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But Mum’s mood wouldn’t be dampened. She told him his calculator was always getting things wrong, and reminded him of the cherry brandy order that’s still propping open the cellar door.

A holiday will be lovely, but going away with my parents has downsides.

For a start, Mum is so LOUD. And she wears teeny bikinis and fluorescent hot pants.

Also, Mum and Brandi don’t believe in sun cream. They think turning slapped-face red proves they’ve been on holiday. So everyone knows we’re British and tries to sell us things.

Dad always reads up on the local culture and bores us to death with a load of pointless facts.

(‘Did you know that feta is a native Greek cheese?’)

Brandi is ‘well chuffed’ about the trip. She ran right out to buy spray tan and travel miniatures.

Laura wasn’t sure at first. But Mum and Dad are booking an extra suitcase for her study books, so she said okay.

Mum is already talking about holiday clothes. She’s packing her day-glo pink dress from Cyber dog – the one even Brandi tells her off for wearing.

Dad said, ‘Oh that’ll look a treat at the disco.’

It’s like neither of them know she’s fat.

I suppose it’s quite sweet in a way.

Monday September 7th

AWESOME news!

Laura told Zach about the holiday, and he’ll put us up in any Dalton hotel free of charge. All we have to do is choose a location.

Mum and Brandi spent hours on the Dalton Hotel website ‘oooing’ at pictures.

They’ve decided we should go to Dubai, because it is ‘hot as f***’ and we can go on a camel ride.

Dad was happy because he wants to find out more about the history of cinnamon.

I’m a little bit nervous.

I have visions of Mum in pink Lycra, barging into the posh hotel restaurant and asking if they have tomato ketchup.

Still. We’ll have a laugh. And a posh hotel will be nice.

Last time we went away it was to an all-inclusive resort and it was a bad idea.

Mum and Brandi started drinking at 11am every day.

And Mum got in trouble for filling her handbag with chocolate chip cookies and apple strudel from the buffet.

Tuesday September 8th

Googled Dubai today.

Getting a bit nervous. Apparently Arabic people dress very conservatively.

I tried to tell Mum, but she just laughed and said, ‘If you think you’re getting me in a one-piece swimming cossie you’ve another thing coming. I’m only fifty-five. I’m not dead yet.’

Wednesday September 9th

Saw a documentary last night about wheat and now it ALL makes sense.