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I shook my head. She couldn’t be talking about…
“Joshua, I mean. He’s moved back to New York, and he wants to see everyone. I need to know what date works for you. She paused, and I could almost see her twisting her fingers together. “Please, Nate. It’d be great to have the whole family together again. Another pause. I love you, Nate. Hope to hear from you soon.”
I played the message again, even though I didn’t need to hear it. Every word cut into me, reminding me of the type of person I truly was. A person Ashlee didn’t know. One I didn’t want her to know. Ever.
I deleted the message and put my phone back in my pocket. Now, I didn’t need to wonder what the call had been about. I also didn’t need to wonder what my answer was going to be because there was no way I was going to whatever family get together Mom was planning.
Besides, even if Joshua had said he wanted our whole family to be there, he didn’t mean me. We’d both burned that bridge a long time ago.
By the time I made it back to my table, our entrees had arrived. I smiled at Ashlee as I took my seat again.
“Everything okay?” Concern was clearly written on her face.
I immediately felt a stab of guilt that I’d left her in an unfamiliar place. I’d been a shitty date tonight so far. Well, except for the orgasm earlier. That I always did well.
“It’s fine.” I gestured to her plate. “Let’s enjoy our meal.”
And we did. For a while, anyway. We ate and made small talk about the food we liked, the restaurants where we’d eaten. It was all simple stuff. Typical date topics. Considering we’d already talked safe words and kinks, it was nice to ease back from that.
Or, at least, it would have been if I could’ve stopped my mind from continuing to chew on my mom’s message. Why had Joshua come back now? Was he planning on staying? Why did he want to see the whole family? Did he actually want to see me too? Or had Mom just assumed he’d meant me too? Maybe wishful thinking on her part?
“Nate, are you sure you’re okay?”
I sighed. Apparently, I wasn’t doing as good of a job pretending as I’d thought I was. “I’m sorry, le soleil. This was supposed to be a date, and I just can’t get my head into it.”
“Did I–”
“No,” I cut her off before she could blame herself. “It’s not you. You’ve done nothing wrong. It’s on me.”
“Want to tell me about it?”
I shook my head. “You don’t need to worry about it.”
She pushed her plate aside and leaned toward me. “Nate, I want more than sex with you. This is a relationship, and that means we share things. We talk about what bothers us.”
I was surprised at how much I wanted to unload everything, share it with her, find out her thoughts, listen to her every word. It’d be nice not to have to do everything myself.
But if I told her about the voicemail, she’d want to know why meeting with my family was an issue. I could try to lie to her, but I didn’t want to do that. A lie of omission was bad enough. A flat-out lie would come back to bite me in the ass.
But if I told her the truth, I’d lose her. I had no doubt about that. She’d looked past all of the shit she already knew. I couldn’t ask her to see past that too.
“It’s just some family stuff,” I said. “I don’t want to get into it.”
I waited for her to argue, but she didn’t. Instead, she leaned back in her seat. “I hope, one day, you’ll be willing to share even that stuff with me.”
A part of me hoped so too, but I didn’t say it. I was supposed to take care of her. Not the other way around.
“In fact,” she said, “maybe you could start by helping me with my own family issue.”
Eight
Ashlee
I wished Nate felt comfortable enough with me to tell me what was bothering him, but if anyone understood wanting to keep some family issues close, it was me. Case in point, the former family secret thing I was bringing up now to change the subject.
“In fact, maybe you could start by helping me with my own family issue.”
I hoped it came across more casually than it sounded in my head. I knew what a big ask this was. Nate didn’t let people close, and I was asking him to do something that could possibly screw up his relationship with one of those people.