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Thirty-Seven
Nate
I didn’t call Ashlee.
I thought about it. A lot. After I left Finley’s, I went home with every intention of calling her and asking if I could see her. It felt like the sort of conversation we needed to have face-to-face. Except, when I settled in my favorite library chair and picked up my phone, I didn’t call.
In my defense, she didn’t call me either, but I knew that wasn’t really a defense at all. She’d put the ball in my court, so to speak, and it was up to me where things went from here.
After talking to Finley, I was more certain than ever that she was worth fighting for, but I still was at a loss for how to do it. He said I’d need to be vulnerable, to trust her with the truth, but I couldn’t imagine a world where any woman would be able to look past a man sleeping with his brother’s girlfriend. If what I’d done didn’t scream betrayal and mistrust, then I didn’t know what would.
I’d never before considered myself a coward, but when Sunday slipped into Monday, and I hadn’t reached out to Ashlee, I had to accept that I had abandoned my spine somewhere.
I winced when I saw the dark circles under my eyes when I shaved before work, but nothing short of makeup would do anything about them. I’d barely slept over the weekend, and it showed. It was all I could do not to snap at anyone who got in my way. Only knowing how disappointed Ashlee would be if I bit someone’s head off kept my tongue in check.
Maybe this was what Finley had meant. I’d certainly never cared before about what anyone else thought of my behavior. My desire for my business to succeed usually overrode any poor decision making in that area of my life, but everywhere else, I did as I pleased and fuck off to anyone who didn’t like it.
She wasn’t at her desk when I passed it on the way to my office, and I couldn’t decide if I was happy about that or not. If I saw her, I’d talk to her, and while that was technically what I wanted, the thought also frightened me.
I’d gone skydiving, scuba diving, rock climbing on some fairly terrifying cliffs…but having a real conversation with a redhead a foot shorter than me scared the shit out of me.
While I was ashamed to admit that I was relieved to have yet another reprieve, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling that way. Even when I been at my lowest point, I’d never been this indecisive or unsure of myself. In the past, I’d fucked up any number of ways, but I’d always just gotten right back into the mix, working on fixing whatever it was I’d broken. Why couldn’t I do that with Ashlee?
Somehow, I managed to get through the morning even though I kept wondering if Ashlee was going to come talk to me, but by the time I was ready for lunch, I’d made up my mind. I would ask Ashlee to have lunch with me and tell her about my conversation with Finley, what it’d made me realize…and what had happened with my brother. If I was too afraid of losing her to tell her the truth, I’d lose her by closing myself off. At least talking to her would mean I’d tried.
I’d just sent off the last email I’d needed to respond to when someone knocked on my door. I was already anticipating it being Ashlee when I raised my head, a greeting halfway out of my mouth when I realized the person standing in front of me wasn’t Ashlee at all.
“Catherine?”
“Hi, Uncle Nate!” She beamed at me and practically bounced into my office.
“Shouldn’t you be in school?” The question was out of my mouth before I realized the more important thing to ask was how she got here.
She shook her head. “I’m on spring break this week.”
I stood up and walked over to the door. A quick glance around told me that no one from my family was lurking around. I turned back to see a sheepish but slightly defiant expression on her face.
“Who dropped you off?” I came back over to stand in front of her.
“Nobody,” she admitted as she stared down at her feet. “I wanted to see you, but I knew Mom and Dad wouldn’t bring me, so I came myself.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, reminding myself that losing my temper would be the worst thing to do right now. When I opened my eyes, I found her watching me with eyes the same shade of brown as her father’s.
“You came from the Bronx by yourself?”
She nodded. “It wasn’t that hard. I looked up how to do it on the computer at home and memorized which lines I had to take. It was a short walk to the stations from home and to here.”
I wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that she’d taken the subway instead of calling a cab. On the one hand, anyone could’ve grabbed her or hurt her at any point along the way, and a cab driver would have most likely refused to take a passenger that young, but there was always the chance of an unscrupulous driver taking advantage of her age. A best-case scenario would be to take more money than was owed, but it wasn’t too far-fetched to imagine a driver kidnapping her for all sorts of things I didn’t want to even think about.
“Where do your parents think you are?”
“My friend Natalie’s house.”
“I see. And does Natalie know where you are?”
“No. I didn’t tell her anything either.”
“So, if your parents call Natalie’s house, she’s not going to know anything about you telling them you were with her today.” I made it a statement rather than a question.