Page 141

It’s what he was.

He knew that.

“Rory.”

He said her name. He said her name instead of telling her no.

He came hard, pouring himself into her, instead of saying no.

Instead of telling her it was impossible.

Dammit.

Dammit, dammit.

He kept his face pressed tightly into her neck.

He just let her hold him.

Because no one had held him in a long time.

Except for her.

And there were a thousand thoughts and feelings rolling through him, and he couldn’t readily identify what any of them were. What he was supposed to do with any of them.

He was afraid. Afraid of this feeling that was so intense, that felt like the heat of battle more than it did anything else, that reminded him of being a different man. In a different time. He was afraid of that, because it was like dreaming again, not like walking into the sunset. Not like letting glory go.

It was a fucking paradeinside his soul, and he was terrified of it.

And all the ways that he would fail her.

Because he could not stand to watch the light go out of Rory’s eyes.

He had survived Cassidy.

But he had loved things about Cassidy, and never her. Not really. Not entirely.

He knew that now, because he knew what it felt like when it was different.

Oh, he had loved her. He had loved her as much as he could at the time.

But he couldn’t love anything more than he loved himself. Not then.

Not more than he loved his own self-image.

But Rory...

Rory was all-consuming.

And if he fucked up with her he was never going to be able to survive that. He had been brought to the brink once already. He would never be able to do it again and come back.

He would die. He would quite literally die.

He was realistic enough about himself to know that. This time it would end in the gutter.

But if he let her walk away, if he let her go live her life, if he didn’t disappoint her, if he didn’t make her fall out of love with him, he could live with that. And he needed to be in a reality he could live with. Because he had been so close to one that he couldn’t.

She had told him once there was a difference between fear that could be fatal and fear that wasn’t.