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When Wolfgang bit one of the other children, Althea laughed and said, ‘Aw, bless him. He’s having such fun.’

Then she tried to put him in his sling, but Wolfgang clung onto the roundabout and neither of us could budge him. Eventually, Althea lured him away with beef jerky.

I told her about my diet, but Althea shouted about diets being sexist crap.

She said, ‘You were a measly size twelve. Now you’re a measly size sixteen. I weigh far more than you andIdon’t care. The universe made us all perfect. So get over it.’

I said Nick had finally set a date for the wedding.

Althea barked, ‘So fucking what? He’s no bloody prize pigeon is he? Has he got himself a decent job yet? He should be crawling over broken glass to marry a girl like you.’

I told Althea about me and Nick’s meal on New Year’s Eve and asked if she thought it was anything to worry about.

She said, ‘That he drank six bottles of beer in two hours?’

I said, ‘No. That we couldn’t agree on anything about the wedding.’

She said, ‘You’re different. So you’re bound to want different things.’

I said, ‘They say opposites attract.’

Althea said, ‘Hmm.’

Monday January 12th

Bought all the stuff for theFood Gurudiet.

The Food Guru guy says you can’t put a price on health. But you can. It’s about two hundred quid.

Bought stuff like steak, salmon, asparagus, and a load of things I’ve never heard of like chia seeds and psyllium husk.

Dad took me to the supermarket because he’s the only one who can work Daisy’s car seat.

He was such a proud granddad, telling any shopper who’d listen Daisy’s age, birth weight and toilet habits.

Tuesday January 13th

10am

So far today I have eaten:

Two boiled eggs (no toast or anything – wheat is the work of the devil).

A handful of nuts.

Celery with pumpkin seed butter.

11am

Must be lunchtime by now?! I’m going to eat my own leg if I don’t have lunch soon.

Awww lovely Daisy. So adorable.

People say I post too many pictures of her on Facebook, but Nick posts way more. Over 500 at last count. His wall is just a long stream of him holding Daisy in different poses.

11.30am

Cooked stir-fry without any soy sauce or flavour of any kind.