Page 79

One of Nate’s arms was draped across me, his hand on my breast so casually that it might’ve fallen there in his sleep. His breathing was slow, and even behind me, his body was relaxed.
I would’ve stayed there even if I couldn’t get back to sleep, but there were certain things that required me getting out of bed. I managed to extricate myself without waking Nate and grabbed some of his clothes from a basket of folded laundry. Everything was far too big for me, but the air chilled me enough that I didn’t want to even go to the bathroom without putting on more than a shirt.
When I came out of the bathroom, I was awake enough to know that I wouldn’t be getting back to sleep any time soon. I didn’t suffer from insomnia like this often, but when I did, it hit hard. This was one of those nights.
Not wanting to bother Nate, I headed for the kitchen to get myself something to drink, and then to the living room. Watching movies was generally my fallback for the times I couldn’t sleep, and I didn’t think Nate would mind. The table under the television had a DVD player on the top, which made me think the movies would be in the cabinet underneath. When I opened it, I saw stacks of cases, but none of them looked like the usual movie cases. These looked more like CD cases. Curious, I knelt down to get a better view.
The stacks went nearly to the top of the cabinet and were in rows three deep. I didn’t take the time to count them all, but simple math put the number at a hundred, easily. I pulled out a few from the middle stack and saw that each one was marked. It took me until the third one to understand what I was seeing.
Helena R. 11-3-17, 11-7-17
Jacinda P. 10-12-17
Lucinda P. 9-4-17, 9-12-17, 9-14-17, 9-20-17
Women’s names and dates. I took some from another stack.
Iris K. 3-7-17, 3-12-17, 3-20-17
Maddie L. 2-9-17
Helen W. 1-1-17, 1-2-17
My stomach sank, as if it had already accepted what my head and heart were still trying to deny. I had to see. I had to know for certain before I let my imagination accuse Nate of something I couldn’t take back.
I put the one marked Iris K in the player and stood up to watch. I didn’t recognize the room as one I’d been in, but I definitely recognized the set-up. It was a playroom of some kind, maybe at a club or someone’s home, but it wasn’t Nate’s. Then again, the DVD wasn’t that recent. He could have made changes.
Then a man entered the room and it no longer mattered where this was being filmed because I knew that figure. I moved to the couch, not trusting my legs to hold me. I should have turned it off before I saw anything else…before I could no longer pretend that these weren’t what I knew them to be.
There was a phrase – watching a train wreck – that I’d never been able to understand fully. Yes, I understood what the phrase meant, but the fact that it alluded to people watching something as horrifying as a train wreck because they were unable to look away hadn’t made sense. I understood that a little better now, though I wished I didn’t.
I wasn’t jealous of the tall blonde or any of the other women represented by those DVDs because I’d already known Nate had been with other women. He never lied and tried to pretend he’d only had a couple girlfriends before me.
Granted, seeing him with another woman was different than just knowing about it, but that wasn’t why my stomach was churning or my vision blurring with tears. It wasn’t even because of the men getting in line to take their turn. For all I knew, it’d been the blonde’s idea. The thought of him wanting to share me wasn’t an appealing one, but he’d already said he didn’t want to do that. And if he changed his mind, we’d talk about it.
No, it was the stacks of DVDs he’d made with the women he’d been with…and then kept. Not one or two of Roma that he’d forgotten about or a handful locked away in a box. Years of sexual encounters at his fingertips, all easily accessible for watching whenever he chose.
A thought hit me, a sharp pain straight through my heart: did any of those cases bear my name? Were there cameras here, recording everything we said and did? Did he use his phone when he was someplace where he couldn’t set up a camera? Had he recorded everything he’d done to me?
My face burned as I thought about everything he could have recorded. When he’d spanked me the first time. Taken my virginity. Oral sex. The things I’d said. The sounds I’d made…
“Ashlee.”
It took me a second to realize that his voice wasn’t coming from the screen. I jumped up, turning to see him standing behind me with that blank expression on his face. I hated that mask. Hated that he shut me out even when he required me to trust him.
“I’d like…” I shook my head, changing my phrasing. “Will you explain this, please?”
The muscle in his jaw clenched, as if my question aggravated him. “They all knew, if that’s what you want to know. They knew I sometimes recorded us fucking to ensure there were never any issues of consent. No he-said-she-said. The last thing I ever needed was a pissed-off ex making accusations, either to get a pay-off or just to smear my name.”
That made some sense, but I still had questions.
“I can see that,” I said, working to keep my voice calm. “But it bothers me–”
“It wouldn’t have bothered you if you’d minded your own fucking business.”
I stared at him, wondering if I’d misheard him since he’d said it with all the inflection of commenting on the weather.
“You knew who I was when you threw yourself at me,” he continued. “Your eyes were wide open, so don’t pretend to be some high moral authority.”
This couldn’t be happening. Not like this. But I knew it was happening. Again.
“If you can’t handle this, you can leave. Have the front desk call you a cab.”
A beat of silence. Two. Three.
My purse was next to my shoes, and it was easy to pick it up as I slipped them on. I didn’t care that my clothes were somewhere else or that I was wearing something of his. All I wanted in that moment was to get as far away from him as possible.
He was right that I’d known who he was. I’d just been foolish enough to think that he wanted to change. I wouldn’t make that mistake again.
We were done.