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“No. Of course not. But it must’ve been hard to have somebody you love leave like that.”

“I admire it, too. It’s the thing that I wasn’t able to do. I tried. I failed. I understand that you regret not being here with your dad. But I don’t think you can afford to put your dreams on hold for anybody. My parents decided to leave. At least I know I didn’t stay because of them, only to have them go.”

“He was proud of me. That’s what Lydia says. He was never sorry I wasn’t there because he believed in what I was out doing.”

“Of course. That’s really... I get it. I get it.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t question it.”

“There’s always a question to ask, but sometimes it’s just endless. I ask all the time what would’ve happened if I’d stayed at school, but I can’t get an answer to that. There is no answer to that. I can’t know. I’m just here now, trying to make a different choice. That’s why I’m trying to do this. So that I don’t have any more what-ifs. But I’ll probably still find more.”

“Yeah. Well. I want to believe in fate. Because that means it was predestined or something for me to avoid dying in that bomb blast, but not to avoid the injuries that I got. What happened after.”

“I don’t know, can’t it be somewhere in between? Maybe you’re here for a reason. Maybe all that other stuff is just evil. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to happen, but you’re still here for a reason. Can’t it be both?”

He laughed, his chest feeling full of broken glass, but somehow he felt lighter, too. Like he’d finally said some things he needed to say. Even if there was no real answer to it. “Well, since no one has answers to anything that makes any more sense to me, I don’t see why it can’t be both.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m just guessing. But I have to believe there’s something out there for me. In Boston, I guess.”

“Yeah. I guess so. Hey. My ex-wife found another thing she was meant for.”

“You mentioned that. That she’s getting married.”

He nodded. He had forgotten he’d said that to her. Which worried him a little. He didn’t think he had too many memory problems, but he would’ve thought he’d remember telling her that. So maybe he had more than he thought. That was the issue with memory problems. It was hard to know if you had them because if you had no close relationships, there was no one around to tell you what you forgot.

“Yeah. I guess she figured she could get back on track with a husband who could still be the thing she needed.”

“That’s not marriage.”

“Have you been married, Rory?”

“No. As you know, I have never even been on a date.”

“Then how do you know what marriage is?”

“I dunno, but I think it has to be more than somebody existing to be the fulfillment of your fantasy. It has to be a little bit more about reality.” She looked stricken for a second, and then looked away. “Sorry. I don’t know what I’m talking about.”

But those words stuck with him. Because hadn’t he always been a fantasy? For himself, for other people. The idea of him so much more compelling than who he actually was. He has lived in that space for a long time. It was just that he wasn’t able to do it anymore. And that was some shit.

They switched to lighter conversation, her current favorite book series about witches in a small town, and it reminded him so much of the past. So much of a simpler time in life. He wasn’t a reader, he was never going to be no matter how many times she recommended a book to him, but it didn’t matter. He just liked to hear her talk about it. He liked her enthusiasm for something he didn’t care about. That he didn’t relate to. He liked that she was a little bit mystifying.

When they pulled into the outdoor store parking lot, he got out his list and handed it to her. “All right. You can be the cruise director.”

“That sounds like a lot of work.”

“I think you’re up to the task.”

“I can pay for—”

“No. I’m paying. I’m setting up an outdoor excursion business, so I ought to foot the bill because I can use the equipment. And I can use the experience. So even if it’s for you personally, let me buy it.”

“I don’t want to—”

“I’m not strapped, I promise. I got a decent amount of money from the US government and permanent disability. Not that it’s a whole lot, but the ranch will make money, and I also am about to come into some proceeds from the sale of my house. So it’s all good.”

They walked inside and he grabbed the cart. There were animal mounts everywhere. A bear standing up in the entryway, elk and deer with big racks, and a few little black bears that looked like they’d have only been a threat to a garbage can. It was funny, because that kind of thing had given Cassidy the willies, but it was white noise to him. Every outdoor store in the state of Oregon had much the same look. It was white noise to Rory, too.

She barely even blinked when she went over to a section that had camping lanterns and a taxidermic squirrel was sitting on top of the shelf, staring at them both. Said squirrel had a tiny lantern in its hand.