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Yes. I would love nothing more than to call him and tell him and have him be so overjoyed he returns, and we live happily ever after. But I know for a fact he wants nothing less than to return here and be saddled with a baby. A life he never wanted.

“Maybe. But does it matter now? He’s gone and he doesn’t plan on returning. It’s better for both of us if we just forget him altogether.”

I look up from staring at the table to find Gigi frowning at me. That’s more of what I expected to see when I told her I was pregnant.

“You can’t keep it from him forever. He deserves to know.”

“If he wanted to be part of my life he would have stayed, with or without the pregnancy. He still left, even after knowing how I felt about him. If I’m not enough for him, forcing him to stay because of a baby won’t help. It’ll only make things worse. Forcing a relationship because of a child doesn’t work.”

“Did you ever stop to think maybe he did want to stay, but was too afraid to? That maybe he just needed someone, who loves him, to show him that staying was the right choice all along?”

If only she were right.

“We tried plenty to convince him to stay. You know this. No one wanted him to leave. He wasn’t happy here, and nothing could change that.”

My heart cracks in my chest admitting it out loud. It’s literally been his lifelong dream to leave Homer and travel the world and make a new life for himself somewhere else. It’s not easy to convince someone their dreams are wrong. And maybethey aren’t. I’m sure he’ll be happier now that he’s gone. From everything Owen tells us he’s doing great. Making his way south and enjoying every minute of it. Happier than he’s ever been.

To force him to come back would crush him. I love him too much to do that to him and us. I’ll just have to accept it and focus all my love for Warren on the baby we made together.

“It may have seemed like that, but I think he would have surprised you if given the chance. And one way or another he’s going to find out whether you want him to or not. Things tend to work themselves out in the end.”

“As long as you don’t tell him, he’ll never know. Please Gigi, it’s better this way. Trust me.”

Pleading with my eyes I know she can see the tears gathering there. I need her to understand that no matter how much wishful thinking she has, nothing can change the reality of the situation. She huffs out an exasperated breath.

“Fine. I won’t tell him. But if he does return and asks me, I won’t lie to him.”

I suppose that’s the best I’m going to get. I nod my acquiescence.

“Oh, and there’s one more thing.”

She scowls and looks at me as if she’s about to argue with me on anything else I may ask of her. At least this time it’s a temporary lie.

“I don’t want to tell anyone else until I’m further along. Give me some time to figure things out without everyone breathing down my neck.”

Her scowl softens and her expression changes to one of understanding. Lots of women and couples don’t announce a pregnancy right away, so this is nothing out of the ordinary.

“That I can do. You just let me know when you’re ready.”

“I’ll probably never be ready, but no sooner than when I’m too large to hide it with baggy clothes at least.”

She laughs and pulls me into her side, pressing a kiss to my head. My anxiety recedes now that I at least have Gigi and Izzy on my side. Maybe things won’t be so bad after all. Babies always make people happy. I know the longer I think about it the happier I get. Even though knowing its father will never see it grow or hold it or love it makes me sad. I know no matter what, that it will be loved by the rest of us without reservation. And that’ll just have to be enough.

Chapter 14: Warren

Pregnant women always have the best knockers

What the fuck am I doing here? Is the question that keeps looping on repeat in my head. I swore once I left Alaska I would never return. So why is that as soon as I made it to Florida I turned right back around and started heading back? I’ve already made it back to the southern coast of California. Probably a record of some sort. Six months from Alaska to Florida and back again.

I’ve anchored for the night, the coast a few miles away in the distance to the east while the sun sets over the Pacific Ocean in the west. The sunsets are always better on the west coast. With just the ocean on the horizon and nothing in between.

My boat sways gently in the calm waters. A soothing motion that always comforted me, but even now the movement does nothing to put me at ease. I don’t know why I’ve been so twisted up inside. It’s been like this since I left the only home I’ve ever known nearly six months ago. Nowhere I’ve gone has given me the feeling I was so desperate to find. Maybe I never will.

Pulling a long drag from the neck of my beer bottle, I try to force relaxation and peace. The cushioned bench on my deck, that I always loved napping on on warm summer days in the past, now feels like reclining on broken glass and rocks.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” I yell at myself and the emptiness of the ocean around me, hoping a talking dolphin will jump on deck and answer my question. None does and I groan in frustration.

Just as I’m about to chuck my bottle into the ocean_something I would normally never do_I’m saved from littering in my anger by my phone ringing. I’m close enough to shore now to get a signal, and the name on the screen and matching ridiculous face, makes me grin and hope that maybe my best friend can put things into perspective for me.