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“No,” she said quickly. “We’re all fine.”
“That’s good.”
A few seconds of silence followed my inane statement.
“We’re having dinner this Saturday evening, and we’d like you to come.” She continued, almost without taking a breath, as if she was worried I’d shoot back a rejection without even thinking about it. “The whole rest of the family will be here for the first time in a long time, and it would be great if you could join us.”
I couldn’t shut down the idea immediately. It would hurt her too much. I had to be gentle about it. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Mom.”
“Joshua said he met your girlfriend this week. You weren’t in your office, but she was there and talked to him.”
I’d never realized before just how much she hesitated when she spoke to me, as if she felt the need to choose each word carefully.
“Yes, she told me she’d spoken with him.”
“You can bring her. We’d all love to meet her.”
I knew what she wasn’t saying. Everyone would be more likely to behave themselves if we had guests.
“Joshua’s girlfriend will be here too, so yours won’t be the only one.”
Double insurance then. And neither woman would be the only new person in the room.
My answer should have been the same as always: no thank you. At least twice a year, she’d extend an invitation to one family thing or another, and I always turned her down as politely and gently as I could. I knew it hurt her when I did, but it would’ve hurt her worse if I’d shown up and there’d been a fight.
I couldn’t do it, though. I couldn’t tell her no again.
Wanting something new with Ashlee made me wonder if other parts of my life could be new too. Seeing Roberta and Ashlee together had made me realize how much I missed my mom.
I couldn’t, however, say yes right away either. I needed to think about it and not make an impulsive decision. I also wanted to check with Ashlee because her presence would definitely make a difference.
“I’ll think about it.”
“Really?”
I hated how surprised she sounded. It shouldn’t have been like this. She shouldn’t have felt pulled between her children. It should have been my absence that was odd, not the possibility of my presence.
“Yes, really. I’ll need to talk to Ashlee and see if she has plans for us this weekend. I promise that I’ll truly consider it.”
“That’s great. Really, Nate. I hope you two can make it. It’d be good to see you again.”
“You too, Mom.” I meant it. When things happened with Joshua, I’d put her in an awkward, impossible position, but I held no anger or bitterness toward her for taking his side.
“I’ll let you go now,” she said. “I’m sure you have work to do.”
“Thanks for calling,” I said.
“I love you, Nate.” She quickly ended the call before I had to decide whether or not to return the sentiment.
I would’ve said it back.
Slumping back in my chair, I closed my eyes. I’d been so angry when I’d heard Joshua had come to my office; would I be able to deal with seeing him face-to-face? I believed that Ashlee believed it when she said that Joshua hadn’t flirted with her, but I also knew it was entirely possible that she just hadn’t registered it. She would’ve hated to think of my own brother hitting on her, knowing who she was.
Then again, Mom said he had a girlfriend coming too. Even if he had flirted with Ashlee, he wouldn’t do it in front of his new girl. That was a good thing, but him having a girlfriend there might bring up bad memories. I had no desire to be with anyone but Ashlee, but Joshua might not be willing to believe it.
Not that I could blame him. I’d really fucked things up when I’d slept with Calah. I couldn’t go back and change anything, but I could show him that I wasn’t that man anymore.
I could show them all that I was trying to change.