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Right now the only thought rolling in my head like seaweed in a rough sea is the thought that I’ve lost her.

I’ve fucked it up.

I acted like an absolute ass and got exactly what I deserved.

I’m so wrapped up in my self-absorbed thoughts that I hardly notice the car driving up the road until I’m caught in the headlights full on, blinking into the sudden brightness.

The car stops. A door opens.

I throw my forearm over my eyes, cursing whatever dickhead thought it’d be a good idea to stop and taunt me.

“Get in you fuck nugget. Don’t make me stand around here in the dark all night.”

I blink. “Jack?”

“Yeah, who else do you think would bother to drive down here at three in the goddamn morning to pick you up and make sure you get home safe? Mum and Dad are out of town, remember?”

I don’t even fight him. After the last few days, I’ve come to terms a little better with Jack’s overbearing fuckery. I stomp to the passenger side and get in.

A moment later Jack sits next to me behind the wheel and gives me a look. “I thought that would be harder. Who are you and what have you done with my idiot brother?”

I just roll my eyes and fasten my seatbelt. “Can we go back to Inlet Views? I think I need to be underwater.” I let my head thunk back against the headrest and shut my eyes.

I’m so tired. I don’t even know if being submerged will work, but beyond having Olivia in my arms, it’s the only thing I haven’t tried.

After a long silence where nothing happens, I glance around to find him watching me. “What?”

“What happened?” Jack whispers the words as if he’s afraid I’ll bite his head off, and to be fair, the old me would have.

This new, odd version of me doesn’t want to, though. I can’t even imagine mustering the energy to raise a fist. I just sigh. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Jack makes a satisfied hmph and releases the handbrake. “That’s more like it. Now how much did you drink and do you think you need a spew bucket, because I did bring one.”

“I didn’t.”

“Huh?”

“I wasn’t drinking asswipe. Mr. Nguyen just made that up because I was shouting in the middle of the night.”

Jack pulls off McPherson Road and onto Cliff Drive. “And why were you shouting at Mr. Nguyen in the middle of the night, Noah?”

“I wasn’t shouting at Mr. Nguyen. I was shouting at Olivia. At least I thought I was, but she’s gone.” Something embarrassing happens then. My throat gets all tight and I suddenly have to stare hard out the passenger window so Jack won’t see the tears that prick my eyes.

Jack makes a low whistle. “Well fuck me.”

I don’t have to look to know there’s a highly irritating smug look on his face. I don’t, because so far he’s been pretty nice about this whole thing, and I don’t want to start shit.

“Hey,” he says eventually. “You OK?” His hand falls gently onto my shoulder, and I duck my head.

“Yeah. No. I don’t know.”

There’s a drawn-out silence, but it’s not sullen or tense. It’s me trying to man up enough to talk to him without actually crying.

“No,” I say eventually.

He stops the car in the carpark outside the Inlet Views and switches off the engine.

I cough. “She’s fucking gone, Jack, and I fucked it up and now I’ll never know if—”