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JEN

I CONTINUED TOsit curled up on the couch with Tyler, silently absorbing everything that had just transpired over the past couple of hours. The sun was high in the sky declaring the day only half over, but it felt like one of the longest days in my life. Oddly enough, though, I felt lighter despite the heaviness of the conversation. I had never been a crier. I’d even go so far as to say that in the past I’d mocked women that said they sometimes locked themselves in a room with a pint of ice cream and a sad movie just so they could have ‘a good cry and get it out of their system.’ What the hell was that about? Cry just because it felt good? How on earth could it make you feel better?

And yet, that’s what happened just now. The moment he’d started to walk through the gate, I felt real panic. I sensed that it was my last chance, and for the first time, I wanted someone to stay and see the real me more than I wanted to hide my shame. I needed to tell Tyler about Mark, hoping he’d understand why I was the way I was. I’d meant to stop there, but it turns out those sniffling women were right—crying reallyiscathartic and before I knew it I was confessing like a leaky bucket; all the guilt I’d been carrying just kept flowing out. Sharing my shameful behavior, at least as I saw it, felt like reducing the load of metaphorical bricks I’d been carrying around. Who knew?

And then he’dthankedme?I’d just dumped this enormous burden of guilt and fear in his lap, and he was grateful?

Over the years, I’d dated several guys, even let it reach the point of having sex with a couple of them, but only those I knew wouldn’t follow it up with thoughts of commitment. I knew that made me a hypocrite regarding my accusations of Tyler. But unlike other guys, he kept coming back, determined that we would be okay, one way or another. No matter how we ended up defining our relationship, friends or lovers, he fought to help me recognize he would stand by me, no matter what. I should have recognized we were different together from the beginning.

I knew my experience with Mark had messed me up. It took a girl who once had romantic dreams and shattered her into pieces—unable to trust, scared to be in a real relationship with men, and a need to always be in control. I thought I had turned those deficits into advantages—cautious, playful, and determined.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Thank you, Sir Walter Scott. Who knew the poster in my junior year English lit class would come back and bite me in the ass with its poetic truth? I’d managed to fool most people, but I couldn’t deceive Tyler.

“You’re about to start a fire, kitten, as fast as your thoughts are spinning. Are you okay?” Tyler’s voice penetrated my thoughts.

I’d been so warm and comfortable in his care, I hadn’t given a thought to pulling away. Another difference with Tyler. I didn’t feel helpless or suffocated around him. Ironically, letting him tear down my defenses made me feel stronger because I had him at my side instead of on the other side of the wall. “I guess I’m sort of recovering from spilling my guts, although at least this time it wasn’t literally, like last night.” I offered a light laugh, wanting to lighten the moment.

He chuckled, too. “You know what we need?”

“I’m not sure. What does the good doctor prescribe in this situation?”

“We need to do something simple, but fun.” I loved listening to his voice rumble against my ear as I relaxed against his chest.

“Got any ideas?”

“Mmmhmm. It involves a long shaft, hard balls, and sinking into a small hole.” He laughed as I sat up quickly. His eyebrows waggled mischievously as he leaned in like he was going to kiss me again. Little bubbles of anticipation fizzed throughout my body. I started to lean toward him. He brushed right past my mouth and spoke close to my ear. “Let’s go play putt putt.” He sat back with a wicked grin on his face.

“Tyler,” I groaned and smacked him in the arm, relieved and frustrated at the same time. No question I wanted him, but I wanted to be more secure in this ever-evolving relationship we were building.

“What?” He held his hands up in surrender. “What were you thinking, Miss Mitchell?” he asked, wide-eyed and sounding as innocent as a choir boy.

I folded my arms across my chest in pretend annoyance, but had to bite my lip to keep from laughing at him.

“You wanted me to kiss you just now, didn’t you?” he asked, his eyes gleaming.

“No.”

“Don’t stop being honest now, kitten. If it helps, I want to kiss you, too. Badly.”

“So, why don’t you?” I challenged, suddenly feeling breathless.

“Because I’m afraid if I start I won’t be able to stop, and that’s not what you need from me right now. I won’t be that guy that walks away from you, Jen, but I also won’t be the one you walk away from. Once you come to really believe that, believe me, I won’t stop unless you tell me to.”

Worry crept in. Maybe everything I dumped on him was too much and was starting to scare him off. “Do . . . do you still want me?”

“Jen, when the time is right, you won’t have any doubt about how much I want you. I want to caress those breasts that fit perfectly in my hands. I want to kiss the side of your neck that causes you to shiver before I slide down to replace my hands with my mouth, so my hands are free to explore your fine, sweet ass. And then I’ll use every part of my body to show you how beautiful I think you are.”

A shiver raced through me. “But more than that, I want you to open yourself back up to your dreams and take the chance on them again . . . with me.” He smiled while I sat there with wide eyes and slack mouth. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. He stood up and started to turn away, but came back and bent down. He tilted my head up to look at him. “Dream big, baby. I’ll prove to you I’m up for it.” He touched his lips to mine and held them there in a sweet kiss, before pulling back. “I’m going to go get a shower before we leave. A very cold one.” He winked and turned and walked up the stairs while I continued to stare at him. Long after I heard the water flow through the upstairs pipes, I was still sitting there, only now I was the one smiling and feeling a stir in my heart for the first time in a long time. I guess it wasn’t dead after all.