. “For a young girl, I’d traveled around the US a lot and then to a few other countries.” I eye him carefully. “I used to compete in motocross at a high level.”

Sawyer rolls his lips together. None of this is new to him, of course.

“But the traveling combined with an expensive sport took every last cent my parents had.” I cast a quick glance at the lake, now glowing pink. “Mom and Dad always wanted to visit Japan. Dad had this obsession with their culture and history, but mainly the food.” I chuckle, remembering the times he tried to make sushi and failed.

“When they passed away in a car accident, they didn’t leave a lot behind since they’d had debts up to their eyeballs and our house was a rental, all because I’d been hell-bent on pushing my obsession with motocross, desperate to be number one.”

Sawyer doesn’t say a word. I can feel his eyes locked on me as I look out onto the lake.

I clear my throat of emotion. “Anyway, after they died, I quit competing and sold all my equipment. I resented the sport and how much it—and my all-or-nothing attitude—had taken away from them, including my dad’s wish to visit Japan one day. From that moment on, I promised myself I wouldn’t take life too seriously, and Idefinitelywouldn’t take it for granted. Life is too short to be stuck in one place, grinding away at the same nine-to-five job. I designed my life specifically around freedom and the ability to up and leave whenever I wanted. When my grandparents died and left me a nest egg, I went about making the most of the life I wanted to lead and never looked back.”

A couple more seconds pass in comfortable silence.

“Look at me, Collins,” Sawyer eventually says, his voice firm but gentle.

“You always say that,” I reply, doing as he asked.

“That’s because you rarely do.”

I fight back the shrug I always seem to give him since I have no damn clue what to do when he’s around.

“When was the last time you shared yourself with another person like that?”

Don’t. Fucking. Shrug.

“I can’t remember. Kendra probably knows the most at this point, but I didn’t tell her everything about me and never about my past in motocross. I’ve always struggled to open up and especially about my younger self. I was a selfish kid and I’m not proud of it.”

Sawyer edges closer to me; I’m unsure if it’s deliberate, but I like the way it makes me feel.

“The only person I see in front of me is a good one. Thank you for sharing with me.”